Part of the therapy of revisiting my past diaries and the actions contained within, is to work through the emotions and learn from them without a need to look away. Well the mentioning of my ex wife in the pages of my diary ten years before we re met, make me feel a bit heady. It's like all the 'could of beens' and 'what if that never happenned' events would have made my life so scarily different. But would I have worked out to be any different if I had chose a different path? I doubt that I would have been much more sociable or any less selfish. 
All I know is that the birth of my son changed my life for good and for the better. My son has given me a zest for my own life. Without even trying he transformed me into someone I never thought I could be and so that allows me to print my foibles from the past. I offer up my failings so that you may see parallels and manage to not waste time on the wrong path as you negotiate the stormy seas of life. 
I endeavour to give my son back some of the magic which he has bestowed on me. My only ambition nowadays is to be thought of as a good father and also to be true to myself. 
"it's better to be a good version of yourself, than a bad version of someone else". 

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Part 2- Episode 2)

Monday 1st February 1993 
I had sorted my lost bank card out whilst at work and had to wait for its replacement. At the work I had also purchased a tab of LSD from a workmate. This was the drug of choice at this time for many clubbers etc. This was an experimental time of life and I was at the age of doing what I wanted but not having the ability to make good decisions. 
I had called to see my eldest brother and I had watched RED DWARF with him, which I ended up borrowing from him as well as games for my SUPER NINTENDO. This was also a day when there was a man coming to take away our pet golden Labrador 'Penny'. I wasn't close to this dog of ours. We simply shared a house. When I was given the news that she was going to be given to a home for old dogs to see out their last days I expected to feel something like sadness. But really I just patted her head and said "see ya". Let's be honest I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything. Emotions were a weakness that put you on the back foot. Even when I think back to Penny now, I don't feel much and yet she was a part of the family. At 9:42pm I had put on my headphones to drown out my two year old sisters screaming and knocking. She would bang on the wall a LOT. Since I have now had a two year old of my own , this strikes me as odd behaviour but at the time it was just my job to try and ignore it. I fell asleep with my headphones on and drifted deeply into a sleep for a while. My dreams were filled with images of characters from Clive Barkers 'The Great And Secret Show', I was Bobby Joe the Death Boy and I was gathering an army. 

Tuesday 2nd February. 1993
I had met a kooky girl through going out who was well thought of an attention seeker but on the other hand she gave me attention. I didn't find her attractive at all but the attention made me put up with her annoying personality. Anyway she turned up at my mums house in the afternoon and she had a friend in tow. It was a girl who would actually become my wife in 2006 and the one I would split up with in 2011. 
My diary said that she had seemed visibly 'against being here' and 'shy, bored or tired'. My ex told me as much, years later when she described being brought to mine by the annoying girl as if to get brownie points for knowing a lad like me. 
Such a weird thing that we ended up married. There was no spark at all between us in that fleeting visit. There was no spark between us in our marriage either.I HAVE LEARNT AN ENORMOUS LESSON FROM THIS SO IT HAS ALL BEEN WORTH IT.
I lifted my brothers dumbells for half an hour and thought that if I could do this every day or two, then in ten years I would be massive and muscly and probably irisistable to women. 
I closed the night by doing my own Tarot cards readingKK for myself. They seemed to suggest that I was going to meet a girlfriend soon and I tried to go to sleep after this news but I couldn't because my baby sister created lots of noise for two hours. (she has no memory of being like this). 
It's quite spooky reading that my wife actually was passing right in front of my eyes at this point. I however looked at everyone else in the pursuit of love. All I wanted was for someone from the future to tell me that "everything will be ok", by that I meant that I would end up with a wife and kids be happy in that scenario. 
I was mixed up at this moment. Every emotion was an uncertain one. I was feeling things for the first time and not knowing who I was. I read horror books and watched films a lot. I experimented with drugs and I should say I was really the happiest I'd been to date whilst high. But when I was sober I had a huge emptiness inside which I thought a girl would fill. I guess I expected a girl to teach me what I needed that I was missing to fill the hole. Everyone needs to feel like they are important to someone. We all need to feel like we are special to others too. My mind was occupied with twisted grotesqueries such as The Jim Rose Side-show Circus and a band called 'SHEEP ON DRUGS'. The two main parts of my character were 1/ a darkness of some kind and 2/ a desperation to be loved. 
 
