The X-Vengers League

For those of you who want to be more included with my son and my playing, here is the current story as we play with our toy figures.

The Flash, leader of the Justice League, along with other JL members martian Manhunter, Superman, Batman, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman (played by an Amazonian female Wrestling figure) have teamed up with members of the Avengers. The Hulk and Thor are the prominent members who seem to join in the most (Iron Man makes an appearance if he falls out of the toy box mid search).
Recently in Waterworld (the shower with the plug in each Saturday morning) Wolverine entered through a portal along with Storm (who is ALSO played by the same Amazonian female wrestling figure), they then asked to join the superhero 'goodies'. Thus creating THE X-VENGERS LEAGUE.
The offer was accepted during a conflict with their groups nemisis team, THE ANTI JUSTICE GUILD (born out of an episode of the Justice League Tv Series).
That team includes Lex Luther, The Joker, Loki, 'Giant' The Scarecrow and the Venom brothers. Add to this a host of Power Ranger looking robots which are not Power Rangers ok Dad! ! (Played by Power Rangers toys) .
The story gets convoluted as any of the goodies get cloned into 'Baddies', controlled by the baddies at a moments notice or just turn Into symbiotic Venoms whenever Jacob sees fit.
The plot thickened at Dinosaur World (his grandmas house- compromised of Duplo bricks, two inch dinosaurs and a picnic blanket), when 8 Ben 10 toys merged with the baddies to form THE X-Vengers Justice League 10!!!
Also known as The Anti Justice Guild 10 or just the baddies.

Need to know more? This week so far..
UPCHUCK (from Ben10 who is in XV10-baddies) tricked Wolverine into coming out of the goodie base by disguising himself as a postman and putting an electric force field cage on him which then flew to the baddie base.
The same trick on Superman (the idiot) who was lured over a bucket of Kryptonite and had his cape nicked by Way Big (also Ben 10 and XV10- baddies).
Jacob and I play the last resort THE GIANTS who are from the standard setting (in my front room) known simply as BobWorld.
BobWorld is overseen by Bob The Builder who has a lookout high up (on a shelf) where he watches over BobWorld using a computer room (x box and PS3 remotes) . Bob is always the last man standing who has good in him. It is he who calls THE GIANTS which are mistakenly thought of as just being hills until Bob activates them.
What follows is a battle where GIANT the younger chooses a different side to GIANT the elder which inevitably results in me getting a full on four year old handed punch in the face or worse.

Current plans...

The day started off lovely and organised, then a female bulldozed into my world and had me testing my shield of positivity. The resolution was grounded in my not being in the wrong all along and calm was tested but restored to all involved.
This event actually falls outside of my personally set blog guidelines.
So Instead...
I have so many differing appointments and bookings to allot a time to that I'd be buggered without my iPod calendar. I could spend 48 hours just writing up the stuff I need to write alone. But there's also the feeling of achievement which it all brings. A feeling that I'm doing something to show for my time even if its just building my personal profile with people. I'm not wasting time and that's comforting.
That unmistakable tiredness seems to be returning. The same feeling that caused me to temporarily burn out at the last quarter of 2012.
So time management is key along with saying no to a few things in a row in order to hibernate.
I Intend to get five cinema films watched by my appearance on Radioactive on Tuesday night. The first one is LINCOLN tonight.
I'm in danger of not adhering to 'staying off social network sites' as much as I planned. Hopefully mentioning it here will serve as a reminder.

My son has been ill lately and he's still been Incredible to hang out with.
We are into The X Men currently, Justice League is playing second fiddle.
However we did create an amalgam. The X-Vengers League.

New show/investigation

The Tuesday morning darkness has slipped away as I write this to be replaced by a fresh drop of optimism that spring is creeping towards us.
With a coffee nearby and my printing machine running well, and the music on the radio telling me "don't go chasing waterfalls" ( I wasn't going to), I feel a sense of calm. If a goes wrong this afternoon then so be it. I will just relish this quiet hour or so.

I have been approached by a second Jam Radio DJ about doing a live show together. Six months ago I was defiantly saying I would NEVER do a live show and here I am saying 'no problem, I'd like to try something out if my comfort zone'.
I'm proud of myself. The show he wants to do involves shooting down films and music that we don't think deserve the credit they get. It's hopefully amusing to us and the audience.... I guess we'll see.
I took an immediate shine to the guy when I met him at Jam when he started and I feel comfortable in his company.

The War Of The Excrement.

Monday morning arrived as punctual as ever. The alarm blared radio 1 into my ears and there was no fucking way I was listening to Nick bastard Grimshaw! So even though I saw the clock strike 1AM last night due to caffeine intake, I jumped out of bed and greeted the day with a begrudging "I'm up!"

The snow had totally disappeared and I was once again in sync with the 'dog shit' guy who walks his dog each morning past my yard as I'm leaving for work. Dog Shit guy detours up my cul de sac each morning to avoid having to collect such canine waste as nobody can see him, or so he thinks.
My blood boils every time I see him and his dog shit machine.
As much as I visualise following him home and shitting on his welcome matt, I know I'm spineless. He also knows where I live and that I see him passing with a dog each day.
He's already won Excrement War but how?

I could always tell the streets muscled numbskull to show he was a man of action but I have already see. That he is unpredictable to others.

So I guess I have to turn a blind eye to it.
Doesn't poo actually cause blindness to others?
So it won't be that hard I guess.

Putting The 'End' in WEEKEND.

