Had a great few hours with my son. He was in a really happy mood again. I actually get teary on the days that I have him just two hours or so. It's those brief visits that I feel the tight hold I want to have on him pull on my heart. When I have him longer I feel fine. I look forward to him staying over nights at mine. 
Surprisingly my ex has said she wants him to sleep over one time whilst I'm still at my mums. At least it's her that has changed the rules on him not staying over here, there and everywhere. 
I helped rip up some carpets in preparation for the new ones coming on Wednesday. It was the first thing I've been able to do in thanks for living there. Underneath the layer of carpet was a layer of sand, probably purely the hessian reduced to dust. But either way there had been a makeshift beach beneath my feet as I had sat watching tv in mums back room.  A little desert oasis, a world away from my marriage. Now I drift on stranger tides, soon to be lost amongst the storms of my broken mind. I will drift over the next few years and sail deep into my mind to try figure out where I am trying to get. This blog will be my message in a bottle, just don't confuse the ones filled with a message with the ones filled with piss. 

Today i started to watch the very first episode of Life On Mars which i borrowed and really enjoyed it. Then i set off to Haworth to visit 'Spooks'.
I've visited this shop for as long as I can remember to buy ghost related books etc. I was on the lookout for a Medium to join my paranormal group and I was hopeful that this was the right place to start. I was wrong as the manb told me that the mediums were only intersted in taking people's money (Ok i am paraphrasing). I came away disappointed though whilst the queue to book for a tarot reading appointment stacked up at £20 a go. Easy money. Its so easy to pretend to do this kind of thing that it makes a mockery of the whole thing and gives the none believers more ammo.
Even i don't take on board much of what mediums say necessarily, i am interested in what happens beneath my fingers that i can test at the time.
I have know set mt sites on Keighley Spiritualists Church and there open night of Mediumship which they do twice a month. I have actually been before about ten years ago. Maybe this direction will point me towards more like minded people.
I then watched a film called 'Exit through the gift shop' about Banksy the street artist and Thierry Guetta. I was inspired by the obsessive nature of these people. I feel I am growing ever more obsessive with my mini writings such as my Blog and my Film review site plus my Otherworld Investigations site.All of this on top of my actual diaries, my life story and my small book of progress about my son. Oh christ and my story which i am also working on. I have racked up three watercolour paintings which i am reasonable happy with too. So yes i can understand the passion of these creative types. I want to leave this planet with a body of work traceable for others to find. None of it is of high value i admit but its something i created nevertheless.
So having updated all todays scrawlings i will either doodle in my drawing book or watch episode 3 of life on mars.

I've brought my son to Silsden to feed the ducks but at the moment he is asleep in the van next to me. We are in the co-op car park in Silsden. I'll let him have another twenty minutes. 
It seems very peaceful over here, I like it a lot. It is going to be good being so far away from everyone. 

I was round at my brothers for drinks with family. It was nice to be there as just me and my boy actually and not weird. Afterwards I returned home to find a message on Facebook saying my sister and I had got private places on a WYPG ghost investigation that the public were not invited on. It seems my being friendly with the right people had paid off. I rang my sister and she was excited. 

I now have my new phone. It's one of those HTC Wildfire's that are quite popular (cheap). I am underwhelmed by the resolution as I'm used to playing on iPod touch which is a gorgeous image. Don't get me wrong, it's better than my old phone but I'd been led to believe it was a good Internet. Anyway there's time to grow to love it yet. At the moment my mind is full of laptops and iPads. I need a laptop primarily but desire an iPad more. I refuse to get into debt worries over it though. This iPod gets me buy as good as I need. 
I'm looking forward to my day with my son. It was good to have him for a few hours yesterday too. Fingers crossed there's two weeks left until I live in Silsden. I enjoyed my evening yesterday with my xbox 360 returned to me. I played Fable 3 for about four hours until tiredness flooded my senses. I hope to have a good weekend. 

Well today snowballed into a great day. 
It was a steady day at work and then I went delivering at lunch.
My mum said that she had bought me a new loaf so I didn't need to. I rang about my phone contract ending and I have a new phone coming tomorrow with free 3G. I get home and my washing basket has emptied itself and the clothes are folded on my bed. The biscuit tin and crisp stash has been replenished suddenly. Its practically sunny outside.
I'm going to watch a film tonight at my mates. 
I mean I am a moaned as you know by now but Christ, if this is not just a fantastic moment then I don't know what is.
My break up was factored into the time of year I must admit. There's the obvious connection with rebirth and springtime. When those first fresh days of sun start in the year everyone is optimistic again and people open their windows to let some crisp air in. This weekend my mum and step dad are away briefly so I can enjoy FABLE 3 amongst other things for hours. 
Expect blissful blogs over the next few days. 
Well... Fingers crossed.