(to be concluded)    

"THE MORE YOU FEAR SOMETHING, THE MORE YOU GIVE IT POWER". 
I need to take this advice myself as I keep hitting a wall the same wall that surprises me each time. It's all too easy to become your own enemy. So I refuse to be bothered about a certain situation because I am above it. 

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (PART 2, episode 1)

Friday 29th January 1993.

Whitney Houston was number one in the charts with "I will always love you" and at number ten Take That sang "could it be magic". It was a time when the eighties influences were fading out and the nineties we're trying to make a name for themselves. 
I am nearing 19 years old and as its a weekend I am meeting my two best friends and going to the club called 'Tumblers' in Bradford. Dan B lent me some money since I couldn't find my bank card earlier in the day and it had been a big deal to think that I would not be going out. What if I missed something? 
Well it turned out I would have missed my friend SR getting off with a girl who turned out to like a drink too much. With the best intentions SR allowed her affections to wash over him as long as they were not closely followed by vomit. The very few nights this romance lasted for them usually ended up with her head stuck to a table with her own spit and sick. But at this moment in time I guess he hoped maybe things would go well and at least he could feel great from her attentions. I had a girl drunkenly telling me that she loved me but since I felt nothing for her at all it was a waste. I still believe it was one of those drunken moments were she would have loved anyone because she was so inebriated. So it doesn't count. 
The night had started off too sober for my liking as my tolerance for drink had started to increase. Once we reached Tumblers I had to fire a few down to feel at home. Dan B and myself sat and chatted nonsense with each other and even passed the time by trying to pretend we were a couple according to my diary. Drink + Boredom = Hilarity. 

Saturday
The following day I would have rose out of bed around ten am and watched a film. The evening came around again and this time the three of us were going to the local village pub. 
SR and I waited for Dan B to join us and we then Stood playing pool mostly as we chatted. After our few pints Dan B came to my mums and we watched Frank Skinner Live and he cut my hair. So I still had the shaved haircut that I had started the previous year. Dan B would amuse himself by never shaving a small section at the back of my head. I would notice the clump and make him do it right. Friendship goes to fuck when a teenager sees a joke ahead. 

Sunday
At 11 am I sat in my bedroom watching 'My Cousin Vinny' thinking good lucks to SR who was meeting his new girlfriend at the train station and they would greet each other sober for a change. Later that day I took my mums car to get petrol and I parked on the right hand side of the petrol pumps and was embarrassed that the hole was on the other side. So before I could dispense petrol I had to start it up and turn it around in quite a limited space. I did the move and went down the other left before realising that I had now made the same mistake twice and the hole was still on the wrong side. Rather than run away though I talked loudly to make out I wasn't too bothered and managed to put the petrol on and made a mental note to never do that again. 
As I lay in bed on this night I wondered about the validity of the girl who had professed her love to me on Friday. Even the slightest hint of that sort was a seed in my head that needed to be processed. NO that was my final answer, I didn't like her so why would I contemplate trying to 'see what would happen'. 


