At work today my good friend was a little too excitable and gave me a hard slap on the back. Inside I saw Red, it was too hard to be amusing from my point of view. I managed to at least say "there was no need for that".
He responded by giving me a firm forehead slap. I was furious, and I did nothing but stand annoyed. I was really disappointed with him. Which is another way of saying I'm spineless and felt I couldn't stop him or make him see he'd done wrong. 
It's not as though it's assault but I definitely felt it inappropriate. But he is a friend and has been for years and these actions are only 5% of what he's like.
But I was still stewing when I got home. 
For some reason I'm struggling to mix with my own family  at the moment. The others make me feel moodier with the teenagers doing things wrong and my wife not taking my side when I tell them off so I'm a bit lost. My only course of action is to try separate myself and stay quiet.
So I had two ciders and was in bed for 9pm. Five trips for a wee and it was morning time.
I need to reset and start this new day over.

I stayed up until midnight for the last time to give inhaler to my son. I watched the evidence captured at the end of twenty episodes of 'ghosthunters'. An early night is due tonight with maybe a sleeping tablet to help. 
Today is the last day at my work for a work collegue who is leaving to be self employed. When I first met him he didn't do himself any favours with my workmates and I because he walked onto our work space with his car keys outstretched in his hand and pointed at some boxes saying"put those in my car will you?"
Nobody moved and we disliked him straight away. My next dealings with him would be a case of following my bosses instructions with a job for this idiot only for him to come and try give me different instructions. I would tell idiot to tell my boss the change in details so that I could be reinstructed by my boss. 
Anyway after a year or more of his over confident, over grinning and talking too loud attitude he heard I liked films and engaged me in a conversation about films and that was my kryponite, my weakness. I will talk with anyone about films. So the ice melted. He burnt me a copy of Zombieland, True Blood, Flakes and Malice in Wonderland. I hated him... But he had valuable gifts for me. I was like Anna Nicole Smith going out with that rich pensioner for his money. 
This idiot looked like Scrappy Doo the cartoon nephew dog of Scooby Doo. And today on his last day, he's buying pizzas in for lunch which is generous. I will eat his pizza and watch his discs and wonder where else I can ponce films from.
But he's still a prick.

Listening to 'how to destroy angels' and 'nine inch nails' remixes that fans have put on iTunes for free, makes me feel comforted that if others can relate to this music then I am not alone in my naturally low state. I don't feel down today at all and haven't for over three years but woeful music connects every time  like a religious belief should. My normal state of existence when feeling 'normal' is to others, being miserable. I don't recognise it as being miserable but it's probably the best way to describe it. 
However I'm going to drone on about this here. 
I heard on the news a story of a crash where luckily nobody died, but there were injuries caused. The newsreader said "10 people were injured, 2 seriously" and I thought "so was he only joking about the other 8 people being hurt?" that's in poor taste for the BBC, saying he was only serious about 2 people being injured. 

After what felt like two weeks sleep I emerged from the duvet to a Saturday morning. But the clock said 4pm. I'd been asleep about one hour and was Monday night after the hospital. I did actually feel refreshed as it had been such a deep sleep. I was probably easy prey for a practical joke such as my family telling me I'd lost days to sleep, my body ached like I'd been bedridden too.
My wife couldn't stay up after ten with her chasing about with work, the kids and the hospital. Doctors orders are that my son gets six hits of inhaler every four hours so I stayed up until midnight playing Halo Reach so that he got his four hourly dose and then he'd be up at six so we'd bend the rules slightly. It was like looking at the tv from the inside of a postbox, my eyelids heavy but my caffeine riddled brain blasting crap out the 'combine' alien enemy. I slept solidly until my wife woke me at six with her time related questions. 
Now Tuesday feels like Monday but that makes the weekend closer. 
Maybe I'll stay up until midnight again tonight....there's still plenty of alien ass to be kicked.