The description in my last Blog made it sound as though i was grey haired and completely fucked looking. That's not true. It's more about what I see when I look in the mirror.

I had a thought process today that involved seeing all the human population wearing a slowly rotting meat carcass suit. We carry around this ever degrading body until it sags and droops and dis colours. It's pretty revolting actually. I'm 36 and I look at my wrinkles and saggy cheeks and grey hair thinking that I already carry a body that's too far gone to be attractive. Then as I look at overweight people and the elderly I see that they must worry more than I. But this is our destiny, not to bloom into a butterfly but to have the flesh fall off our body in horrid fashion. It put me off my dinner to be honest. 

Also today I heard a comment on radio two of a caller ringing in to mention just how funny the 'simples' adverts were. I was amazed at  the success of a fucking Meerkat in a suit saying fucking "Simples'. Is this really the epitome of comedy? Added to that a fat bloke opera singing "Go Compere" What the fucking fuck is so funny about that? The only people who find this utter shite funny is 'Simplestons'. 

Today brought various levels of emotions, firstly starting with tiredness and a struggle to feed some paper through my printing machine at work, which I walked away from. I picked up my son and he was in a bright and happy mood. He ate his tea well and his pudding. Our game was interrupted by my ex ringing to say firstly that she needed a word later and secondly that she requested my son be returned early as she hadn't seen much of him this weekend. My son said he didn't want to go and see mummy until I offered him chocolate in my van and suddenly he complied. I was on the defensive as I entered my ex home and she said "Don't worry it's nothing bad" and other calming comments which just dragged out her saying what she had to say. She asked for reasons why we had broken up, without me listing bullet points in a cold hearted manner. She asked why I had seemed to just switch off all of a sudden in a callous way. Basically though she expressed being cut adrift. I was the one with the large family and her friends are not close really. 
She was reassured when I reiterated that for me to become platonic friends with her and maybe from time to time provide her with an evenings platonic company, I needed to cut all ties from her and to be able to enter that house as a single entity rather than a relic of some lost relationship. She seemed to get some sort of closure for now. I felt a little awkward when she asked such questions as "do you miss me?", "do you regret leaving?"
Sod it, she asked.
"Er...no and no." I said.
She's under no illusion. She just needed to feel she had asked a few questions for whatever reason. Maybe now she will take a step back from grasping at my shirt tails to find out what I'm doing. She and I are both going through a rebirth. I guess all these check points need to be gone through in order to progress. 
I drove away with a sigh of relief. I finished watching (Angels and Demons) De Vinci Code 2. 
I painted a watercolour of Gordon Smith the psychic. I was happy with this one too. There is something very calming about painting and I hope that I improve. 
For some reason I get teary with my son when I see him briefly on a Monday. When I have him for six or more hours I don't. I think Monday's will be stopped soon. Things will be different when I have the house though so I like seeing him a lot at the moment. He brings me so much happiness that it overwhelms me. Anyway this blog is already way too long. Speak to you tomorrow friends.

Looking back over the last week I have seen myself being too weak with my ex. I've lingered too much because of her being ill. This did bite me on Saturday as it drew a comment which wound me up from my ex. It was the opposite today though when I dropped off my son, "are you staying for a bit, no?, why is it cos I offended you yesterday?". I mean I can't be arsed entering into a break down of it now but I think I've made another switch. I will say 'No' more. I think my mother thinks I have slightly fallen too soft but won't interfere. Well, tomorrow I will see my boy from nursery and I will feed him and then drop him off at seven. That's it. Wednesday I will have him again. Friday I will have him again and then Saturday. So Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday I will not see him. These hard and fast rules will be in place for the next seven days at least. She drives me crazy almost without saying a word now. Distance from her would benefit all. 
My son is being brilliant though so I bought him a new Duplo kit. 