(to be continued)

It's lunch time on Friday and I can't make my next delivery until the customer arrives back. He says he will be thirty minutes. So with the blessing from my boss, I can sit and wait. It's a drizzly day again today as I listen to music on shuffle. Today my son and I are going to make spaceman helmets from boxes covered in tin foil. I have forgotten to bring a large heavy cardboard home from work which I plan to decorate as a spaceships inner control panel. 
I have quite a busy weekend planned but it will be enjoyable. My sat nav purchase Is proving worthwhile and it makes my travel time more accurate. 
There are eight films at the cinema this week that I would like to watch. Maybe my stepson and I will squeeze one in tomorrow. I have four lovefilm DVDs to watch swell though this weekend. Hey, if it makes me happy then just do it. 
I'm looking forward to taking my son to a friends birthday party tomorrow lunch. It is a boy from nursery's 4th birthday. I've never really watched him play with anyone his own age. 

I fought my way to my aunts house for tea, thought the work traffic and the sleet filled rain and dark. I can do without it snowing. I seemed to surprise my aunt by arriving ten minutes early and it made me feel as if I had got the wrong day. I was comforted when I saw my name wrote upon a kitchen calendar. No matter how sure you are of something, you can be brought to doubt yourself by a simple expression on someone's face. Now I find myself sat in silence in her lounge whilst she cooks tea. It feels very surreal...I feel in the way if anything. 
I had promised my cousin from Hull that I would visit him and his family in February. I have stuck to my word and text them a date. I received a text back saying that I would have a double bed to myself. So I returned the text by saying I wouldn't be sleeping over. It's only an hour or so to get there. That isn't a big deal for me and I don't like to not sleep at home. If I have a house that is reachable I will always plump for that. Visiting people is something that eats into my personal time and so it's something I don't want to drag out. This goes for all visits that I plan and as you can probably tell, I don't plan many. What's wrong with not wanting to invade other peoples quality time? Have others really got nothing better to do? Well, I have.

I have exchanged a couple of brief emails to my father. My initial reaction to this happening is always frosty but I think I have to be the better man and just allow him the opportunity to screw up again one more time. 

One good thing I enjoyed today was my step daughter agreeing to come and see two films with me. There has been a radio silence from her and it made me think that she sees me as some kind of enemy. I guess to a near.y sixteen year old, everyone is the enemy. I felt like that and never grew out of it. I had dalliances with being personable but always ended up worse off. 


By the way...to all those asking... I still am ALMOST about to do the next A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1993, it just keeps being tomorrow when I will do it. 

I lost myself successfully in 'Troll Hunter' and 'Sherlock Holmes 2'. Then I enjoyed playing free for all MW3 with a friend for the first time. After letting down my guard to my father, his first act was to get my sons name wrong. I guess he can't be blamed for that. It just means I did a good job of keeping him away. But since I received an apology of sorts I threw him a bone. I don't need any 'what ifs' when I'm on my death bed. It seems ok to give your father an extra bonus last chance. But I'm not got to expand on that because I am not giving him the power. 
So in other news...it's a real struggle to keep my mouth shut and not tell people my business. I decided to not share anything for two weeks on a trial basis but of some reason, although I've done it so far, ive found it incredibly hard. Perhaps we need others to unburden ourselves upon. We often don't require answers from them but it's the sharing that matters. 
Eg. This blog. 

I sent an email earlier just 'shooting the shit'. I got a reply which made my conversation seem fruitless in importance. The more I went over what I'd written, the more I wondered if it had been interpreted wrongly. Anyway I spun into feelings of regretting communication with another human for the umpteenth time. No one seems to be on my wavelength. I try talking about stuff beneath the surface and no one takes anything from it. So here begins my minimising my contact with others. I always end up punishing myself for trying to mingle. I will give it a couple of weeks being quiet, except for these pages. 
This is like talking to thin air but it's also recorded. 
Thank God I'm still sober after seven and a half months because I would be spitting venom probably at myself. 
11:11pm. Here comes a quite busy week.
See you on the other side. 