This could come across as a bit way out. 
I'm two stops down the road from reality than my wife. I read clive barker books, watch films, don't give work or bills a second thought and just concentrate on that nights tv viewings. 
My wife's head is full of dull reality and facts and all the REAL things that happen everyday. But me, I'm wondering about ghosts and life after death etc and tv/film so this puts all problems further away than my wife has them and so I'm more protected. I use this as a shield. Now with my recent non drinking escapade, I was at the same reality bus stop as my wife and I hated it. 
I touched on this by saying that reality had been too close lately and having tonights beers felt great because I'd been trying to push reality away lately. To which she replied "thanks a lot". She has an incredible skill for twisting real meanings into me saying she's horrible. I think I could almost say anything at all and she could say I was slagging her off.
"it's been a bad day at work today"
"oh it has, has it? What because you knew that you were coming home to us eh, eh?"
Christ, it must be exhausting being like that.
So I play out my existence under some sort of displacement from cold reality as it's not a comfortable place for me.
I dream a lot too, I wonder if I dream more than her, actually thinking about that...yes I can recall conversations where she's said stuff like.. "I dreamt we had an argument...."
And I dream of ghosthunting or surviving in a zombie infested future with a big gun. I guess that speaks volumes.

At half past midnight an ambulance was sent to our house because my son was in need of an inhaler every 90 mins and we'd been asked to inform the hospital if it was more regular than every four hours. So with much upset he was brought to hospital whilst the other two kids were in bed. Having an ambulance come to our house was scary in a way and it's the sort of thing you hope to avoid. But he's in the safest hands of course. It's just turned 4:15 am as I write this and my son has finally agreed to sleep in his hospital cot , I only get a chair in a ward with two empty beds. His asthma has brought us to this once more. The solution is getting stronger every time though so slow and steady progress is being made.
No sign of me sleeping anytime soon. It's surprising how long you can stay awake.
From beneath my sons dressing gown I see his tiny foot with a glowing heart monitor on his big toe, he reminds me of E.T.
It a sorry sight when he should be at home in his Buzz Lightyear bed. A day off tomorrow probably as I'll be very tired. At 5:22 am they offered me a bed just as I finished my strong cup of hospital coffee. Thanks. My body clock wakes up at 6:30 so i'll be fine.
What a job. I don't complain about my job but if I did, seeing these people do this would shut me up. My little boy has had his inhaler again and he's dropped off in his normal sleeping position, bum in the air.
8:22am my wife arrived so I get leave to change clothes and enjoy a breakfast of champions, coffee and two kit kats. Suddenly the hospital corridors are bursting with life and Costa Coffee has a long cue.
My wife went to work, no pint us both missing work. Been awake for 29 hours.
1:49pm god damn fresh air and freedom. Home to bed.

I spent the morning finding missing album artwork on iTunes. My boy is full of cold so he was clambering over me whilst I did it. I had got up with the thought, what can I do today that will make me happy?. And this was a job that I've been putting off for months, and it's actually easier than I thought but it does involve patients. 
I also sorted through bags of toys that have been in the garage since Xmas. These were put there to go to the tip but I knew there would be stuff to salvage, especially Star Wars stuff to add to my collection rather than be thrown out. 
I had vodka and coke last night. I stopped after three as I didn't feel anything except disappointment. I still sat quietly on the couch so not much was achieved. 
After a jibe at me about not giving the lawns a quick trim... I stewed on it and after dinner I cut both lawns. I am currently  sat in bathroom whilst little boy is talking away at toys in the bath. When it's just us in here or his room, it's very relaxing as there's no one else in my space.
I'm thinking about a couple of cans tonight but will it be just as rubbish as vodka was. 

My son and I have watched about six films since yesterday. I took him to feed the ducks and I was taking him to the park but he refused to let me get him ready. So we watched Ice Age 3 again. 
I had a drink last week but I've not had one since. So this month I've had four cans, not terrible but still not as few as I'd planned. I've been out earlier to shops, fed the ducks and made soup so now I'm sat doing nothing. Kids got back from their dads wedding last night, so it's back to telling them off for things discovered whilst they were away such as teaspoons bent and snapped in half in school bag. They drive you nuts and without a beer I struggle not to lose my temper. 