Bolling Hall had some enjoyable moments such as a table moving about 3 metres across the floor so that we had to move quickly with it. The usual table tipping occurred and the table at one point revolved and slid and it looked like we were almost dancing in the dark. Later on a torch light turned on and off at the simple request. Sometimes it would flicker so we pushed for it to flash five times in a row and it did. also you could say 'on' and it would come on etc. This on switch was not being held at all. This was a first for many of the team. The strangest thing was many of us felt the old wooden floor undulate beneath our knees or feet. I thought it was just me until other members said "what the hell was that?". I was tired towards the end and activity started to go quiet. We asked up in one room for the closed door to be opened and sure enough it twice creaked wide open. Things were wrapped up earlier than usual by 4am but that had been enough. I'm more eager to create a group of my own every time we do these nights.

Due to my ex feeling very Ill, I was summoned ASAP to look after my son. I set off at 8 am but couldn't reach where they live due to snowfall. So I went back to mums and watched 'Fermat's Room'. On my later attempt I reached my destination and occupied my boy with his toys whilst my ex enjoyed a bath, she did look very ill. At midday the snow seems to have stopped.

It did almost get weird between us but I stuck it out until five pm in the room together. It was fantastic being with my boy and playing and watching tv. My ex had sky installed so I took my box out of the way. It's not snowed for four hours so I can go to mums and try and sleep to be rested for ghost hunting. 

I spent six hours with my son today and it was bliss.  We played with toys for ages and then went to Big Blue Frog again. He had woken up from sleep (obviously) and was clingy. I took him home late at the request of my poorly ex. I think he is starting to understand that I'm based at his grandmas now. He was ok for me to go with the promise I would see him in the morning. Fingers crossed for dry weather. 
I came home and watched HEAT and it made me quite sad to see De Niro and Pacino at the end of their prime. It made it obvious that old age happens to us all. Another ten years could Mark the end for these two. And the last decade flew by. 
Time is so easily forgotten when looking back so you have to live for today. I had a lovely day with my boy so if I die tonight I am happy. 

Tonight I created a song on MTV Music Generator game and painted a face in watercolours that I was very happy with. So a productive evening to start with and then sat on my backside to watch 'Fighting' with Channing Tatum.
My ex told me that my stepson is missing me so I am going to drop my son off at 7pm and have my stepson until 9pm. It's difficult to balance everyones perspective on my separation. It should be easier when I get my own address.  
I got teary earlier when my mum said that my son won't remember my living at home with him. That really chokes me up.
I have to make him feel secure even though I'm not there. My robotic emotions kicked into my defence quickly and I regained composure. Each day holds a variety of emotions.
This is going to take time to feel normal again but I've got about forty plus years  left yet.
What good am I in a relationship if I can't 'relate'?
I guess I shall continue my work on this blog and
Http://cwhitehouse.tumblr.com/


Sent from my iPod

I had some strange thought crop up about Jesus' sandles. In every portrait Jesus is wearing sandals ok? So let's assume that Jesus walked the earth. Let's assume that he had maybe a dozen pairs of sandals during his 33 years alive. He must have discharged a good thirty pairs into the bin or the times equivalent. Surely even in those days people would have thought that the things Jesus cast aside would hold some value or at least a magical property to be kept. Imagine how much you would get on eBay for the footwear of a smelly teenage Jesus. Surely the leather of a sandal would have out lasted the papyrus which had been written on, which has managed to still be in a museum. What about his toothbrush? He brushed  his teeth right? His teeth are always White in the pictures and his hair carefully brushed making him resemble a hippy John Lennon.
During his teenage years did he ever stomp off to his hovel shouting at Joseph "you're not my real Dad"
As Joseph makes him study carpentry incase being the son of god doesn't pay off. "it's always wise to have a back up career son, now go brush your hair and clean your teeth.....do those old sandals still fit?"
Primark came 2000 years too late. "praise the lord for the two for one T-shirts"

I bumped into a fella I used to go to school with and he was working at the ARC car wash in keighley. He had not excelled in school because he was considered a bit thick if I'm honest, but I always got on with the thick kids as I wasn't much better. 
I wondered whether he would acknowledge me or not as you never know if you should or not do you. But we did, and I said I'd just left my wife and he told me how he had been single for four years since his girlfriend from Wakefield had got too clingy. Now I should explain that this old school friend also isn't Brad Pitt. Infact it's fair to say that he has large warts on his face as well as his eyes don't point in the same direction. I'm only stating the facts. Anyway it amused me when he regaled me of tales of his possessive girlfriend stalking him at football practice to check that he was indeed there. I could picture this old school friend carrying a shitty stick but found it laughable that he was ever beating women off with it. Having said that, when he said 'girlfriend' I pictured a really pretty girl, as one does. Then I thought what would a girl besotted with him look like? I imagined the pretty girl that I had at first pictured but seen through the bottom of a pint glass and dressed as if entering a 'Dirty Hillbilly' competition. Ahh that's more like it. There's someone for everyone I thought. Except me it would seem. 