Today my son and I visited my Gran who is my fathers mother. I try and keep in touch with her and we rarely speak of my dad but today she handed me a letter from my dad. I read it and found it to be a short sharp apology. Whether it was the new contact with his daughter or the new lady in his life who urged this well overdue sentiment, it was still a positive move. I couldn't really expect anything more from him in his position. So I tried to be adult and i have sent word to him that his apology has been accepted. But now what? What real difference does it make? Apology or not, he serves no purpose to me and never has. I guess there is a sense of closure in a small way but ultimately it's still a shameful waste of a father son relationship that I was desperate to fulfil as I was growing up. 

The moment is of more significance than what will stem from it. 

I decided that today I would try one of the local coffee bars in Silsden. I thought that maybe coffee bars were where I could remove myself from my usual surroundings and maybe find inspiration. So I saw option one was too busy for me and walked a little further to option two. Having never used a coffee shop before I ordered a latte. Once I was presented with it I went to sat down. The girl apologised for the polystyrene cup as she didn't know that I wanted to have it inside. I explained that I'd never done it before so wasn't sure of the system. 
The coffee itself is like a home coffee with extra milk and no sugar. There is probably a system involved, such as asking for sugar upon ordering but I've NEVER done it so how would I know. 
I have experienced slight discomfort already and I can put that in my experience bank. I should explain that this small shop is not a chain of the larger type. It's the sort you stumble into in seaside resorts but it's three minutes walk from my home. Option one is one minute walk from my home and I will give it a second chance on the way back home.  

Now then I have just seen an advert for a place in Silsden which sells crystals and does tarot readings. I shall call in and see if there is any interest in tying our crowds together. 
Fortuitous perhaps. 


I entered the shop and was excited at the place for it's potential in our helping them and them helping us. So maybe an hour passed with our chat and I hurried home and networked the new lead to our team. 
It felt like destiny or some other force guided me and I followed. 

  There are some simple pleasures in life that are too often overlooked. Lately I have been excited by a piece of board that I see as a potential Ouija board. Tonight I sit in bed watching 'Zathura' on my portable DVD player and it's lovely and cosy. Also a few days ago I enjoyed a cheese sandwich with Reggae Reggae sauce in which was a real treat in a simple way. 
 
One simple thing that is presenting a problem though is tiredness. My lower eyelids flutter when I'm tired as if a nerve or vein shudders upon exhaustion. There just isn't enough hours in a day. It's also a surprise to think that it's almost a year since I was left with no choice but to become single. But many good things have occurred since then and I see my path set out before me now. 

Once again the window of free time shuts too quickly. Another brief blog crammed in where I wanted to wrote a longer one. Oh well...maybe tomorrow. 

After our trying investigation event at Hebden Bridge last night I awoke and idled in front of the tv until it was time to pick up my step son. We went to the cinema to watch 'The Darkest Hour'. We both really enjoyed it and it felt good sharing his company again. I do wish he was my son but it's kinda nice that I'm not too. I take credit that he still wants to be my friend because he could've dropped me. He doesn't know that I was pushed out of the marriage so he may have seen it as me leaving the family home. It'll come out on time when he has the confidence to ask. I'd love to shake him and say not to bother with women but I know that isnt how it works. Everybody needs to burn their fingers before they understand what 'hot' is. 

It's Sunday afternoon and darkness has drawn in. The days of January 2012 tick by like a clocks second counting hand. Sometimes I wish I was a world away, in a house situated in the shadows of a far off moon where nooses expectations of me can reach me. My hatred of society and mingling with others is still worn on my sleeve. Will I ever thaw? Luckily the path I am now on doesn't need it to so its not an issue. My life is selfish in many ways but also it means I don't drag others down into my darkness. BUT in my opinion I am the brightest I have ever been. My moods are great (for me) and its only the fact that I feel out of synch with others that causes a problem. When I'm alone I don't see my weaknesses coming into action so I'm fine. It's when others pass me by that I feel like a round peg on a square hole. 

"a place for everything and everything in its place" as they say...and I am in my place, you can join me if you like but you won't stick it as there's only one seat...and I won't share it. 
(but I will give it up for my son). 