Whilst watching  Cemetary Junction there was an Arab  proverb quoted, 'Throw your heart out in front of you and run ahead to catch it'. Like many others it means follow your dreams but stuff like that resonates everytime with me. I don't have big dreams, my dreams involve going on a ghost hunt, check, learning to play the drums, check, having a kid, check , writing something at least one person reads, check.
Maybe it's time for some new dreams. Or at least to expand on the old ones. I would say my next projects would be to create something like a piece of music, video or art. It's important to have goals.

I got home and put nine inch nails on loud. I had, wait for it, two cans of yucky bitter. Yes it's true, but I felt content at that moment and I even spoke to the kids nice. I made tea for all and washed up too so if I decide to stay up and play Halo Reach then I shall. I don't care that my stepson had odd socks on or that there is not a flannel being used in kids bathroom. It's not worth repeating myself, after all it's their skin to mess up.
Today I'm chilled and that's the end of it.

I had one single can of yucky bitter. I intended to drink 5. 
I mistakenly thought my wife would join me but when she didn't, I didn't drink alone.
I think I feel less stressed, it's hard to say. Can one drink make all the difference?. 

I went to the co-op to buy my tv mag this morning. I went passed the mince pie box pile, past the Christmas crackers and Christmas cards...hang on what month is it. It's September, y' know the month after August. How much preservative must be pumped into those mince pies to make them last three months and more?. The day before I die, I'm going to the mince pie factory to get preserved, forget cryogenic freezing. Mince pie coating is the only way to die.

I am going to buy my wife a clocking in machine so she can check up on me. Now I've noticed that she asks me all the time it seems to be loads. Upon staying up at night she will ask me "how long are you going to be?"
I give her a number and she goes to bed happy. As soon as we wake up.."what time did you come to bed?"
Now coming from an insomniac I don't get it. She can be up from midnight till four am. 
"I'm just going to the library"
"how long will you be?"
"about an hour"
I returned bang on an hour as luck would have it. 
We were going out.
"where's your mum?"
"she's just getting in the bath"
"aaarrrrgggh!!!!" 
WHY ASK?!
If I'm out of sight for more than five minutes I hear a voice.
"chris.....what are you doing?" the voice floats upwards through the floorboards. 
Here's another, I'm off up to get a CD out of the attic and I have a ladder under my arm and she'll say
"what are you doing?"
WHY?



Jesus Christ give me a beer.

I have not had a drink yet, but the battle is lost.
I am ready to kill.
Reality is too close and in my face. The last two days have been bad. It may have started with my wife saying I couldn't not drink at all, but it's deeper than that. I can't seem to be able to keep this state up. All I've had in my mind for days is the image of drinking.
The first two and a half weeks felt like I had swam off into the sea away from alcohol island. The ripples of tide were the small pangs of desire for a drink that could be easily overcome. But three weeks out at sea the waves are massive and I can't imagine swimming forever against such a force. 
A big wave rose up out of nowhere and tossed me back to the beach. So when I do have a drink I will hopefully be satisfied and even a little unimpressed, and then last maybe a couple of weeks without again. These will be small victories but victories nonetheless.
I actually feel shame that I couldn't do it. I can't last one month without getting ratty and twitchy because of lifes tribulations. The kids pushed me to breaking point during this time, but luckily I didn't snap. I think I've proved to myself that I'm not alcoholic and there's not a dependency of that sort. However it's a medicinal quality i need ,as if it was a Prozac. I definitely feel like there's no wind in my sails. I'm so much quieter without it. So I apologise for not doing better. But hey...at least I tried.