The previous nights sudden thaw had escalated over night so much that it left an almost snowless effect on West Yorkshire and in particular the area of Keighley. I drove to Jam Radio around eleven am and prepared myself to train up a new dj friend to do his own film show.
The hours clicked by and I tried to be as productive as possible. The usual people had the usual one line conversations which we always share.
"Hi Chris, are you alright?"
"Fine Thanks, how are you?"
"Ok thanks"....and repeat every week.

I was invited to a radio night out and openly and honestly declined, telling of my social awkwardness. The heights of which had made the rule to always decline such things these days.
I could go, but I've been there so many times that I've learnt from it.
I go and feel uncomfortable, leading to people asking me what's wrong....to which I reply that I'm fine. This then notifies me that my face and coldness is making them feel odd and that in turn has me feeling like I'm spreading misery. I come away feeling like I'm a freak or just miserable.
I'm neither....I just don't want to be there in all honesty.

And repeat....once again.

So I end up happy and alone at home taking care of whatever the hell I have on the go untIl I must set off to two different ghost teammates houses. Once we've discussed future investigations I return to Jam Radio to over see / produce a radio show which has problems to iron out. I sneak a plug on air for our ghost team before I arrive home once again, caffeined up and yet trying to wind down.
So its currently 11:30pm on a Sunday night.
Just one more blog entry I tell myself....then i'll lie down and rest.

Another weekend fades and the whole routine starts again.

I've been organised today though and I hope the morning will show its fruits.
The voices in my head are quiet so I'm must be doing something right.

"About Last Night"

I watched 'About Last Night' again on disc. I'd not seen it in years. I'd been a teenager actually watching it in my bedroom the last time.
The film stars a young Rob Lowe and a young Demi Moore plus James Belushi as the alpha male friend. As I sat rewatching it I saw that I'd practically out into practice some of the bad advice from the film into my real life. There was a scene about allowing your girlfriend to finally have a drawer at your place and a scene where Belushi says "never ring her the day after, wait to days, then call her". There were others and more. At 38, my relationship days are over, at my choosing. This film kinds made me happy to remember who I was when I'd watched it the first time but sad that I could now also resonate with the break up in the film. My marriage ran out if gas and the insecurities crept in and obviously the arguments followed.
I simply couldn't handle another break up. Luckily I took very little of use or enjoyment out of any relationship which I did have. God knows I wanted to feel the happiness which they did on screen but I barely rose above indifference once I had got past six months.......which wasn't often. There's something in me which wants to destroy my relationships and now I listen to that voice. As it goes, the voice was right and I'm happier than ever. But I do feel a little short changed. Ultimately movies are to blame for their glossy sheen on life.
I guess with my face and personality I was never going to find the right girl anyway. Plus age somewhat ruins whatever good points you did have until couples are all just wrinkled bags of resentment which cling in to each other as their engines run out.
Oh I don't want to live through losing a partner to death either.
It's just not my scene.

Medium Interviews

Last nights medium interview spanned five hours. I was treated to some of a girls experiences which I had no trouble in believing. Interestingly her stories contained key elements to previous medium' tales.
I think I am opening myself up to this area of psychic work by learning about it this way. The knowledge which I obtain may come in useful on our investigations with Pennine Paranormal Society.

I have had some 'mediumistic' moments whilst conducting these interviews.
I have anticipated the phone ringing mere seconds before it has and at the weekend I was getting ready to set off to jam Radio and had a feeling saying 'ring ahead as they aren't in and it's a wasted journey'
The thing is that they are always in then.
Not this time. I stood ringing the buzzer and had a voice saying " I told you so" in my thoughts.
Now this probably happens all the time and because I end up being wrong, I don't log the incident, but these few incidents had a feeling of 'knowing' which made me take note before they were proved correct and not in hindsight.

It's possibly interesting anyway. I look forward to the next one.
I have eight hours of interviews to sort through now before I can move on go the next two.

The Void 5

Dear The Void,
2013 started off ok but I broke my resolution to have NO resolutions on day one. Instead I started to drink a glass of water every day and walk far, once or more a week. What happened? Snow.
How did snow cause me to not drink water? Well one characteristic with snow is that it's fucking cold. This in turn led me to drinks that by their very nature were hot.
Lets pretend January is a part of 2012 eh?
February 1st is the start of the new year ok?
Good.

I'm trying to make me a better me. I'm still not drinking alcohol.
I'm trying to choose my social events carefully but every once In a while go somewhere I probably wouldn't usually.. and I don't mean Ikea.
For example I'm going to a small pub to see two fellow DJ's from Jam play in their respective bands. For an anti social non drinker, this will prove testing.
I've upped my reading in the hope to boost my writing or at the very least get a different form of entertainment.
I'm trying, I guess that's what I'm saying.
So can you please tell god to go easy on me.
Cheers.

This is me.....

It is so hard to look busy at work after weeks of being quiet. There's only so many times I can clean my printing press. Wipe it down, grease it up and chip all the old ink off and then you're pushing ear buds into nooks and crannies which have collected spray powder.
Now I'm stood. There's a guilty feeling but I have nothing left to do so the day drags.
Annoying my machine seems to groan and squeak more now its clean and oiled. It's as if the crap on it is what aided its use.