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1993....coming soon.

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (episode 1, part 3)

Conclusion....

The feeling a being dumped by SB faded in importance. I weathered the storm and the closing diary comments slowly became 'stay calm' and then 'I want a new girlfriend'. Time is a great healer and teenage time drags and makes weeks feel like months. So with a small emotional scar that has never healed I just worked and watched films and lost myself in music that made me feel angry (and strong) or just comforted. One girl can't hold you down, I learnt. With each cut comes a scar that is tougher than the fresh skin was before. In the end a new scar would be made again and I awaited it's arrival. 
Every weekend was a pursuit of a new girl to scrub away the taste of SB from my mouth. I never have had a real bad feeling about her though. I would always be very pleasant to her if I ever met her. It's all in the past isn't it? 



(Is it fuck)



Tuesday January 28th 1992
Closing diary comment " I LOVE GIRLS!"

I was back to normal. 

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Episode 1, Part 2)

SUNDAY JANUARY 12th 1992
 
Upon lifting my diary down from my shelves and opening the front, out fell three a4 pages with what appeared to be hieroglyphics written on them. In fact I had created this gibberish very slowly and it looked like I had put a lot of effort, meaninglessly into making it look like a coded piece of writing. 
I thumbed further and discovered a 'key' with the same ornate patterns on. Well on this days entry I explain to my future self that when deciphered, it actually makes sense. I worked out the title page first...
I'd called the piece "BOOK OF THE DEAD- REBORN"...I couldn't be arsed working out anymore. 
So I'd spent this Sunday in question in 1992, listening to Nirvana and writing coded messages and watching 'NIGHTBREED'. 
At 8:07pm I had written "cheer up please"....worth a shot I suppose. 

To close on this evening I put...
(In large letters) "I MISS SB"
Then in smaller letters "pretty badly"
I laughed at my non committal comment again. I had obviously written how I missed her but it seemed to read much more desperately than it had felt. Even with the added comment of "9 days since I last saw her" I thought it looked like I was mostly bored.
 
(MONDAY 13th JANUARY 1992)
 The next day seemed like a quiet one apart from my thoughts and fears about my second attempt at my driving test. I had failed first time even though I was adequate at driving. It was the test circumstances that put me Ill at ease. I had a driving lesson, which always left me sweaty for some reason. Really nice instructor who I used to have quite deep conversations with about love etc. I always opened up to people who I had a chance of barely seeing. I still find it easier to open up to strangers, hence this blog to a faceless community. 
Anyway It seems I was very wrapped up in the question of whether I was feeling lonely or not and whether I would pass my test. 

TUESDAY 14th JANUARY 1992

Today I watched 'CYBORG' and did some weights. Yes it's true I dabbled with lifting weights now and again. A few pressups and sit ups a day and by the time I was forty maybe I would be ripped!
I wrote that I had 'very few spots at the moment'. 
Like any self respecting greasy faced twonk I would keep a close check on my skin for spots. I washed with anti spot cream as standard. I had a few spots throughout my teems but never more than about three or four. Enough to bother me of course. It felt like if you had spots, then your face would blur until people only saw your spots and would talk directly at them. 
I ended my diary this evening with a more upbeat "Goodnight Twat, Fuck problems"

WEDNESDAY 15th JANUARY 1992

"tired" drinking a hot chocolate. 

Seems like a quiet day. I will take this opportunity to say that I had a job at a printers on Keighley. I would jump in the back of a workmates van and we would go to work. I got the job just before my sixteenth birthday in 1990. I still print today (2012) but for a different company. 

THURSDAY 16th JANUARY 1992

I failed my second driving test. I was too fast at times by about three miles an hour, due to nerves. I wanted to drive with a fake confidence and so I guess I tried to hard under pressure. I had been pretty confident that since most people fail their first test, that I too would pass on this second attempt. 
I retired to my room to watch 'BLOODSPORT'. It would appear that I had borrowed a job lot of Van Damme films. This was all part of my self film education. 
My mate Dan rang to see how I had gone on and to ask if I was frequenting Tumblers tomorrow. 