My uncle died at the weekend, there was another fatal car crash near us. My sister in laws family are very I'll. My work colleges dad has terminal cancer...
But my friend is a dad again with his third child, so that's great. But still, death surrounds me today.
This cycle of life and death, what is the point?, the reason? The prize?. We are ants bustling on planet earth for nothing. Life is short, thankfully. Why get out of bed?, why not drink all the time? 
My wife said to me "I don't want to be married to a tee total bloke" so my never drinking again is dead. I will see September through but eventually it's a fact that I will have a drink and I hope I don't enjoy it. I did struggle this weekend I admit. The kids pushed at my brain with their moods. And all this clarity of thought has just brought a black cloud of seeing how shit the world is into view. My wife said I'd barely spoken to her whilst not drinking and to be honest I hadn't noticed but she's right. But as I say Fuck it, there's no point to be made in life. Just do what you want, try be happy if possible, and if you are like me dampen reality with a stimulant such as alcohol. 
Having a kid has been the only thing which has made my life worth it. But today all I seem to have done is introduce him to a shit existence of unachieved ambition and a fragile existence, he is just one more selfish act I've done.
But is it worth moping about and moaning, no definitely not. Let the fact that it's all futile, power you to be brave enough to just do what you enjoy. It's so easy to let others stop you doing things but who the fuck are they to take away a few hours pleasure from another human. 
So if today is a day of realisation..
.. Tomorrow will be a day of retaliation and making the most of it. Fuck you world, pure existence is not enough.

Three weeks of no alcohol almost came to an end. My wife complained that she didn't want a life with a non drinker so that's that. She said "why can't you just have a drink now and then?" I don't know... I just can't. If I can have something then I have it a lot. One more week will break the record for longest without alcohol since I started. 
I had two friends visit today which was great. Friends who have known me for most of my life. It's always too long between us getting together but when we do meet there's zero difficulty, it's like we just met yesterday. I feel like that with very few people and when I see them I always wonder why I don't see them more. 
However, the house was hectic while they were here so I guess that explains why. Seeing my friends is like spinning plates, the one I saw longest ago gets to the front of visiting list. I guess I'm like that with family too. 
I made a soup today, carrot and coriander soup. I put it in the dishes and served three people who sipped it and said "I can't eat that" I ate mine, it was alright. 
I did feel disappointed but I guess they really did not like it, and that's allowed. I did another watercolour painting, copying a postcard which my auntie had sent and asked that I should try reproduce it. I enjoyed doing it but I immediately took a dislike to it, expecting that it would be amazing, it was a let down. Until it dried somewhat... And I stood back a bit , then it improved, so I left it stood and took another step back... And squinted a bit, stood back a bit more so it was far away. Finally....it looked ok.

Up at 8:30, my boy slept in due to watching The Mask late last night. Myself and my wife started giving the house a top to bottom clean. By nine the vacuum was getting our teenagers out of bed. Getting teenagers to help Is like getting the mentally Ill to formulate a dance sequence. Suddenly there expressions were that of the zombie. Upon looking in their drawers I discovered every item of clothes in two drawers and one empty and then one with rubbish in. Rubbish in drawers is a regular occurrence and a punch in the face may be the only thing left to make it stop. I don't remember having to he told so many times about the same thing. When I was told off I would put every effort into not being caught out with that again. 

The weather has changed our plans to go to the fun day at our kids school. We were going to take our little one to the bouncy castle. He loves a bouncy castle.
I used to love a bouncy castle too. I remember when I tried to impress a girl by doing a 360 degree flip from standing to standing. I was showing off. It didn't stand in my way that I couldn't actually do it. I believed I had bounced high enough to go right round so that was enough.
I bounced.........I managed the height necessary but the skill of the move was in the hands of the gods...
.... I landed upside down on my head.
With the suppleness of those young days, my knees connected with my face... Hard.
This was the first time I broke my nose. This was not however the first or last time my pride was hurt because of a girl. I walked off the bouncy castle crestfallen and with tears in my eyes but not crying. No tears fell, but I think inside I was crying. To this day my mind wants my body to be capable of things that it just can't. But now I don't try. 
That day is there everytime I run a finger on the bridge of my nose or look in the mirror. 
The saying rings true
"girls are trouble and women are double"