The snow outside has melted further today in keighley, West Yorkshire and we thought it was going for good. The forecast however predicts more in a few days time. (I've commented before that talking about the weather is an englishmans back up subject for when he's got nothing else to say. It's certainly true here).
I'm happy to report that my money spending is very low (unlike my recent blog A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1998) and it gives me a feeling of control and an overall calm.
I have a few things to occupy me this year, so if you are to be a regular reader then here's a rundown.

1/ I'm in a ghost investigation team called Pennine Paranormal Society and we have a lot of investigations booked for this year.

2/ I am on Jam Radio each Tuesday on a programme called Radioactive where I throw some film reviews into the mix as well as general cynicism.
Also I am on the 'management' at Jam Radio where I train new DJ's and try and help with the running of the station as a whole.

3/ I have started a project off my back in relation to the paranormal. I am conducting a set of interviews with psychic mediums to hopefully compile together and see what threads are shared among separate individuals.

4/ I also try and do this blog most days (on top of my diary which I've now written for nearly thirty years - I'm 38)

5/ most importantly I have a son who is currently 4. He comes before everything and is like a best friend who I play with. I would argue that without him, I would be thoroughly depressed and alcoholic. ( as it goes I'm 18 months sober).

These distractions add a creative edge to my life and a constant feeling of achievement and progression. It's better than having nothing to show for each week.
I still need to walk more on the whole but this cold weather is enough to stop me. This blog will turn three years old this year and its been an extremely useful tool for me to vent or revisit previous mistakes and try and find a 'positive' to take from it going forward.

Happiness was unheard of ten years ago. I had resigned myself to being without the chemical which caused it.
But as I've said and said on here .. I'm happy now.
I've achieved more than I expected ten fold.
I intend to keep that up by staying positive in the event of others trying to spoil it for me.

I barely recognise myself anymore and yet I would argue that this latest version of me is the truest version to date.

Radioactive

002 days have passed without annoyance....keep em coming.
The snow actually started to melt noticeably by the end of my working day. I headed to Jam Radio after my tea to do some more genre labelling in the library of music. It turned out I hadn't saved my previous two hours work so I had to start again. Then at 8pm - 10pm I was on Radioactive with the other three presenters. There was an air of excitement as the local football team won a game which meant they were going to wembley, I managed to contain my excitement.
I enjoyed doing the show and had three tracks played which was good. I need to be more coherent on the next show though. There's something that happens between brain and mouth whenever the mics are on.
I'm looking forward to spring. I did manage to walk to the co-op after work though instead of driving. Plus I'm attending a pub gig this weekend which my fellow radioactive dj's are playing at.
No doubt I won't want to once I'm there but I will make myself.

Today I had a genius idea about something I can invent to aid our ghost communication. I was so very excited about that and I ran through about ten designs over and over. I will have to read up about patents. More on that later.

A WEEK IN MY LIFE Part 4.

To conclude A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1998, I have to end on Friday 16th January 1998 due to having the content push the boundaries a little.
So fifteen years ago, as we know, I was living alone and working my way into a huge debt.
I was working my way through the book 'The Damnation Game' by Clive Barker and have read it about four times so far. I also was watching 'Vice Versa' movie from my collection of videos.
It was a historic moment on this day as my 'manager' at work handed his notice in finally.
It was like the clouds parted and the sun came out for all.

I acknowledged to my diary at 10pm that my 'depression' came down to one thing= Loneliness
I also note that I kept considering stopping drinking, but that was my only vice.
There is a mention ,often, of FATE intervening in my life but its around the corner. Looking back, FATE must have hated me. I wish I hadn't let my life be so consumed with seeking out a relationship. BUT of course, from a relationship came my wonderful son.
Basically it was like finding a speck of gold in a pile of shite.

Being alone in my house and not eating properly was a seemingly trivial issue. But I lay that as a single bad step which set the way for my downfall.
A long walk takes many small steps. My debt took many small stupid spends. My drinking problem took small cans of lager and followed them with another no matter what time of day it was.
This is all building up to much worse naturally, but we'll just have to wait until my next AWIML.

The conclusion to all this for me?
Fifteen years later I find myself living alone. I have a child who is EVERYTHING. I am over 18 months sober and meet my bills. In a way I'm back to where I was before. But this time it fits like a glove. I tired desperately to fit into the world but couldn't. I'm not like others that I know and have always been aware of that, but didn't know I should pursue a life which I constructed on my own rules.
I was afraid that I was forgotten and irrelevant at this age of mid twenties. The truth is I was still working in myself. I hadn't been unveiled yet, not even to me.

One day I would learn the good side to being alone... And that was that no other people were with you. Two sides to the same coin? More two ways of looking at the same picture.

Wind out of sails......

I've been in a tiny funk of sorts for the past few days. In order to get back on track I need to draw a line and start again. So when I click post on this blog entry, that's the clean slate.
Snow still wants to spoil our days at the moment but my area has been pretty unaffected.
I haven't gone for a proper walk for a week or more. Drinking water has suffered because I want hot drinks.
But I have started the day well enough by itemising what I'm doing today and doing them one after the other. Ticking off items from a checklist makes me calm.
I need to complete the latest A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1998, so ill tackle that today.
Oh and I am now back on a Jam Radio show. Radioactive on a Tuesday night for two hours is where I'll be a forth member. I will deliver film chatter amongst other bits.
It keeps me social and creating.