I played with toys and my son for a little longer today since I started and finished work earlier. Then as i dropped off my son I picked up my stepson and took him to my mums to watch Knight and Day. He said he too was looking forward to my having my own house. He has missed me around and that is sad for me but I told myself and him that once I got a house he can stay and it will be a games console and film arena. 
I've got a rough moving in date of the 14th of March so there's still plenty of time to live the easy life at mums. I can see now why you do find people in the forties who haven't moved out still. 

Why do people still use this phrase, "Long time, no see".
They mean "it's been a long a long since we've seen each other hasn't it"
But instead they still use cavemen English. 
"Long time... No see...." I mean that's not many levels above grunting and pointing. I want to reply with "me no see you long time. Many moons passed." 
Use full English for Gods sake.

Tonight I created a song on MTV Music Generator game and painted a face in watercolours that I was very happy with. So a productive evening to start with and then sat on my backside to watch 'Fighting' with Channing Tatum. 
My ex told me that my stepson is missing me so I am going to drop my son off at 7pm and have my stepson until 9pm. It's difficult to balance everyones perspective on my separation. It should be easier when I get my own address.  
I got teary earlier when my mum said that my son won't remember my living at home with him. That really chokes me up. 
I have to make him feel secure even though I'm not there. My robotic emotions kicked into my defence quickly and I regained composure. Each day holds a variety of emotions. 
This is going to take time to feel normal again but I've got about forty plus years  left yet.
What good am I in a relationship if I can't 'relate'? 
I guess I shall continue my work on this blog and
Http://cwhitehouse.tumblr.com/
I have plans for 2012 already blossoming. This year is time out though. 
I have been thinking about ex girlfriends today. Just reminiscing about various relationships and coming up with the fact I have not been in love. I've loved having new girlfriends from time to time but I've never connected with a single one. And now I'm less   accepting of any nonsense so I'm not settling down anytime soon. 

Valentines Day is about secret admirers isn't it? The idea that a card or two falls through the door with no name inside is the basis for the pleasure of this day. So why the pressure to still buy your wife or girlfriend one after years together? Where is the surprise and what's the point? Couples who love each other should go for meals and buy flowers spontaneously throughout the year. Not be forced into a situation where they are rammed in a restaurant with other couples because if they don't there will be a row. How romantic can it be to receive a gift from someone who has been strong armed into it. Leave Valentines Day for the single people  who still believe that finding love will fix their broken lives and lead them to their happy ever after. They don't want to sit next to Tom And Barbara who sleep with their backs to each other every night secretly wishing that the other one would disappear. Three years is when the magic fades so find someone else.
Happy Valentines Day though young lovers. 
Same time next year unless you are lucky enough to have split up. 

A day off everything today. 'Shutter Island' and 'The Expendables' to start the day. Then over to get free Wifi in Skipton pub. I'm off over to cineworld to inquire about movies unlimited card for£13.50 per month. Since one ticket costs £8 it would benefit me. I have Lovefilm switched off for the time being so I could write new reviews of current films and it would make this being apart from my boy go a little easier from time to time. This morning I have sorted a load of toys from my mums attic for my little boy to play with on Monday. He is my life first and foremost and films come second. Fact.
I have set up a train track for his arrival tomorrow so until then it's 'Knight And Day' then bed.

Today was going to be a struggle. I accepted that as I left to get my haircut before arriving at my ex's for my step daughters birthday. There was a strange atmosphere with us rolling around being a family for the day. My son and I played as my wife tried to speak to me with question after question, what did you do last night? What are your plans today or tomorrow? 
I felt bad saying I watched a film, but I can't afford to do much else. I took my stepson to the cinema and watched 'The Fighter'. It had emotional weight to it but I felt at times I was holding back the tears. I don't actually think it was about the film. When I find a good time I think I will need to try have a good cry before I can move along. We all went to Pizza Hut and were seated. Strange away my ex started to cry so we upped and went home. Being surrounded by happy families was too much for her. This led to a conversation in which I pointed out that in order to become friends again, we need to separate. We should have days where we don't see each other. Today was as if we hadn't broke up at all and it caused problems. 
This is difficult for me as I don't want to be with my ex but then I miss out on my son. He has been ok about me leaving so far thank god. That is my Achilles heel and I will keep that a secret.

