12th January 1998. Monday.
It was a full moon. So I probably felt odd, more reflective than usual. I had noticed a correspondence in the early nineties that around full moons I was overcome with strange moods. I then realised a pattern had emerged. To be honest, looking back, there was probably nothing more to it if I analysed it fairly, I was mostly in a funny mood all the time.
The dreamy mood had inspired me to put pen to paper and write to an ex girlfriend called 'LM' (for the sake of privacy). I have no recollection or record of what I wrote, but I know that it would be written with a plea for attention hidden in its words (but not wanting to have her back), and a hope that she still had feelings for me.
13th January 1998. Tuesday.
I sat listening to The Orb music wondering how I was going to afford to go to Manchester for my friends birthday. More importantly, who I was going to borrow money off. I had a lot of time whilst living alone to write and reflect on where I was heading and what will have become of me. But most of it was spent looking back.(Erm hello!, I still do that)
As you can see my diary entires show little happened of significants on these next days, so ill move on to...
14th January 1998. Wednesday.
At 9:12 pm I write that I am 'In bed already' due to falling asleep on the sofa watching tv. I have made notes in my diary about my finances and how I am better off on the next pay day, even though its two weeks away. I also note that I "dreamt of 'Dark haired Nicola' last night"
Girls even taunted me in my dreams.
Here is my diary entry for the most part.....
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'TIME GOES FAST.
I HAVEN'T DONE MY LIFE STORY FOR A FEW MONTHS. IT'S NOT AS THOUGH I'VE BEEN BUSY OR ANYTHING.
I NEED TO READ MORE, WRITE MORE AND DRAW MORE. ALSO I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHING FILMS.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, THE WORLD IS STILL TURNING AROUND US.
9:20pm I WONDER WHAT THE WHALES ARE UP TO IN THE OCEAN RIGHT NOW.
ONCE UPON A TIME MY DIARIES WERE FULL OF THOUGHT PICTURES.
MY MIND WOULD BE SPREAD OUT ON A PAGE. MY BOSS MENTIONED ME BEING FOREMAN IN 5 YEARS TIME WHEN WE HAVE A FEW YOUNG LADS WORKING FOR US. ILL BE BLOODY 29 THEN.
9:24pm I HAVE NO MONEY TO SQUANDER ANYMORE.
I HAVEN'T EVEN IRONED FOR OVER THREE WEEKS.
I FEEL I'M AT THE TURNING POINT OF LIFE WHERE I STILL THINK THAT ONE DAY I'LL MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF AND YET I MAY ACTUALLY (in truth) BE GOING PASSED THAT MOMENT AND NEVER RESULT IN BEING ANYTHING SPECIAL.
JUST ANOTHER STATISTIC.
9:24pm YOU SEE TIME IS TICKING AWAY.
9:29pm WHAT DO I COME DOWN TO?
I AM NOBODY.
I LOVE ME.
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ok so there you go. My money spending was getting on top of me because my priority was meeting the girl of my dreams, which in turn would cause me to spend more money.
But if I stayed in alone, I felt like I was invisible and insignificant. I was running out of time to get my life on track.
I believed that a person who I loved would be the answer to all my prayers.
I needed someone to tell me NO where spending was concerned and perhaps reduce my anxiety about my existence.
It kind of makes me sad to read from this era, to hear myself seem to be getting so desperate and lonely. But in the grand scheme of things, I was stood on the top of a precipice of loneliness and I was about to start a steady fall through the next few years to the darkest time of my life.
To be concluded......
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