Maintain your equilibrium

After a day of attempts on my positive mood, I managed to keep the blues at bay by allowing the comments to remain unchallenged by me. This was vital to let the possible flames burn themselves out.
I even made a journey to a place (jam radio) which was closed because I ignored the forethought to ring ahead.
But I shrugged it off. 'Roll with the punches Whitehouse'
The snow continues to try and yet is still only 5% of the predicted hell which was wrongly , as always predicted. Yes it has snowed but it hasn't inconvenienced me at all.
I sit outside my sons school on a Friday afternoon and await my day to be lit up by my offspring. All is well from here as we wi hibernate once at mine.
I love an excuse not to go anywhere.
I am unable to address any shit which happened in the last 24 hours as I cannot change a thing about what has past.
Positive outlook.
Remain invisible.
Live happily.

A sleepy post.

The ghost team met in Bingley last night for our first 'taster' night for staff who work at the Old White Horse. It is a much larger location than it seems from the pub Interior. We had good activity on the most part and its nice to have newbies remind you how mind losing it can be, life hanging even depending on your out look before.
A late night meant I didn't sleep soundly as I hadn't wound down properly.

The snow had not got any worse by the time I was up for work the following morning. I think tiredness will hit me tonight as I play with my boy.
Not much to say for myself actually, I kinda wish I hadn't started writing this entry.

I must be tired.

5,500 page views.

Yes thats right. 5,500 page views to date. 700 blog entries and growing since this started. All of this from having nothing of interest to say. I thank each reader for having a glimpse at my solipsistic nature over the two and a half years of doing this. I'm enjoying a second wind of enthusiasm for it. Chris Whitehouse.

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1998. Part 3.

12th January 1998. Monday.
It was a full moon. So I probably felt odd, more reflective than usual. I had noticed a correspondence in the early nineties that around full moons I was overcome with strange moods. I then realised a pattern had emerged. To be honest, looking back, there was probably nothing more to it if I analysed it fairly, I was mostly in a funny mood all the time.

The dreamy mood had inspired me to put pen to paper and write to an ex girlfriend called 'LM' (for the sake of privacy). I have no recollection or record of what I wrote, but I know that it would be written with a plea for attention hidden in its words (but not wanting to have her back), and a hope that she still had feelings for me.

13th January 1998. Tuesday.
I sat listening to The Orb music wondering how I was going to afford to go to Manchester for my friends birthday. More importantly, who I was going to borrow money off. I had a lot of time whilst living alone to write and reflect on where I was heading and what will have become of me. But most of it was spent looking back.(Erm hello!, I still do that)

As you can see my diary entires show little happened of significants on these next days, so ill move on to...

14th January 1998. Wednesday.

At 9:12 pm I write that I am 'In bed already' due to falling asleep on the sofa watching tv. I have made notes in my diary about my finances and how I am better off on the next pay day, even though its two weeks away. I also note that I "dreamt of 'Dark haired Nicola' last night"
Girls even taunted me in my dreams.

Here is my diary entry for the most part.....

*********************************************************************************************
'TIME GOES FAST.
I HAVEN'T DONE MY LIFE STORY FOR A FEW MONTHS. IT'S NOT AS THOUGH I'VE BEEN BUSY OR ANYTHING.
I NEED TO READ MORE, WRITE MORE AND DRAW MORE. ALSO I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHING FILMS.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, THE WORLD IS STILL TURNING AROUND US.
9:20pm I WONDER WHAT THE WHALES ARE UP TO IN THE OCEAN RIGHT NOW.

ONCE UPON A TIME MY DIARIES WERE FULL OF THOUGHT PICTURES.
MY MIND WOULD BE SPREAD OUT ON A PAGE. MY BOSS MENTIONED ME BEING FOREMAN IN 5 YEARS TIME WHEN WE HAVE A FEW YOUNG LADS WORKING FOR US. ILL BE BLOODY 29 THEN.

9:24pm I HAVE NO MONEY TO SQUANDER ANYMORE.
I HAVEN'T EVEN IRONED FOR OVER THREE WEEKS.
I FEEL I'M AT THE TURNING POINT OF LIFE WHERE I STILL THINK THAT ONE DAY I'LL MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF AND YET I MAY ACTUALLY (in truth) BE GOING PASSED THAT MOMENT AND NEVER RESULT IN BEING ANYTHING SPECIAL.
JUST ANOTHER STATISTIC.

9:24pm YOU SEE TIME IS TICKING AWAY.

9:29pm WHAT DO I COME DOWN TO?

I AM NOBODY.

I LOVE ME.
*********************************************************************************************

ok so there you go. My money spending was getting on top of me because my priority was meeting the girl of my dreams, which in turn would cause me to spend more money.
But if I stayed in alone, I felt like I was invisible and insignificant. I was running out of time to get my life on track.
I believed that a person who I loved would be the answer to all my prayers.
I needed someone to tell me NO where spending was concerned and perhaps reduce my anxiety about my existence.
It kind of makes me sad to read from this era, to hear myself seem to be getting so desperate and lonely. But in the grand scheme of things, I was stood on the top of a precipice of loneliness and I was about to start a steady fall through the next few years to the darkest time of my life.

To be concluded......