The crash is still in my mind from the other day. Im seeing each day as a gift because life is fragile. I REALLY will be dead someday. So at all times you should be doing something that makes you happy. Yes sometimes you have to compromise and do things for others but make sure you are never bored. Being bored is criminal. With the Internet available, that means there is a free education at your finger tips. Plus there's no need to remember anything as when someone asks you a question, you can just Google it.
Read more, go for walks. And whatever you do DON'T watch soap operas. They have no end so you'd be better off watching anything else.
As they say on Kung Fu Panda:
"today is a gift.....that's why they call it..the PRESENT"

I had to call at the farm shop to buy tea as I was on my way home. As I paid I decided I would treat myself to a chocolate bar. I sat and listened to my podcast recordings whilst enjoying my contraband. Having got rid of all the evidence of greed I drove the mile home. I only got half way down the back road before a small build ip of traffic slowed me to a stop. What I saw was a car with it's tyres burst on the right and a car on it's roof with a lady's leg sticking out of the passenger window along the ground. 
The other drivers had only just approached on foot so this  had only just happened moments ago. It struck me as I turned around and got away that if I had not had the illegal chocolate bar that I would have been present at the impact site. Now maybe my presence would have caused the traffic to make different decisions at that time and avoid the collision or maybe the cars tyres would have blown out causing the car to strike me instead (I have no clue as to what did happen). Life is at times stood on a knifes edge and your existence is too. Any normal route home can kill you. 
Should I take this rogue chocolate bar as a sign from God that he stopped me being killed. Or maybe I should feel guilt for not  having stopped the Incident with me being there too.
Maybe there's a much more elaborate death planned for me. 
I think I'll not watch final destination anytime soon.

What if I go to heaven and don't like it?
That's troubling me at present. Let's look at what we know, 
We have to spend our eternity praising God and being thankful, ok thank you God. Be nice to each other, ok that's fine. 
And what is the prize?
Eternal life. 
Ok an eternity being alive obviously sounds ok but what are the living arrangements? I'm not trying to be funny. I'm guessing that we don't have a mortgage and there's no longer money because we are all equal. So there's no rich and poor. 
I'm told by those in the know that there will be 'Work to be done'. What about the loved ones who don't believe in God now, well they won't be there. Only my friend and my cousin believe in God. So that means I'll have to make new friends I suppose ( but I'm not really a people person).
Can I watch tv and play on my games consoles because that's what brings me happiness?.
On this planet I am told that no one knows what the afterlife will hold and there's no answers to my questions right now. So I have to blindly tell my maker that he's great all the time (which is conceited) and not know what I'm letting myself in for an eternity of. 

I mean know disrespect to my two believer friends at all. I just need to give it more thought.

What is with this self service nonsense these days, I always end up in a state. I was sent to get some bits and once I was paying I was in a cue of basket carriers. So with four self checkouts going at once I was poised and ready to pounce.
I saw my chance and leapt into action. I was aware of the people behind in the queue would now be watching me to do the deed smoothly so they could do theirs.
I scanned my goods and the machine said "select payment"
It even went as far as saying "put your card in the machine..." I stopped listening as a carrier bag  had been tied around the card device. The helper leaned in and tapped a thin yellow plastic strip along the top of checkout which read 'cash payment only'
So I was flustered and was sent to the cash machine. I always end up in these situations and instinct always tells me to just drop my goods and run (not joking).
But I kept as cool as possible and sauntered back to my position with a tenner, which put everything to rights.
Having returned home my wife said I had bought the wrong sort of sauce and so I returned to supermarket but this time more prepared. This time I was not going to the cash only position and was being mumbled and glared at by the people behind who also did not realise his was an odd one out position. I don't get my shopping any cheaper for doing it all myself and the cue is just as long so I don't see what the benefits are. 

It's been quite stressful this afternoon flicking through 1000's of business cards for our most fussy customer. I close my eyes and their logo is burnt onto my retinas. 
I think we should lose this customer due to rejecting the last three attempts at these cards for print variation and then suddenly rejecting them for being on the wrong type of paper, rather than pointing that out in the first place. 