My diary says that I went up to my room and scratched 'PAIN' into my arm. It makes me a little sad reading that as I now know it would snowball and get out of hand. 

So with a little optimism I managed to sign off with "Start Afresh" 

(TO BE CONTINUED)

A week in the life part 1

A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Episode 1)

The year is 1992. It's FRIDAY JANUARY 10th. There are adverts for the new console SEGA CD on the tv as well as RESERVOIR DOGS at the cinema. But tonight finds  a 17 year old me getting ready to go to Bradford with his friend Dan. With a new haircut atop my head I am showered and listening to things such as the new 7" by The Wedding Present, 'Blue Eyes'. 
Dan and I head straight to 'Tumblers' nightclub/shithole. 
Whilst I enjoy 2 pints of cider a list of names join us. My diary lists them, but I only know who one of them is, out of ten. Now that's scary.
We sit and try and make conversation as we await the upper floor to open where we can sit in the dark and imagine what it would be like to get off with someone who would turn out to mean a lot to us. 
There is a tendency to look back upon these times as a high point of life. But I am not fooled, it was heart wrenching at best. Each lonely journey home with no new experience to show for it. It would have been cheaper to stay home and play the same music. (forever the party animal,I)
My diary ends this night with these lines....
'SB nowhere in sight'


Ok it didn't say SB, but these are the initials of my by then Ex girlfriend. A brief but important exchange of fluids had seemed to mean the world to me......that month. 
Oh how fickle womanhood had seemed. SB had weeks earlier been a veggie eating peace maker and now she had turned into a rocker, dropped softie ME and went looking for a rocker boyfriend. I'd changed my image in a way since being dumped. I shaved all my hair off except for the fringe. This was a look amongst some youths at the time. We were copying 'CARTER USM' who had some popularity. I just looked a cock but I think it was a last bid crack at making SB regret what she had thrown away. I was putty in her hands if only she wanted to get her hands on me.....thing is.. She didn't. 
Look out as I might, she never was seen pretty much from then on, even though I looked every week (until the next brief girlfriend occurred).
I had took the breakup badly although not half as badly as I pretended, even to myself. It seemed like a good focus for my dwelling on life and death, like any self respecting teen. 
 
Anyway finally that days entry ended with...
'SB I really like you and I want to see you'

There's something non committal about that wording almost understanding that you have to leave room for your desire to reach higher heights in the future. 
  

SATURDAY JANUARY 11th 1992
 
1:14pm I state to my diary that I am tired. I sit on my (smelly) bed and watch Jean-Claude Van Damme in 'AWOL'. As I watch this film I scrawl that 'I find it hard not to think of SB' 
But luckily I have plans in the afternoon. I visit my aunts and play three board games and tell my diary proudly that I won two of these games adding that we also ate 'Spicy Food'. (Forever the culinary expert)
I present my aunt with two drawings I have done for her. 
The first is called "AIR RIDE IN THE BLIND KNOWLEDGE OF HAPPINESS"
The second is "DRIFTING THROUGH THE WRINKLED VALLEYS OF PULSATING MOUNTAINS"
The titles are heavily influenced by listening to "THE ORB".
 As I sit in bed listening to JEAN MICHEL JARRE's 'Rendezvouz part 4' and write....
'I REALLY MISS SB!  BITCH.'.   (JESUS!) 

If only I could go back and shake myself. 
With music and films to pass the day and a window to stare out of, plus a girl to obsess over I guess I was well catered for. 



(this week continues later...) 

I just spent an hour writing something for you and then deleted it by accident. Balls.