Diesel mishap

I went to the petrol station for the natural reason and parked too close to the pump which made me have to get out ungracefully. I pretended it was fine as you do. I saw that the hose and the cap were actually at the furthest distance possible too but still managed to get it in the van hole. I squeezed the trigger to dispense the fluid and felt the vibration of it filling up.
I took a glance at the readout to see for certain that I was filling the van up and couldn't see the readout without releasing the trigger and moving, so that would prove pointless. Luckily I was filling it up anyway so I would only have to wait for it to click.
I stood staring into middle distance as if to show that I was actually perfectly positioned for this activity. I waited and waited as other cars pulled up to do their fuel too. It seemed to be going on for too long. "But I can feel the vibration" I thought.
After too long I noticed a sound of rushing liquid and heard dripping too as the van was oozing fuel out of the petrol cap hole and onto the forecourt.
The words I'd read many times echoed immediately in my head "PLEASE REPORT ANY SPILLAGES, NO MATTER HOW SMALL"
I knew I wouldn't as I checked to see if the cashier could see my little accident. He couldn't thanks to my crap parking. Phew.
So I paid and didn't mention it. I justified it to myself by thinking that they only seemed interested in small SPILLAGES. They probably didn't want bothering about big ones. So next time I fill, I'm going to be nervous and park better first.

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1998 Part 2

We remain in 1998.
Saturday 10th January 1998 in fact.
It's 10 am and I have just got up. I woke up in good spirits as it was a Saturday, which meant I had my routine of going to the pub alone at lunchtime. The local pub/club was called 101 (for a reason unknown to me but as a guess I'd say it was its address) had its lunchtime offer on of a pint of lager or bitter for £1. This was a bargain in 1998 but subsequently a pint in 2013 is closer to £3 and maybe more (I've not drank alcohol for 18 months). So I'd buy a newspaper for 30p and have maybe three pints whilst writing in my 'thought bubbles' book where I waxed lyrical about my life ( a precursor to this blog, before blogs existed) and then went around the corner to take advantage of the fish and chips lunchtime offer of fish and Chips for £1.
I bought fish and chips as a treat for my birthday in mid 2012 and was horrified to be charged £4. The memories of this routine came flooding back.
But this day in 1998 I was joined by the same close friend who had visited me the night before and he had brought his new love. This small crowd would actually grow over the next six months as I continued my routine (a routine which probably played into my alcohol/financial downfall).
My diary tells me that I took the unusual step on this day of not heading home after my cheap dinner but going to a Keighley pub called The Royal Oak on my way home. No doubt my slightly alcohol dulled brain had told me I may meet the love of my life by some odd twist of fate. Still Smelling of lager and fish and chips of course, this now seems unlikely. Wouldn't my equivilant be sat alone and also drinking at 3pm? Would she be the love of my life? Doubtful.
The notion is redundant anyway as it was just men.
My afternoon was used mainly on sleeping on the couch after watching tv.

8pm. I walked onto the main road and got a taxi (another classic waste of my money, although I had arguably saved money on my beer and dinner) and went to a pub called The Druids (at Long Lee) to meet some friend from over there. We all joined up and ventured into town again via a taxi no doubt. So I topped up my alcohol intake and ended up at midnight where I had also spent my lunch but this time it was full of evening revellers.
It was the same faces mostly. Then I bumped into my ex, G, and her friend.
To cut a long story short I was doing what many many people fall into the trap of, I slept with me ex.
My diary also notes that

"NICOLA 'DARK HAIRED CHICK' TOLD ME SHE WAS SINGLE"

I have to rack my brains about who this was. Whoever it was ( and I think I now remember) it never amounted to anything. She was probably just an 'option' in my head, even if not in hers.

I was always far too wrapped up in girls and hoped for love. I would try to find someone new each time I went out and if I failed which I mostly did, I would make do with anything....and in mean anything. In many ways my ex's were the cream of the make do crop.
I pity myself looking back from 2013.


Sunday 11th January 1998

Naturally I awoke and had my ex with me. I sobbed about and so did she. I watched tv and so did she. It was obvious that until I made her leave in some way, she wouldn't. Didn't she understand that I had finished with her however long ago and I had finished with last nights need for her too. (I hate myself from 2013 but write as the old me)
It was 4pm by the time she left. It turned out that she had been dumped by her latest boyfriend too. That explained why she had ended up with me again. She deserved better than me looking back. I've covered my story with her in previous writings probably. But I don't think I have said this next bit. In 2011/2012 sort of time, she requested me as a friend on Facebook and is still currently on my list. I actually joined her as a Facebook friend and wrote her an apology for being a dick. I hoped that she wouldn't judge the me in 2011 as being the one from the 90's. she agreed that a lot of time had passed.
This was the second ex girlfriend who I wrote an apology to and I feel better in some small way for doing so. But I can't undo the choices I made.

Back to 1998.....
I believe my ex made it clear that she was still interested in me and I liked the idea but wasn't up for it. I relaxed for the rest of the day alone enjoying a nice long bath and a shave. I write in my diary that I am should shave every day really because my stubble was persistent. I noted that I wasn't getting paid for three weeks and I didn't have the food supply to last until then.

At this stage I was spending on drinking in the hole of meeting someone to change my life for the better. I knew one day I would have to address paying it back. But it was a faint voice and one which two pints in the morning would quietened entirely for the rest of the day.
I was sinking into debt ....and I just couldn't see it. ( because I was looking the other way)

To be continued....

Wednesday, and all is well.

Well Happy 18 months off alcohol to me. Today has been quite a busy one chitter chattering with a few people over the Internet. I spoke with two different psychic mediums regarding my interviews and that may have lit a fire under the whole project. I also had an ex of mine tell me that she is going through a separation which is never nice. This is the second person this week to tell me that news. They are miserable about it but I feel like I'm assembling an army of ever growing singletons who a think "do you know what? Why bother!"
Getting married is so last season. Happiness is in pleasing yourself (insert your own jokes).
I am already spinning a few plates but I feel I have full control at this early stage. I guess I've been more visible online today which goes against my decision to lay low, but I justify each posting I made. Random shit never got posted.
The temperature dropped today and its reminded us all that its technically winter still.
I feel better than ever which pains me to say for some strange reason. When I moan I think people think "Cheer up" and when I go on about how happy I am I think people will get sick of hearing it.