It strikes me that fruit and vegetables grow for free, Fire can be made to keep us warm for free and water flows freely, so where did it all go wrong that now I have to stand in a room for forty hours every week to pay for free things. When I look back over my life, most of it will be forgotten work hours which I choose not to commit to memory. 
I do understand that we pay to have clean food water and shelter etc but it still strikes me as unfair. When did they first print paper money? Did they then just hand some out to everyone? How much did they print? Hang on... Which country had it first because every country seems to have invented money at some point. I mean, just INVENTED it! 
"you see this paper with a number 10 on it well that's what I owe you for those sheep you gave me...what I owe you more than that?...well I'll just rub out the 10 and write 50, since there's no rules to this 'payment idea' yet."

Ever since the birth of my son I developed a repulsion to the news stories of kids being hurt or abused. Before that day, even during the pregnancy I knew these things were bad but I would barely allow my brain to think "that's a shame". 
I believe this to be the same for everyone who goes into parenthood. So when I hear a story like 'baby P' I avoid because even it's existence makes me queasy with rage and maybe heartache.
However this still leaves famine, homelessness and Aids as something I stare blankly at. I'm sorry.

Lucozade is flowing in abundance in one litre hits. It's the one thing that hits the spot everytime. I can't not drink the whole bottle though. Firstly because I wouldn't be able to enjoy it one day after freshness and secondly because it's all about the volume of liquid I used to consume in one sitting. 
How do we manage to drink pint after pint of alcohol and yet two consecutive cups of tea are enough. 
So yes I was thirsty over the weekend but I didn't desire lager etc. 
I looked at my stats for this blog and saw an increase in readings for each page. It also showed that some people viewing live in Canada and USA. To anyone and everyone who reads this, my unending thanks and I only wish it was something worth reading. 
For Two months I have been writing these pages and it's still practically a secret to all. This was meant to be able to help me to speak more honestly but there's always the option to read my back catalogue so I never go that far. I hope to get more honest and open as I do the next two months. 

A friend of mine has broken his wrist recently whilst out drinking. I visited him on Friday and he seemed pissed off to be house bound. He reminds me of when I lived alone and crumbled under my own psychosis. Why does he seem to be coping so much better than I did? It's great that he's able to live alone so well and not fall to pieces, I'm just puzzled by why I can't do it.
I have improved vastly since then but still think if I spent a month in just my own company, my world would collapse around me. I like people near but not next to me. I am happy to be alone when I'm actually in a relationship and I know they are somewhere else. But ultimately Im a person who likes to be alone (just not fully alone). I feel uncomfortable with others due to my perception of what they expect from me. I feel I will be a let down in a social situation and I become a self fulfilling prophecy. I think I'm shit socially, therefore I am. So if I was in my friends shoes I'd be a mess so I'm glad he's more together than I am.

Lucozade is flowing in abundance in one litre hits. It's the one thing that hits the spot everytime. I can't not drink the whole bottle though. Firstly because I wouldn't be able to enjoy it one day after freshness and secondly because it's all about the volume of liquid I used to consume in one sitting. 
How do we manage to drink pint after pint of alcohol and yet two consecutive cups of tea are enough. 
So yes I was thirsty over the weekend but I didn't desire lager etc. 
I looked at my stats for this blog and saw an increase in readings for each page. It also showed that some people viewing live in Canada and USA. To anyone and everyone who reads this, my unending thanks and I only wish it was something worth reading. 
For Two months I have been writing these pages and it's still practically a secret to all. This was meant to be able to help me to speak more honestly but there's always the option to read my back catalogue so I never go that far. I hope to get more honest and open as I do the next two months. 

A friend of mine has broken his wrist recently whilst out drinking. I visited him on Friday and he seemed pissed off to be house bound. He reminds me of when I lived alone and crumbled under my own psychosis. Why does he seem to be coping so much better than I did? It's great that he's able to live alone so well and not fall to pieces, I'm just puzzled by why I can't do it.
I have improved vastly since then but still think if I spent a month in just my own company, my world would collapse around me. I like people near but not next to me. I am happy to be alone when I'm actually in a relationship and I know they are somewhere else. But ultimately Im a person who likes to be alone (just not fully alone). I feel uncomfortable with others due to my perception of what they expect from me. I feel I will be a let down in a social situation and I become a self fulfilling prophecy. I think I'm shit socially, therefore I am. So if I was in my friends shoes I'd be a mess so I'm glad he's more together than I am.

