I have not had a drink yet, but the battle is lost.
I am ready to kill.
Reality is too close and in my face. The last two days have been bad. It may have started with my wife saying I couldn't not drink at all, but it's deeper than that. I can't seem to be able to keep this state up. All I've had in my mind for days is the image of drinking.
The first two and a half weeks felt like I had swam off into the sea away from alcohol island. The ripples of tide were the small pangs of desire for a drink that could be easily overcome. But three weeks out at sea the waves are massive and I can't imagine swimming forever against such a force. 
A big wave rose up out of nowhere and tossed me back to the beach. So when I do have a drink I will hopefully be satisfied and even a little unimpressed, and then last maybe a couple of weeks without again. These will be small victories but victories nonetheless.
I actually feel shame that I couldn't do it. I can't last one month without getting ratty and twitchy because of lifes tribulations. The kids pushed me to breaking point during this time, but luckily I didn't snap. I think I've proved to myself that I'm not alcoholic and there's not a dependency of that sort. However it's a medicinal quality i need ,as if it was a Prozac. I definitely feel like there's no wind in my sails. I'm so much quieter without it. So I apologise for not doing better. But hey...at least I tried.