An emotional shipwreck.

Just another rainy week in May which replaced the sunny spell. My son seems to have had a cold creep up on him in fact. On Monday i played with my boy followed by drum lessons with my step son. On Tuesday i had a reasonable chill out and watched The Hunter which i enjoyed. Last night my boy stopped again and he lost himself in Lego Batman 2 for the XBOX 360 which had arrived from Lovefilm. we had a good chuckle this morning as we danced to The Girl From Imponeena (or however its spelt) before we went on the school run. I had a ghost team colleague get in touch and tell me that i had to write a small piece for our author friend who was going to use it in his next book. It was about our ghost team and  our approach to what we do. I concentrated on that in the evening and it went rather well. It appears that this will end up in print at some point which is exciting. 

I have been laying low to some degree but on the other hand i posted a few bits on Twitter as well as Tumblr. This evening has been spent watching Human Centipede 2 which i enjoyed actually more than the first. 

I'm currently listening to The Orb as i write this, it's like old times in a way. Those endless teenage hours which passed by outside of my closed curtains and which continue to pass by outside my closed lounge blind. God knows how long we have on this rock and if we use our time wisely. I am bidding on my last EBay item tonight towards gifts for my son at some stage. I have bought more than i thought i had. I'm quite looking forward to my Tarot evenings ahead followed by our ghost team meeting. It is time we hopped back on the horse. 

My 39th birthday is drawing ever nearer too and I keep thinking about how i'd best like to  celebrate it. My son will be here on that night which makes it better. Will we simply get fish and chips or Macdonalds?

I just would like to mark it in a way we both remember. I feel like a sad character at the moment. I hope others don't view me like that. You see a friend of mine has spent most of his life without the usual amount of female fumblings  he has finally snagged an older lady who he seems to be having a good time with. This fuses the world of divorced mother and almost virginal younger bloke. One is welcoming the learning curve and the other carries battle scars no doubt from the endings of previous relationships. I just wouldn't feel comfortable in either shoes. But there is definitely the feeling of being 'undervalued'. I have to say that being in a relationship carries with it a certain validity which being alone doesn't replace. I miss being quantified as good person and at times just lately start to wonder if i'm viewed as some kind of emotional shipwreck.  As you well know there are days when I celebrate this fact but if you get a sudden happy state come along, there's no one to share it with. 

There's a world of people out there and even with the invention of these social network sites, it still isn't the same as someone making you feel worthy. I know I myself, am still processing my reaction to my marriage overall and even still justifying actions in relationships from years ago to try and grasp what i should be feeling in the here and now. I just can't stop my defence shield from going up. 

Why do i only miss my son? Why am i so insular? Why do i give a fuck? 

Maybe I'm one of those people who has to mope about frequently. 

One thing I am though is relaxed about my current life. If something should happen of interest then i think i am able to adapt. My life does feel like it's becoming more interesting each year, even if only to me. There's definitely a progression at play. Which can't be bad.