A WEEK IN MY LIFE (Part 2- Episode 2)

Monday 1st February 1993 
I had sorted my lost bank card out whilst at work and had to wait for its replacement. At the work I had also purchased a tab of LSD from a workmate. This was the drug of choice at this time for many clubbers etc. This was an experimental time of life and I was at the age of doing what I wanted but not having the ability to make good decisions. 
I had called to see my eldest brother and I had watched RED DWARF with him, which I ended up borrowing from him as well as games for my SUPER NINTENDO. This was also a day when there was a man coming to take away our pet golden Labrador 'Penny'. I wasn't close to this dog of ours. We simply shared a house. When I was given the news that she was going to be given to a home for old dogs to see out their last days I expected to feel something like sadness. But really I just patted her head and said "see ya". Let's be honest I wouldn't allow myself to feel anything. Emotions were a weakness that put you on the back foot. Even when I think back to Penny now, I don't feel much and yet she was a part of the family. At 9:42pm I had put on my headphones to drown out my two year old sisters screaming and knocking. She would bang on the wall a LOT. Since I have now had a two year old of my own , this strikes me as odd behaviour but at the time it was just my job to try and ignore it. I fell asleep with my headphones on and drifted deeply into a sleep for a while. My dreams were filled with images of characters from Clive Barkers 'The Great And Secret Show', I was Bobby Joe the Death Boy and I was gathering an army. 

Tuesday 2nd February. 1993
I had met a kooky girl through going out who was well thought of an attention seeker but on the other hand she gave me attention. I didn't find her attractive at all but the attention made me put up with her annoying personality. Anyway she turned up at my mums house in the afternoon and she had a friend in tow. It was a girl who would actually become my wife in 2006 and the one I would split up with in 2011. 
My diary said that she had seemed visibly 'against being here' and 'shy, bored or tired'. My ex told me as much, years later when she described being brought to mine by the annoying girl as if to get brownie points for knowing a lad like me. 
Such a weird thing that we ended up married. There was no spark at all between us in that fleeting visit. There was no spark between us in our marriage either.I HAVE LEARNT AN ENORMOUS LESSON FROM THIS SO IT HAS ALL BEEN WORTH IT.
I lifted my brothers dumbells for half an hour and thought that if I could do this every day or two, then in ten years I would be massive and muscly and probably irisistable to women. 
I closed the night by doing my own Tarot cards readingKK for myself. They seemed to suggest that I was going to meet a girlfriend soon and I tried to go to sleep after this news but I couldn't because my baby sister created lots of noise for two hours. (she has no memory of being like this). 
It's quite spooky reading that my wife actually was passing right in front of my eyes at this point. I however looked at everyone else in the pursuit of love. All I wanted was for someone from the future to tell me that "everything will be ok", by that I meant that I would end up with a wife and kids be happy in that scenario. 
I was mixed up at this moment. Every emotion was an uncertain one. I was feeling things for the first time and not knowing who I was. I read horror books and watched films a lot. I experimented with drugs and I should say I was really the happiest I'd been to date whilst high. But when I was sober I had a huge emptiness inside which I thought a girl would fill. I guess I expected a girl to teach me what I needed that I was missing to fill the hole. Everyone needs to feel like they are important to someone. We all need to feel like we are special to others too. My mind was occupied with twisted grotesqueries such as The Jim Rose Side-show Circus and a band called 'SHEEP ON DRUGS'. The two main parts of my character were 1/ a darkness of some kind and 2/ a desperation to be loved. 
 
(to be concluded)