I am going to buy my wife a clocking in machine so she can check up on me. Now I've noticed that she asks me all the time it seems to be loads. Upon staying up at night she will ask me "how long are you going to be?"
I give her a number and she goes to bed happy. As soon as we wake up.."what time did you come to bed?"
Now coming from an insomniac I don't get it. She can be up from midnight till four am. 
"I'm just going to the library"
"how long will you be?"
"about an hour"
I returned bang on an hour as luck would have it. 
We were going out.
"where's your mum?"
"she's just getting in the bath"
"aaarrrrgggh!!!!" 
WHY ASK?!
If I'm out of sight for more than five minutes I hear a voice.
"chris.....what are you doing?" the voice floats upwards through the floorboards. 
Here's another, I'm off up to get a CD out of the attic and I have a ladder under my arm and she'll say
"what are you doing?"
WHY?



Jesus Christ give me a beer.