I said my next project would be to pick out a week from my diaries and write about it. Well, I pulled out my diary from 1992 and it was an assault on the senses. Time meant that I had poured surreal nonsense  and yet what I thought to be profound wisdom onto every nook and cranny of that diary. There is a wealth of created pieces of paper which even creates three pages of a letter that I have written on a made up alphabet. I stumbled across the key moments later. It was pretty funny to read looking back. At the time I was tormented like most teenagers though. I was seventeen turning eighteen. Anyway I shall try and tackle it this week and post it. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again, "everything changes". You do know that time is slowly ticking by don't  you? I saw progression in someone's life today and it felt weird but I was fine about it. People have to lead their own life and pursue their own happiness. It made me know that I had done the right thing and ended up in the right place for me and my son. 
As you may gather I don't feel ready to go into it, I guess it's not MY business either. 

This evening I had our newly extended ghost team's meeting at my house and it went well and it looks like exciting times are on the cards. The house feels very relaxed after being so full of chat less than thirty minutes ago. When I am in the company of others I feel a big pull to leave that is probably not healthy. I would like to spend even more time alone than I already do which is a little worrying and yet I am on a great mood at this stage. No drink = a rational mind. 

I did a couple of pieces of writings on paranormal stuff and got some nice comments. I really enjoyed reading those. I guess that is natural. 
There is so little I care about in the world at the moment. Outside of myself and my boy. My universe really could be squeezed into a house size existence. If society packed up and went to inhabit the moon I don't think I would notice for days. 
People go on about having company etc in their partner and I have learnt that I just can't understand why anyone would want to have to consider someone else's feelings at all times. 

They say no man is an island. Well they haven't visited my island. Deliberately small and is in twenty four hour darkness so as not to be seen. No excitement is allowed and yet the one civilian it has is very content. 

I did myself proud today by getting a piece on Sleep Paralysis written quickly and posted too. I awarded myself by buying 'apple tv' which I couldn't justify a reason for needing it actually but there you go. 
I was well rested by the time I had my darling boy. Then it was straight into 'playing'mode and laughing at each other. Yesterday had been a successful one too as our ghost team managed to have a look around the old police station where we are going to host a ghost event in summer. It wasn't as overwhelming as it was last year and I think I enjoyed the setting it up this time. 
I had a pleasant two days or so to myself and my tv which was what I wanted. It feels better now that I am on top of sky recordings etc. if you mind is in order then it spreads through you. 

I intend to delve back into my diaries with a feature I call 'A week in my life ' where I pick a year and a week at random and try and conjure up what was going on that week. Something grim I would guess. 
Anyway it's all good therapy.  

The night was blowing a gale last night as my plastic canopy shook and broke. Outside now is completely calm and feels a world away. I arrived home from work and slammed in 'The Hangover-part 2' and then a very small review online. Next I read for the allotted time I had set and followed it with various mediocre tv episodes which I then deleted. 
I rang Sky to enquiry about the Terabyte box now being £49 and was told that, to me it was £150 plus £15 postage. If you are a customer of Sky then you ain't worth shit to em. 
I'd have more products if they threw me a fucking bone every now and again. 
I'm not bitter, can you tell. 

11:30pm and I am at least in bed. This drinking Pepsi instead of beer has the obvious side effect. 
But I am so much more productive and my moods have been in check. I'm so much better off having zero involvement with people. 
 
There is a plastic runner at work on a rectangle piece of carpet. It's up steps from the door though so its redundant for catching wet shoe drips on really. Now the ends roll under and it's a hazard to trip on. 
I don't understand what is so important about the floor underneath that we can let the other 95% of carpet get knackered but not this strip. Maybe it's a look I'm not up on. 
I think I will lay scraggly bits of plastic across one side of my living room floor to convince people that I have high standards. 
Weird. 

