TIME TRAVEL PART 1
Come with me, on a trip back through the years to May 2000. I hope that we can learn something about ourselves. Time travel is possible if you have as many well kept diaries as I do. The story will be dark in places and I'm going to be honest through out. I would not be able to do this experiment if I was not of a steady mind frame. Over a month of sobriety has brought me here.
 Well the first place that we will visit is into the heart of a war with myself that I nearly lost. I will include fragments of real diary writings that I will put in CAPITAL LETTERS to distinguish from current analysis. 
Strap your selves in.
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May 2000
I CAME HOME AND WATCHED 'MANSUN' (Marilyn manson)
I CUT MY ARMS AND STOMACH SEVERAL TIMES.
Yes I had returned from disappearing from drinks with friends to my house where I lived alone to cut myself yet again. This secret performance was escalating and I both wanted to do it and wanted to be stopped. 
I think I wanted to do it so that then I could wallow in the fact that I had done it and I had a reason to accompany the daily feeling of depressive thoughts. 
One moment my mind was optimistic in my diaries and the next I was cutting myself. Looking back it was like being schizophrenic but being completely aware of both halves. The following day I wrote this,
WENT TO IKEA AND BOUGHT TWO COUCH THROWS AND THEN A 12" STAR WARS BATTLE DROID
I mean one minute I was being an adult and getting throws for the house and yet still buying toys like they were a necessity. 
I AM GOING TO NEED TO COVER MY SCARRED ARMS FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS. 
So I knew that upon doing it I was then having to wear long sleeves regardless of the hot summer weather. 
At the same time as this I was obviously single. However I had my sister (age 11) to thank for setting me up with a girl where she went to be looked after in the school holidays. I now that sounds bizarre but that is how this girls number fell into my lap. I shall refer to this girl as N. Secondly there was a girl in the village pub where I frequented that also was in text talks to arrange a date with. I shall refer to her as A. I spent money I did not have and debts were spiralling at home. Credit cards were juggled terribly but I had no one to stop me. I just thought, hey I'm 26 now and I will pay it back later when I no longer have my youth. What would be the point of staying in and saving every penny at 26, only to have money at 40 and then missed out on the possibility of meeting the love of my life or vital experiences? Basically I burnt the candle at both ends and dripped the hot wax on my arms when I was alone. 
So self destruction was done every couple of weeks after partying. I use the word partying soooooo loosely. 
On the other hand I had borrowed a friends bicycle and enjoyed pushing my body into fitness each day. I drank lots of water too whilst at work. Again with the two personalities. One water for one lager.
Because money was of no concern I booked a weekend holiday to Dublin with some workmates. This would involve drinking heavily and would indeed lead to more cutting when alone. Enjoyment was kept in check by the dark clouds that followed. Almost as if I punished myself for enjoying myself, which because I didn't really have the money for it, I kinda deserved (but in a more constructive manner). 
I would spend empty evenings writing my diaries but mostly doing something very much like I am doing here, MY LIFE STORY.
I had reached the second book of MY LIFE STORY which was inspired by my Grandmas book about her life. 
It also played to my self indulgence (again, just as I'm doing now). 
I MUST WRITE MORE was a common phrase written as I signed goodnight in my diary each night. 
To further pull myself in too many directions I also agreed to go to TENERIFE with a group of friends. Fuck the money. 
(What an idiot).
So the dates with A and N came around. To cut a long story short, A didn't really get started but she looked nice enough to give me some sort of confidence boost and yet then look at my arms and tell myself that I was a fuck up inside, damaged goods who a nice girl would be quick to throw away. 
The blind date with N was like being in a film. I was stood waiting in a pub porch for my blind date to arrive when I had to step aside for a beautiful girl to walk in to the pub. As I moved out of the way the girl said "are you Chris?"
To say that N was beautiful is not really doing it justice. Obviously that is objective and down to your opinion but in my eyes she was 'an angel'. Infect I would say that I only found her so easy to talk to because I didn't tell myself I had the remotest chance of ever seeing her again. This girl would see the night out and tell her mates that I was a fuck up. 
Both N and A had the same story. They were living with boyfriends but unhappy at heart and looking for a get out. (is this a common lie that they perpetrate or just a coincidence? Also this shows that this went on)
N eventually text me a few days later saying she would like to be friends. 
BASICALLY THAT MEANS FUCK OFF I wrote.

So looking back i was embracing life where I could. But behind closed doors I was battling myself. How could I get on in life if I was a mess inside and in debt? Who the hell would have me? Alcohol played a vital part. The initial beer buzz signified life being enjoyed and yet the last pint made my skin itch and the only way to stop it was to cut the surface until the shock levelled me out and the regret of doing it came to the fore followed by the self loathing.
 
Well there is piece one of the jigsaw. Let's move to another May.