The daylight has turned to twilight as I sit waiting to collect my son from school. I know my evening will be blessed by his presence.
He's the most amazing thing. He's like a supernova which radiates warmth on me forever.

I'll try tackle more A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1998 tomorrow.

A WEEK IN MY LIFE 1998 Part 1

Today is January 8th 2012. But for newcomers to my blog perhaps I should explain what I do in this segment. Basically 'a week in my life' is a chance for me to open up one of my old diaries and take a look at my life on the same date (or there abouts) and see what can be learnt about myself through looking back and maybe also show my mistakes in the hope that you may learn something through me so that you may avoid similar missteps.

So picture if you will, England 1998. If we zoom into Yorkshire, the area of Keighley in particular, we will see a 23 year old male who lives alone. (If you want to know what preceded this then search for A WEEK IN MY LIFE in my blog entries search).
I worked then where I work still, at a printers in Keighley. When I was at home I would listen to music and watch loads of films and tv programmes mostly. Being 23 I was interested in females and had not had a relationship which I considered to be substantial. I was desperatly lonely actually. I longed to meet the girl of my dreams and be married and happy just like in the films I watched. The previous year I had finished with my latest girlfriend in a seemingly long line of scraps of relationships which amounted to nothing. I had weights and exercise equipment in my cellar which I used for half an hour a day. It never really made much if a difference if I'm totally honest. But I was one of those desperate pricks who thought all woman went for a man that I wasn't ever going to be. I am fairly short in height and small bodied unlike the muscled men that I concluded generally got the girl.
My diary entry at this time may paint a good picture of my head space.
"TODAY WHILE GATHERING MY THOUGHTS, I BROUGHT A BIT OF PEACE TO MY MIND. A SORT OF REALISATION THAT ALL MY PROBLEMS ARE JUST LONLINESS, PLAIN AMD SIMPLE"
When I also mention that I was drinking heavily and listening to a lot of Radiohead, I guess you will understand what I was like to be around. To be fair to myself, I had thought that I would be married by 25 and so the realisation that I was not going to make good on that wish was dawning on me. My wrists had swelled up at work from what I gathered to be lifting dumbbells plus working over hour after hour collating NCR pads for work.
After putting all these overtime hours in, the tiredness finally made me slip. My boss and long since gone home which I was fine with even though you shouldn't really be alone in case you got trapped in the machine. But what fuckwit would do that?
That was when I fell off the machine. I don't know what happened exactly but I misjudged my machine walkway and ended up smacking onto the concrete. The contact was lime a body slap. I laid there for maybe thirty seconds wondering if I'd broken anything. I hadn't , but I was a little shocked by it.
Luckily for me my boss actually turned up at 10 Pm and had bought me fish and Chips as an extra thank you for staying so late. (That's very cool)
It was after midnight when I finally climbed into my bed and wrote my diary.


Friday January 9th 1998.
According to my dairy I usually finished at lunch but I worked late again until 5:30pm. (Bloody raking it in!!) My close friend arrived at mine and we chatted about his relationship and how he and her were right for each other. I was very happy for him. I thought it was much more important for him to find someone special as he had less confidence than I did. If he was sorted then I felt better on his behalf. (He ended up married to her with kids and I'm happy to report that he is still married and has three children)
I noted to my diary that I was 'envious' of him. I then made it clear to my diary that I meant I was envious of him finding someone and I didn't mean I wanted to be with his girl!. Just to be clear.
I went to bed at 1:30AM I noted. I'm surprised I was still awake.
The weekend would start tomorrow and alcohol would usually lead to trouble.

To be continued...

Coming soon.. A week in my life 1998.

I think it's time we look into this same week but the one in 1998. I've lost count of how many of these I've written but if you search my blog entries under A WEEK IN MY LIFE, that's a good place to start.

Hair Wars 2013- Return of the Forehead.

Equal attractiveness/food ratios

God says that All Men Are Created Equal. I would argue that they aren't.
Tom Cruise for example has been graced with a more anatomically pleasing face and hairline even at his age, than I have ever had.
If we were all equal then we would all be equally attractive.
We all have to deal with what we are blessed with.

If I've learnt one thing while on this earth it's that it is YOUR job to make YOU happy. If other people bring you happiness along the way then that's a bonus. I spent over a quarter of my life hoping to meet THE person who would be the answer to some, if not all of my problems. I fucked up basically and I cant get that time back.
Happiness came however. It took time too. I basically had to give up the search for happiness in the end and in doing so discovered I had been sitting on it all along.
It was in me. I just had to think what made me happy and do it alone.
I always said that even watching the sun come up with a special someone would be amazing in my head, but in reality that person may not quite get the same feelings from it. In my ACTUAL experience, my partner would have most probably call me 'wet' for appreciating it.

