TIME TRAVEL PART FOUR
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We arrive in 1984 'Duran Duran' have funny hair and make up, 'Frankie..' tells us to 'relax' and I am 10. Fashion gave me a wide berth and my hair has been problematic since I was born. Am I happy child?  I spend nearly all the time alone. I draw and play with my Star Wars toys. Even at 13 I would secretly play with them monthly. But for now I am happy in my own company. For Christmas I ask for 1/ Star Wars toys and 2/ Books about the unexplained (most importantly, the paranormal). 
I'm now 37 and that would still be what I would accept as great presents.
I was happy on the inside but the message never reached my face. Spending so much time alone I didn't develop the need to express facial signs to others to basically put them at their ease. My brothers were six and seven years older than me and at that time of life it may as well have been a million years. I had already been plagued by nightmares at the previous house and carried the repeat of them to the house that we now lived in. I was fed and watered and clothed but I think interaction was something only other kids had. Now I must stress that the adult me actually will admit that there are far far far worse off kids out there, but I am only dissecting my life, and for me I think I would have benefitted from more one on one interaction. But would I have been weaker and even more needy?
I think if you are born a moaner you stay a moaner. 
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Jump back a few years to 1980. The marriage of my parents must be dissolving and there must've been friction but I have no memory of arguments but I still wince at raised voices. I had already started my first ghost team in first school. There were three of us. Meetings were held in the school boys toilets were I would hold there attention by telling them the whole of the boys toilets was actually a time machine. If I fiddled with the radiator knobs then we would be whisked back to prehistoric times ( the only one that I knew the name of, luckily) where we would see dinosaurs when we left the toilets....BUT the real images would appear to be of 1980 because our brain would not be able to cope with the truth of what we might see. That's quite imaginative I think for a six year old. Maybe it's not thinking about it more. Either way I think it was the earliest lie that I can remember formulating for entertainment purposes. One more thing to mention whilst we are here. I liked my first pop star from here on. Adam and the Ants who became Adam Ant, had a few records in the charts and I loved the drums first and foremost but then learnt the lyrics from the album inner sleeve. I asked the teacher if I could perform one of his songs without accompanying music. She agreed and I sang through the song 'Antmusic' (verse, verse chorus verse chorus chorus). The whole thing was music in my head and yet it must've been a drone to the audience who became fidgety by the end. What strokes me Is my confidence in front of those few people. I thought it went so well that I asked to do it again when I had recruited one other lad who also knew the album. I sang 'Stand and Deliver' with the new lad singing the 'dah diddly qua qua's' at the end. This may mean nothing to some of you I now. 
The point is I think this is the same strain of wanting to be noticed in some way that runs right into my life today. For all the locking myself away from the world, I always try and  get some people to hopefully look my way, (HELLO BLOG READERS). There seems to be a need for attention. Or is it more? I will settle for attention but really would like some nice comment off the back of it. I think I was trying tom make up for the lack of attention I got at home. I think the word that best sums up the through thread of my life is 'desperate'. Desperate for acceptance, desperate to be loved and desperate to be noticed. 
So now that we have trawled some of my darkest moments I think we should take a visit to some moments that approach joy and happiness even if they were fleeting so that we can see the contrast. 
See you in the future time travellers.....
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