I took my son to Dragons Den but he was so exhausted that he just cuddled me we went back to my mums. He seemed to be full of cold too. When I returned him my ex pushed me to give him a bath if I could. I don't know what is reasonable in this unusual situation. I am going up tomorrow as it's one of the kids birthdays and I owe it to them to honour it. Now that will be weird. 
I stayed in and watched 'Grown Ups' and 'Predators' whilst mum went out for a meal. Being in this halfway house feels exactly as that, not at the house with my wife anymore but not in a new place of my own. Its step in the right direction though and too be honest I slept really well. 
I feel guilty today now my son is I'll and I have walked away to somewhere else. But I picked him up from nursery, had him four hours, returned him and gave him a bath and I am back at around 9:30 am tomorrow. 

You know that feeling you get when you have left a partner that you will change this, that and the other. I feel that. In the past I have changed hair styles, worn shirts more and started wearing a gold chain around my neck. I tell myself that I will tidy up my appearance now which is obvious. But maybe I should grow a moustache or start wearing a hat? ( i'm  joking ).
You could really push the boat out and start talking in a different voice or accent. When I'm a new face in Silsden I could put my new image across and no one would know any different. I could start talking English but in an accent that was French like I used to do on Spanish holidays in the 80's. I could invent some mew back story about where I had come from and make it sound like I'd travelled the world but ultimately settled in Silsden.  All these options are not going to happen. But I might start buying my clothes from NEXT. Wow indeed!!!!

My head is too full right now to sleep. I feel elated. My ex and I have arranged that I have our son every second day for at least a couple of hours so he doesn't go any real length of time without seeing one of us. This has all gone incredibly well. She had been talking to her dad about me moving in to my mums not knowing that it was underway. I can come and I can go as I please now. I just don't want to take the piss out of my mum. I suppose I can't, because your kids can never do that. Now I understand the love that she has for me. When I left home before I was full of angst and insecurities. Now as a dad I can understand that love she feels inside. The relief of escape is making me quite teary. I am not prone to tears. I look forward to the future. I know there is much pleasure to come. I also look forward to avoiding anything with breasts which is not how I felt when I left home in 1995. 

After arriving at my ex's house keyless to pick up my son and take him out for tea, I was in a mood at being locked out of the house I was paying for. Showerless and in my works clothes still, I awaited their return half an hour later. I then showered and took little lad to my mums where she offered a better sleeping arrangement for me. So upon taking my boy back I let my ex know that I would be staying at mums. She agreed ok enough and said she saw that it was for the best too. She has decided to ring my mum and have a quick chat to make sure there's no nonsense between them. 
So basically here I sit in a room where the last time I slept here,was the last night before I slept on a mattress in my first house in May 1995, age 20. 
My life arguable went into decline on that fateful week. I made stupid decisions in those days. Here I am age 36 and I'm back to my mums. Tomorrow is a new Dawn before the real challenge of living alone again. I am older now and ready to leave this room. 
You never hear of birds returning to the nest saying to it's mum, "it just didn't work out mum, can I move back in now?".

I came home after work to see my boy until I went out to meet a friend. My wife said straight away "can you not go and meet ---?"
She said that she was really panicking about how to afford it once I'm gone. So out of trying to do the right thing I actually text this friend, one hour before meeting him to cancel. I rang first but got no reply. So she had me cancel, to talk about  money worries. Within ten minutes she went to ask her friend over the road some questions. One hour later she's returned. Now she's upstairs talking to someone else on the phone. I cancelled my plans for this??
I think it's a bit of controlling going on here. This is part of the reason it's over. I feel like a puppet on a string as she cries the poor tale and then give in to her asking me to cancel stuff. I feel that I've been stupid giving in again.
But on the other hand I'm wanting her to have her friends convince her that she will manage financially. Plus most of all I was getting time with my son this evening. Tomorrow I want to see my boy fully because Wednesday is the day I will see him from now on. I want to go to Dragon's Den or Blue Frog with him tomorrow. Just he and I.  I have to remember from now on that I did cancel when she asked, and I need to keep that in my arsenal if she starts next time. I feel sorry for my friend now, I should have kept my appointment. 
A part of me is closer to grabbing my little bag and sleeping under another roof so this control stops. I can't handle this for another four weeks. 
I'm giving her £1000 to pay my half of the debt and I'm paying her mortgage this next payment, and still I'm expected to rush to her aid some more because her benefits come at all different times.