My lunch today at work was Cornish pasty and Bob the builder spaghetti shapes. The spaghetti was curled into nice bite size portions which could be easily hooked onto my fork as I ate. Not like straight spaghetti which whips into your eyes as you suck it between your lips covering your face in orange sauce until you look like a flight attendant (orange).
I find the small tins of spaghetti shapes are just right for the wet portion of a meal too. I like to use the 2 to 1 ratio when eating a meal. Two dry ones to one wet. For example, fish, chips (dry) and mushy peas (wet, kind of).
Sausage, mash and beans-the same idea.
As Harry Hill used to say , "you've got to have a system haven't you"

Excersise while dead.

No heart beat.

After playing Black Ops 2 until 1:15 AM just so that I could prestige for the first time, I started Sunday at 8AM by sitting up on bed. I reached for the iPad and watched the final episode of Saxondale on Netflix. Finishing a series is quite exhilarating in the time of box set watching.
I then read a few chapters of a book called 'Rachel's Story' which I got free from iTunes.
I had myself a hot shower and questioned my next intentions out loud. "A walk? A fucking walk, that is what you have planned at ten AM on a Sunday morning?"
Well...yes.
I plugged in my ipod earphones and listened to a podcast and set my pedometer app going. I walked around to the local co-of before heading up a slowly climbing hill. After fifteen minutes my heart and breathing had risen. I stopped and looked at the time, then turned and stated to walk down again. I entered the co-op and bought veg, salad and even a baguette. Once I had returned home I couldn't wait to tuck into that baguette. It was washed down with a refreshing glass of water. Where exactly has this fresher me come from?
Due to my 'get up and go' I vacuumed and polished the van and then drove into town to the drive through car wash. The sun even broke through the clouds and gave the day a feeling like the sun was shining just for me. I drove to a friends house with my window down.
He was full of cold and the slickly illness in the air was something he agreed I shouldn't linger in.
We and a quick exchange of ideas about this years planned trip together (see New Horizons entry) and it seemed that we were on the same page at least.
The afternoon had landed by this time and I looked at my checklist for other activities to do briefly. Play RESISTANCE 3 on PS3, listen and dictate medium interview, Black Ops 2 and watch some Sky recordings.
The day took in bonus glasses of water and a nice surprise when I checked the pedometer app. I had walked exactly one mile this morning. One mile which I could've not bothered doing but I'm so glad I had. I saw the dog walkers and the joggers and felt some connection with them. Strangely the exercise boosts you rather than tires you in the long run.
As I rested though I felt my heartbeat to feel my son knocking inside me but I felt nothing.
No heart beat? I felt again ...nothing. Was I now so relaxed that my heat beat was barely beating.
Or was I, in the style of the Sixth Sense...a ghost?
Maybe the joke was on me and I am indeed already dead. Like in some episode of The Twilight Zone maybe. It didn't stop me watching a film or two anyway.

A regular sober Saturday...

After an hour of cuddling my son as he coughed continually as four am, he joined me in my bed as the cough medicine started to take effect. Much like when you count the gap between the flash of lightening and the sound of thunder, I too counted the slowly expanding time between coughs that he did as the medicine took hold. This hour awake through the night was placated by the time from 8:30 am till 11:15 am as we laid in bed watching 7episodes of Power Rangers Jungle Fury on Netflix. We had resigned not to go on another walk today due to his ailments.
After this quiet Saturday morning and afternoon I took him home. I had told him months ago that if I was a ghost in his brain when I wasn't with him. Also if he felt where his heart was and felt a bumping, then that was my ghost knocking from the inside t say I was always with him, even when I physically wasn't. Today he actually mirrored that sentiment back at me as I drove him home. It actually had more of a profound effect on me that way round. I drove off under the influence of the notion and felt really comforted by the thought.
So I sat in the cinema and watched Texas Chainsaw 3-D and then Jack Reacher, contented.
Jack Reacher made me think of my trying to be invisible to society and blending into a crowd. Tom Cruise's tough body also had me thinking of the gym I used to go to and how much I loved it. But then I also loved leaving it and wondering what I went for or rather who I went to impress exactly. Being toned etc is a life style choice and requires devotion. But at the end if the day , I could perhaps tone my body a little but it wouldn't make me taller or better looking or even be a better person. I considered briefly, the thought of joining the gym to just run on the treadmill again, but soon realised the thought that always occupied my mind when on a treadmill. "Surely I could just run outside and save the money".
So I will just walk as I first planned.
If I reduce my sugar intake slightly and walk ...at all!!!, then I will have improved myself , and that's all I want. Hey, if I did ten press ups or sit ups a day only , then that would be a massive total more than last year. But as I say, to actually see an improvement, you have to be devoted and I don't see the point for me.
I went to Asda as it closed at 10PM unfortunately. I was turned away at the door. I pulled up outside my home and walked down the two hundred foot walk over the bridge to the postbox and posted my LOVEFILM disc with the thought that I was sober and awake. It felt great to think that many were drunk or drugged and fit for not much, but I was still able to tackle anything.
I enjoyed the quiet streets and considered briefly going for a long walk. But then I pictured myself meeting a drunk or a mugger and having the regrets of not going home to deal with.

So I sit and write this blog just before I round off my evening with Black Ops 2. Finally I will prestige for the first time.

The Walk.

