My uncle died at the weekend, there was another fatal car crash near us. My sister in laws family are very I'll. My work colleges dad has terminal cancer...
But my friend is a dad again with his third child, so that's great. But still, death surrounds me today.
This cycle of life and death, what is the point?, the reason? The prize?. We are ants bustling on planet earth for nothing. Life is short, thankfully. Why get out of bed?, why not drink all the time? 
My wife said to me "I don't want to be married to a tee total bloke" so my never drinking again is dead. I will see September through but eventually it's a fact that I will have a drink and I hope I don't enjoy it. I did struggle this weekend I admit. The kids pushed at my brain with their moods. And all this clarity of thought has just brought a black cloud of seeing how shit the world is into view. My wife said I'd barely spoken to her whilst not drinking and to be honest I hadn't noticed but she's right. But as I say Fuck it, there's no point to be made in life. Just do what you want, try be happy if possible, and if you are like me dampen reality with a stimulant such as alcohol. 
Having a kid has been the only thing which has made my life worth it. But today all I seem to have done is introduce him to a shit existence of unachieved ambition and a fragile existence, he is just one more selfish act I've done.
But is it worth moping about and moaning, no definitely not. Let the fact that it's all futile, power you to be brave enough to just do what you enjoy. It's so easy to let others stop you doing things but who the fuck are they to take away a few hours pleasure from another human. 
So if today is a day of realisation..
.. Tomorrow will be a day of retaliation and making the most of it. Fuck you world, pure existence is not enough.