The three alarms were back waking me up on the morning but nobody sleeps well before you go back to work/school or whatever, so I was up and ready in time. A steady start at work but enough to see me through till home time. Then once home I concentrated my efforts on ghost team stuff of various natures. This year will be a successful one. My main concern is keeping on top of reviews and write ups.
I played catch up with my sky recordings and was surprised how much I enjoyed 'American Horror Story' and was surprised that I turned off 'the Bone Collector' film. 
Well, it's back to work now as usual. Early to bed ,kinda. ..bloody early to rise, that's for sure. 
I just want a quiet life. 
Let's keep it quiet. 
Three cheers for being quiet.....shhhh!

Facebook had a photo of a visit to Blackpool we went on over ten years ago. I was surprised how old my hairline looked back then. In some ways though it seems my hair line has not recently altered at all. 
Always did have a high forehead. You always know that when you look back it will become apparent that you have aged but you don't often see the way you change as it is happening. 
Good job. 
 Anyway ... Bring on the next day. 

(and make it a quiet one)

I drove through town listening to 'The Vaccines' album on my way to collect my son one last time before going back to a normal working routine. The sun shone brightly through the cold air and in between the trees surrounding the local castle. The dark shadows weaved a creepy claw across my van and yet the sun shone with a hope of warmth. The juxtaposition of the two elements put me into a storage mood. I realised that I had driven at least a mile just staring at the number plate of the vehicle in front. 
I regained my awareness of the passing scenery and concentrated on the job in hand. 
 My son keeps mentioning a mans name and I believe it's maybe my replacement, or at least a possible replacement. That is obviously understandable and absolutely fine. Yet hearing it from my son makes it feel awkward. I have known that this would be a hurdle of sorts, it's natural. 
No matter how much you don't want a person anymore, the thought of them finding someone else gives an uncomfortable feeling. 
My conscious mind has a grip on it but my Unconscious seems perturbed by it. I wish I would be told outright if this was indeed the fact. Hearing another man is around your son is cutting. But why would his mum be bothered what I felt about it? 
It's just a part of relationships and one where I have actually been the new guy myself. 
I just wish the feeling would leave. It's only day two of this year. 

It's 8:53pm on the last night of the holidays. I am drinking a Pepsi and listening to The Orb whilst I write this. My PS3 is playing the visualised on my tv showing pictures of the earth which would have come in quite useful in the days of my recreational drug taking. 
Pepsi is my most dangerous substance these days. 

The ability to 'compartmentalise' my activities is a real useful tool in my life. 
I rigidly set a timer of one hour onto my phone while I read a book. Then I allow two hours to enjoy a film. Maybe two half hour sections on a box set I'm working my way through. 
These examples have stretched too far though and it's something I need to reign in. 
I seem to have applied rigid rules to my every move and it's crippling me for no good reason. 

Let's say I eat my breakfast and I already plan to eat dinner at 12pm. 
That means if I have a snack it has to be eaten at 10am. If I have a yogurt then it has to be eaten at 2pm because I will eat my tea at a predetermined time too. 

So you see that I sometimes have to stop being so daft. 
If I'm hungry I should eat then. If I want a yogurt earlier then I should just eat it.
The problem is the feeling I feel when I have set rules and not followed them. It's ridiculous. I need to lighten up and I am trying. Spinning plates of recreation is a good way to cover all bases and utilise time the best but when it becomes all consuming, it's a bad thing. 

I can be a prisoner of myself. 

I will endeavour to be easier on myself. 



I saved a shoebox for this new year of 2012 so that I could save cinema ticket stubs and other momento's which will paint a picture of the year so that I can build up a collection of shoeboxes which itemise every year. I will write on a piece of paper inside any important results as they happen. It will be like The time capsule boxes that are popular with schools which they bury on the school grounds. 

Yeah just another thing I commit to for no really good reason. My diaries keep needing to be written. My blog seems to be still somewhere to throw any excess thought. The only thing that seems to have reduced in content is Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter. However I now post music I have made on Soundcloud which is more time consuming than the others combined. 


But all things considered I still feel EXACTLY where I want to be.