The short first week back at work went quickly as I perused a catalogue from CLAS OHLSON. It's a place in a similar vain to IKEA but with better odd things such as electronic adapters and an apple corer which resembles a medieval torture device. I never knew there was so much stuff that I desired to own. The solar powered mobile charger seemed like a good idea for one thing. It's a catalogue which has you scouring each page in order to see something creative and functional and above all cool.
On my way home I had to call at an accountancy firm where I took the lift rather than the stairs. There was a sign which said that on a Thursday, skeleton staff were working till 7pm. "That would be pretty cool around Halloween" I said to nobody.
I collected my son from holiday club in the IT room at school where he was surrounded by Apple Mac computers and a 60" plasma tv to die for.
I was surprised to have my son agree for the first time to go for a walk. I think his Avengers Wellies had something to do with his decision. So we set off along the Canal banks which I live near and yet have only been on once. I had a vague memory that there is a bridge to turn right at eventually and you basically walk in a circle. It was far and I asked him of he just wanted to turn around after fifteen minutes and go back. He said NO to begin with but a few minutes later said YES I DO WANT TO TURN BACK NOW. But it was then that I saw the bridge up ahead. I said that we were only a moment from the planned Halfway point anyway and should continue. He agreed.
He then took another right of passage and urinated outside against a tree. Ah that takes me back to being a kid and playing out in the fields. There's nothing quite like seeing outside with nature...as long as its not on an electric fence!

We completed the whole circuit and I was very proud if him. He is half my size and had walked a distance that even I felt and I stand on my legs for nine hours a day at work so my legs are pretty good at walking. But his youthful energy and appetite for exploring made him keep up with me step for step.

So we both got exercise and enjoyed the outdoors as we walked and talked. This will hopefully be repeated. I was full of myself for having done one walk successfully, so I bought two new Apps for my ipod. One was a step counter and the other a walk recorder which told you how many calories you burnt etc. One fucking walk on the flat ground and I thought I was Ranolph fucking Fiennes.

Bucket list.

The morning school run was not as mad a dash as usual, due to there being no school traffic. My son was going to holiday club only. Going to school when everyone else is still 'off school' seems shit, but he has friends who go and I remember doing a club once or twice as a youngster.
There's nothing I can change about that anyway.

The darkness outside had fully arrived by the time I finished work. Yet each day has a few minutes of sunlight more as it recedes slowly to spring/summer. I want to make the best of the light and dry weather this year.

I dug out a glovebox atlas of the UK today as my mate and I both expressed an Interest in Edinburgh this year. With our combined promise of getting each other off somewhere as part of a 'singles club who are lazy', I think Edinburgh will be a good start. Comedian Dave Gorman met all the other Dave Gormans's in England and Tony Hawk hitchhiked around Ireland with a fridge but I wondered if my mate and I could visit all the dot places in the back of my UK atlas... Aberdeen through Wick. It would take many separate journeys however but if I wrote about each trip it would be good to look back on when completed.
It dawned on me that my son and I could (even should) be doing something similar with our Friday nights to Saturday afternoons. Maybe when he is a little older. Although I did express to him a desire to walk the spiritual mountain path in Spain which is called ...erm... Campino de Santiago or summat. I think doing that is the only thing on my bucket list (well, that and buy a bucket).

First day of work.

The first day back as work was a breeze even though I actually had to stay back nearly half an hour to finish a job. I should point out that doing that is zero hardship on me but when I have to collect my son ASAP then it gets me a little stressed but I knew that ultimately I would get him in time. I stayed in control mentally today as my sons mum said I actually wouldn't see him tonight as planned and then called again later to ask if I could have him as usual you see. I told myself it was all about rolling with the punches so to speak. Adapt to survive was another phrase that went through my head as I totally oversimplified what turned out to be just me having to do what I thought I was doing in the first place!
My boy is in bed half an hour early because his mum told me he was shattered after seeing me. She said he went to bed at 8:30pm at the latest. I was shocked actually. I was instructed to try and make him think it was closer to bedtime at an earlier point and I have to say it worked tonight. As much as he and I thought there would be no way he would sleep at 8:45pm, he totally did.
I myself have had to tell myself that I need to be in bed for 10:30 perhaps more often and not midnight. Well see if it actually makes me feel noticeably better.

I spent today (Wednesday), not being sure of what day it was and found it weird writing the date ...3/1/13. That always feels odd writing for the first time. Other than that its business as usual. Im Laying low though so others don't know what I'm doing. (Admittedly nothing interesting)

Day one....again.

The first day of 2013. My slate is clean. I can only look forward to the next 364 days and hope they keep me happy. I bought my three diaries which structure each year throughout.
So now as the sun descends on the day towards four pm, I sit watching my first film of the year, IN BRUGES. I have all my work things laid out in good time so that it doesn't feel like a bad thing later as my holiday comes to an end and the only thing left is to prepare for work.
So now I have hours of cramming in holiday relaxation and straight to bed before the welcome return of the routine. I'm so very lucky to like my job which allows me time to think, write and even read throughout.
I started the day with a glass of water which I hope to turn into a routine too, but lets not make to a fucking 'resolution', ok?
Christmas had moments when I was surrounded with alcohol or with people consuming it. I looked at the liquid fun and imagined drinking every person's drink which they held.
The feeling shite memory has faded but luckily the knowledge that I hate hangovers still lingers. Maybe my path will cross with alcohol one day in the future ( and so also self destruction) but not yet.
I'm controlling my actions even tighter than ever this year. I will be a ghost locked away in an empty castle and only I will know my comings and goings.
Solitude will be a closer ally. I will continue to blog and so you are one of the few who will have access to what the solitude leads to. Think of it as an experiment in the benefits of keeping others away. On the flip side I hope to do at least on travel weekend with my friend which I pray will put something new in to my brain and may lead to further evolution for my soul.