We went to Otley antique vehicle extravaganza today. Not necessarily something of interest, just that it had fire engines for my boy to see and it's something to do for free. 
The smell of steam greeted us and then fire engines which also the paper deliverer from my work who had pointed me in the direction of this event. He used to be a fireman. My boy threw a fit being put in the fire engine as he'd just woke up. 
So he went on bouncy castles and slides to calm down. There were lots of vintage cars and bikes and a tank. Mostly the crowd was made of 'enthusiasts'. 

"from little acorns, great oaks grow"
I had the idea last night of researching paranormal groups and that led me to discover that less than a mile away at Halloween, West Yorkshire paranormal group are doing a workshop followed by an investigation until 5am Halloween morning. This will take place in groups of twelve people over three locations in a mill. 
Luckily this mill is less than one mile from my house and only costs £30 each. Now before you say what a waste of thirty quid, I had only found nights that cost over £130 up until now. So to find one so close in time and proximity was a great discovery. This is a lifelong dream come true. Even if nothing happens it's a taste of what it's like for investigators.  
As an added bonus I am doing it with my sister who has followed me into the subject. I cannot wait!

Watching Paranormal State (series 2) makes me convinced of ghosts and how can anybody think these things don't go on. People have much more evidence of spirits  than towards the existence of God, although God and spirits obviously co exist.  I find it no stretch to believe in spirit but With Gods I don't know. I watch every spirit programme I find and I don't doubt their claims most of the time. But I also know how easy it is to convince yourself of ghostly goings on when they are purely natural. Usually a ghost would be the  very very last possibility. I wish I could stay in a supposed haunted location. I would buy the beginners kit I saw he other day but my wife would stop me in my tracks. You know I might send an e mail to the local paranormal team to ask about volunteer work.

I'm one and a half hours away from Day 13 of not drinking alcohol, and it speaks volumes that I'm still awake. I'm sat alone awaiting Prince of Persia to load on PS 3.
I haven't missed a drink as I've kept hydrated and fed which has helped. I hope there's not a glitch ahead. I will sleep well tonight and I've made the most of this evening. My friend said today he also considered leaving drinking alone for a while and then broke his wrist and is not having it for six weeks or so incase he damages himself further. 
It seems life is ok without it. I've come this way far too easily. I think I need to go to the cinema again to re energise my commitment. I don't feel any less interesting for not getting fresh. 

On my way to bed past step daughters bedroom I heard metallic music. It was 11:15 pm and there had been thumping emanating from her room earlier which I had tried to ignore. I went in her room and there she was with iPod in her ears. It must have been blaring for me to hear it in her ears and through her closed door. So she was grounded more on top of being grounded for sneaking her phone back once it had been confiscated. It's an endless circle with teenagers. They are rubbish at being nocturnally devious. I seem to catch them out every time since I did similar stuff when I was a kid.
But the biggest crime is when they are in the doghouse they commit further crimes and it drives me to be really angry.
It reminds me of the joke:
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing... You've already told her twice. 
(oh come on it's just a joke)

Apparently if you enter the sixth form at my step daughters school, you get a free iPad! I am outraged because I want one, just for the sake of it mind. It seems irresponsible to give these kids a device that receives open Internet without age restrictions to view porn etc. My nephews have one each and they are only twelve. Actually it's iPod touches they have but it's the same thing.
There's a new idea at school where our teenagers go and it's called Verticle teaching. It means a class of pupils is no longer all one age. There are say , eight kids from four age groups in one form. This way encourages friendships across the ages and stops bullying in schools. This would probably work but for one thing...teenagers are nobs and the strong will pray on the week and the clever will pick on the thick and as ever rock hard jimmy one tooth will knock fuck out of speccy Hargreaves. And the circle of life continues....

