TIME TRAVEL PART 2
We ended our first visit in the year 2000 where I lived alone and was on an obvious downward spiral. But let's travel back to May again but five years previous and see what we can learn. 
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It's May 1995. 
I am 20 years old and living in my mums new house. All my belongings are in boxes because I will soon be getting the keys to my first house. I work as I always have and still do as a printer. Because of the new start approaching I decide it's time to grow up. I will soon be 21 after all. 
I take acid for the last time, one for luck, if you will. 
But I will record the event by writing whilst under the influence so that I can read it back after and see if anything can be understood about the nature of being under the influence. 21 scrawled pages later I have finished. Most of the pages are not written straight. First the word 'circle' is written over and over and then just a drawing. The drug pauses for me later to have me write a sentence that I can never finish but I can understand the point. Basically I am trying to say that by the time you have had a thought to write down, another one has started and then another on top. Spiralling thoughts go round and round and repeat. I keep trying to finish the sentence explaining this but then lose my thread until it comes again and so I write the sentence again. It's because of the writing it down  experiment that I can now remember what it was like and my conclusion. The answer to the universe is 'a circle'. 
At the heart of our existence is a rotation of events forever. We are born and grow, have children and they take over, have their children who grow, who have children and take over....etc
Then there's the planets in the sky, all circles. The earth is one one of those circles. Everything is about repetition. We are a chain link (a circle) in a large chain that we are just a tiny part of. 
Anyway, you get the idea. Now I think this shows me as a little bit more than just a waster. I like examining thoughts. I write them down to be studied. 
However with one old vice gone I had started to drink whole bottles of Southern Comfort on an evening which roused my brain in slightly different way. Where my thoughts on drugs were always positive and about loving the universe, drink always brought out my demons. I frequented the local pub too often. I worked and lived with my mum so therefore wasted rime and money in there. After one such day of drinking I was alone again to listen to the negative thoughts and I cut the word BROKEN into my left arm with a scalpel. Not deep enough to tear flesh, just surface damage and blood seepage. It hurt. And yet it let a certain sort of pressure out. Afterwards I would be calm. Was that adrenaline? 
Here started the process that five years later would become overpowering. 
My diary reads:
"I FEEL LIKE SHITE
I NEED A GIRLFRIEND
NO NOT, I want A GIRLFRIEND! 
I NEED A GIRLFRIEND
I WANT MY OWN SANCTUARY
DO I WANT ATTENTION? WELL NOT FROM MANY, JUST FROM ONE.
AM I REALLY A LOSER WHO CAN'T ADMIT IT?
OR HAVE I SOME HIDDEN TALENT?
PAIN MAKES YOU ALIVE

WHY DO I ANALYSE?
I AM HOPELESS. I DON'T FEEL SUICIDAL, I JUST DON'T FEEL OPTIMISTIC ABOUT THE FUTURE."

Well there you go. A lonely child really getting thrust out onto his own, to fend for himself. Yet I was not ready. Infact I was already cutting myself. Was this a cry for help saying "I'm scared to move out?"
I was really looking forward to moving out though. But I did fear the loneliness. 
May 15th
I got the keys to my first house. I was chuffed at the having the keys but I looked at the former old persons home and didn't warm to it. My house was a very odd corner terrace that looked creepy from the outside. Inside was also oddly laid out. So cosmetically it never really felt like home but it was to be a foot in the door. I planned to stay here for four or five years and sell and move to nicer. I was there more like 13 years. On that first day, all I had for seating was a tall White stool. But that was enough to start with as my brothers chipped in to decorate the lounge. I slowly moved in over the next week and yet still taxied my way back and forth to the old local pub because I knew people. The barmaids there who I will refer to as L apparently liked the look of me. This girl looked to me like she was older by a handful of years and should know better. But hey if she was interested then I would develop an interest. She was not my 'type' and yet she was pretty. The flirting lasted for the course of about a month and ultimately nothing but a date or two came from it. I always seemed to be after someone to think about, I just knew that I didn't have anything to back it up. Inside I felt broken. But I didn't know what was missing. I only thought that i would meet a person who had the missing element and all would be rosey. 
I still had my humour though as I copied something I had read intao my diary which made me laugh and still does. 
"TAKE THE TRAUMA OUT OF A SERIOUS ROAD TRAFFIC ACCIDENT BY REPLACING THE AIRBAGS WITH A HUGE WHOOPEE CUSHION.
YOU WILL STILL BE LAUGHING AS THEY CUT YOU FREE"

...to be continued...