After the family get together I came away as usual feeling like I'd done something wrong. I feel comfortable with each person there in a one on one conversation but as soon as its a group I stay quiet due to feeling they don't understand me. Well that and the fact I can see I don't feel like them. They drink, I don't. You'd be surprised how big a rift that outs between anyone but that isn't IT. If I drank I'd still fell like I was on the outside of the group. I don't feel miserable at all when I'm alone. On these pages I've said just how HAPPY I am all the time these days. But when I'm with them I still feel like I'm the depressed one. But really it just seems to be that I'm wired different to the rest of them. They are doing nothing wrong. The act as themselves and being with them is fine but I come away feeling such a huge relief from being under their gaze.
It's like I feel ashamed in front if them. YES THAT'S IT! I feel, ashamed. Why is that?
But you know what? It's not just with the, it's with any group. I don't go out, I don't like socialising because of the negative after wave.
So it's Sunday morning and I'm watching DAWN OF THE DEAD, the Snyder version.
It's a lone path I walk. I guess in a way I'm a zombie shuffling through my life. But that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not.
It's surely the fact that I struggle to be around others for long that makes me seem this lone figure.
Everyone else is partying together while I pull the curtains on and sit alone watching a film. But other than my son, I don't need others to be happy. Quite the opposite, as I've just described, interaction with others is what makes me feel bad.
My family must see me as awkward.
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