I was woken up at 4am  not by Jacob but by my wife. She told me that she'd been up for hours unable to sleep. Women feel the need to share these moments with their partners. "hey chris wake up and listen to the fact that I'm having a terrible night not sleeping and worrying about nonsense that I can't do anything about at this ungodly hour, anyway I'm going to try to go to sleep now, good night"
So I sat in the dark wide awake "thanks for sharing".
It's the same whenever she's thrown up. I hear this shreak of "chriiiss, I've been sick" 
Why do they want to share the moment? What am I supposed to do? Personally I want to be far away from everyone at these moments.
It's one step away from her saying "Chris, come look at this, I'm that Poorly that I've done a massive 'shit'

I did not sleep well with two pints of coke going through my system, a telling off looming over me at work (which played over in my mind each time I woke up to be rid of more coke) and the presence of God in my life. I was awake before it was time to go to work. The telling off at work was manifested itself as an apology from my boss for over reacting. I was still kinda buzzing from my meeting with an old friend too.
I told my wife about my previous night and she agreed that it was nice to hear something positive.
I hope to sleep better tonight and not drink so much fluid.

Upon checking my twitter account I found I had been sent some foreign message from Indonesia. I used translate function but the only identifiable word was 'jelouse'.
I also had a foreigner spreading word that I was worthy of following on twitter. Bizarre, and probably a mistake like someone with the same name who means more to people of other  countries.

Tonight I met up with an old friend and after eight years of not really speaking to each for no obvious reason we met up. I had contacted him waving a White flag of peace on Facebook after hearing of him being a born again Christian. The reply came that he accepted my invite to meet up and so it was arranged. 
I met my old friend filled with more than a little trepidation and perhaps even a few butterflies in my stomach. It took maybe five seconds to relax into our conversation about his having found God and we didn't struggle to talk, infact we both had to think which order to tell stories in. 
All this talk about God dug up once again my own thoughts on the subject that I never fully get to grips with. Only recently I gave up booze and today is day 9 and I was in a pub for two hours without having a beer and it was very easy.
Was my friend yet another messenger from God telling me to keep edging ever closer to him or would I forever be looking the other way when I am sent signs. Ultimately it was great to talk again to him and none of the past tripped us up. I feel a lot better after tonight, well have to see if talks of holiness rub off on me. 
I did however return home and start playing Call of Duty so maybe I'm not quite ready. 
A good night though.

This morning I have written step son's bestman speech to be read out at his Dads wedding. This is the man I replaced as the head of this family. Very strange, but you have to put all this behind you. I doubt that he will feel wierd about cos he's not bothered. We have to pick the kids the kids up from his wedding reception. So his ex wife or ex wifes new husband will be at his wedding, as I say wierd.

Well the sun is trying to peek out today. Scroobiest pip is pumping on the car stereo this morning since we saw them at Bingley music live yesterday. This morning I got up and straight into the washing up and took grass cuttings to the tip. Without drink I'm on top of things. Last night I even resealed the bath with silicone.

Ok the weekend is upon me and no alcohol will pass my lips. Keep busy!! I feel fine about it today. I would go to the cinema but I won't be allowed. So instead I will do bits of house maintenance till darkness falls and then tv and bed. 
I must beat this tired feeling though

Day 3 started with my wife and I having a brief chat about no alcohol future and she thinks I'm looking to far ahead, maybe she's right.
I got into the shower before work ( unheard of ) and made sandwiches which made me feel awake and optimistic.
A bright sunny morning took me to work and the days been fine. I hope this mood sticks until bedtime.

Later...
After tea I had a go at Connor as I cleaned up. I was trying to keep busy, I tidied here and there and dusted the van and put rubbish out etc. I finally realised that I was in a tetchy mood. Maybe it was when I took the cans out of the fridge to put them in the garage and they felt really cold and refreshing. The sun shone on me in my newly cut garden and I imagined the possibilities that injecting them provide.…in reality not many. So I've come away to my bedroom to write this. Day 3 started so well and if this is because of no drink then I'm stuffed.