TIME TRAVEL PART 3
Welcome back to the past. I would like, if I may, to take us further back. Another five years should do it. To 1990. Surely there, at 15 years old I had not been so self destructive. Well let's see.
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MAY 1990.
It is my last year at school and I am busy not revising for my final exams. The important things for me at this point was not grades, as I knew the would be of no use. It was a discovery of music that I liked as well as friends. There was a scene bubbling. Soon we ourselves would ride the crest of this wave to the record shops and spend our not earned pocket money on these discs. The Madchester scene began, you could argue, the previous summer as record deals were done etc. The Stone Roses and Happy Mondays were being played just as our life was going to release us into society to find a job. Friendships were made stronger from us sharing music and it was both exciting and daunting. My mum was with a new man and he took me to my first gig in Leeds to see 'The Fall'. It had filled me with anxiety. Would I have to dance in front of this man? My god would he dance in front of me?. I danced in front of my mirror and squirmed. I was going to look a nob. 
The gig came and I was relieved to find there really was no room to throw some shapes and so I thoroughly enjoyed this first experience. I thank him for that. Depeche Mode released 'Violator' too, arguable their best. This would become 'My Time' and the music would forever imprint images of strong emotions of this time. And best of all I wouldn't have to go to fucking school again. 
This year, I had progressed from small diaries with barely enough room for ten words a day to a schoolbook style home made diary that I had picked up from a stock room. I could fit one hundred words on here. But since some days I had not much to say, I would scrawl girls names, swearing and song lyrics larger than normal on the pages. the obsession with lists was born. A host of names and 'funny' things that happened to them are on these pages. Now I look and can barely them or remotely find the funny things amusing. A child's mind in a child size body. But if I played my cards right I could lose my virginity soon. Yes! I was almost a man! I would make it my life's work to shag every girl in the local area. Surely I had good points. I was interesting! I was a bit weird, which was close enough to be interesting wasn't it? (no).
I was going to make my place in the world...........right after I had watched lots of varying Tv programmes. My friend D and I would walk the street and then sit for hours playing on my games console and we would share a similar thought process. We felt comfortable in each others company. He was the more calming influence for me and I've no idea why he hung around with me. A level headed young man and a brittle fool are a strange mix and yet it worked. 'Vic Reeves' began on TV and we also both watched 'Absolutely'. D got me into these if I'm honest. 
D had decide to go into further education, which left me looking for a job. 
The careers advisor had asked me what I wanted to be.
"I want to be an author and live on an island, maybe in Scotland" I said. 
"Are you good at English?" she asked. 
"No" 
"Then maybe you should try something lower down the spectrum, but still working with books."
"Like what, journalism?"
"No" she said "working in a library". 
It was this kind of thinking that actually got me into printing. Being a librarian must've seemed like a pipe dream. Having the finished books in my hands was something I was just not skilled enough for. 
So I would be in charge of printing the words on paper since I loved drawing and writing. 
My career  plan was to get as much money for as little work as was possible. I kind of succeeded. 
One interview went well and I was given the job. 
I had only recently finished school though so my plans of lounging about were being threatened. 
My new boss asked "When can you start?" 
"Erm... Three weeks time?" that would be some relaxation at least. 
"How about Monday?
"Ok"
That was that. I went home and listened to 'Tangerine Dream' and revelled at having some money coming. That was huge hurdle out of the way. Then the nerves came though. What went on at work?.

I see that in my diary in 1990 I had these three pages,
GIRLS WHO I FANCY (13 names)
GIRLS WHO FANCY ME (7, fat, ugly and desperate to name but three)
GIRLS WHO I'VE BEEN OUT WITH (5). As many as 5 you say?
Well the time scales were written after each entry. They ranged from 2 minutes ( at a school disco, before she said she changed her mind), to two weeks. Two weeks of just 'saying' that were you going out with a girl was what it amounted to. But it all counted at the time. The obsession with relationships and the status that they represented was under way , and my down fall in that area had begun.
But I was mostly a blank canvas. I deeply wanted to make people laugh. I would have sold my soul to make people love me. The more acceptance the better. I needed to be loved. There were no hugs at home. I didn't come from that kind of family. I shut myself in my room and felt alone even then. But I had D and another mate S who would keep me in line, probably unknowingly. 
There was already a dark side though. The divorce that my mum and dad had  was never discussed. When I asked a question I was told "I'll tell you when you are older". My mum had been trying to meet other men over the previous years. I didn't like it though. Who were these men? I was the man of the house now that my brothers had moved out. I was the protector. I slept on the bottom bunk bed. I kept three knives to hand. I didn't feel entirely safe. If my mum was attacked I would have to help. I heard shouting matches at tomes and I would squeeze the knife so hard that it hurt. Luckily nothing came of that. Insecurities were there but who didn't have them? I guess what I never really had was someone to tell me it was all going to be ok. Everybody just got on with their business. 
So to summarise, I was starting work, talking about hopes and dreams and was going through puberty. I think we should go back further one more time before we look at some good times. We will go back to 1980.
See you there.