I slept better after a couple of pints and not wrestling in the sleeping bag like a modern day Houdini. My ex and I went over the possibilities of changing the car to a smaller one and looking at mortgage rates to give her more chance with money monthly. 
She says that when she thinks that I'm walking out on my son it's like a kick in the stomach. I see it that I'm just moving address and taking him with me and going to work as normal( as I go to work before he gets up), and if she wants a kick in the stomach well she knows where I am.... Normally in my van listening to albums of my youth shouting "I can't believe I got out". 
Seriously for all the obvious accusations of leaving my lad behind... I can't wait to prove them all wrong.

I arranged to meet my friend for a drink and chat. When I rang my ex (as I shall try to remember to refer to her as), she said she had suffered a bad day being lonely already. She had taken the day off work as her lack of sleep had led to her vision going bad. Hopefully the pills she acquired  from the doctor will grant her sleep tonight. However when she arrived at the house after I had seen to the kids tea etc she was upset again and again. She worried me a bit with what she said but then pulled it back to an acknowledgement that she will be ok. I had to remind myself that I have left her and I don't have to do anything that she says. The sooner I can leave the better but there's little point leaving a free place to sleep near my son just to make it uncomfortable and away from her. Tomorrow I am going to meet my sisters ex who remains a friend of the family. I think it's best for us all to see that we move independently of each other. Fingers crossed we will get through these next weeks without fireworks. When I am without her I love it already. But I I love seeing my son a lot too. 

This feels fantastic. In a pub enjoying a pint of bitter, tapping away on my iPod and giving a fuck what funny looks I get. Fifteen years now has passed since I bought a note pad and would scrawl things in it whilst enjoying a pint. Some of it was written in such a rush as to be rendered illegible. There is more beauty in a handwritten item on paper. I love my iPod. I write this and it's nicely produced and put through spellcheck. I do need to get into the habit of re reading and possibly re writing my blog entries but they flow out so enjoyably that I feel the moment has passed when I finish. I apologise for the shoddy editorial process,I.e. None.
I am becoming a foetus again in an egg and everyday I grow and form to one day re emerge as the new, next phase ME. I hope and believe that my blog entries will become more positive. With the positivity I hope will come the funny stuff. I am happy today. It's official. That could well be half my life gone. That sounds like a fair deal. Thirty six years climbing the ladder of society. Now thirty six years doing EXACTLY what the FUCK I want. People talk of me meeting someone else 'one day'. How could anyone want to be with me and accept me for the way I am. If there was someone, they'd have to be a brainless freak with low confidence issues. Not exactly setting myself up for admirers am I?. Hey Ladies, fancy being wrote about behind your back? Never kissed without me grimacing? Or ignored whilst I watch film after film?. If you have less teeth than eyes then form an orderly queue as I write about your flaws as if I am some authority on standards. 
.......I will die alone...so very alone.... As a group of ex's piss on my open coffin. Maybe that will preserve my corpse though and I will be resurrected as a loveless zombie without normal emotions. 
AKA Katy Price.

I floated, free as a bird from work to my mums, my friends and then my aunts and another friends house to spread the news of my release. Everyone has concern for my son, sympathy for my wife and relief for me. I don't know the last time that I moved this freely and it felt fantastic. There were a lot of bewildered faces, not really sure what to say. Now I am in a pub near my sons house awaiting my ex to come home as I'm sleeping there tonight. People are unsure of whether this situation of me sleeping downstairs will last until my house is sorted out. We will take one day at a time. I am looking forward to work tomorrow. A sense of normality. I was at work humming a song to myself and when I concentrated on the words, I realised it was 'The Soup Dragons' with 'I'm Free'. My subconscious was celebrating unbeknownst to me. If I listened closely I could hear cheering and party whistles being blown. The party inside my head was in full swing without me playing 'freedom' related hits. It's weird when the mind carries on doing things without your known instruction. I hope tonight goes smoothly. It's cold outside. I should probably not tell my ex about the mind party. 

She woke me up at 3:30am to talk. Then she went out for a drive to clear her head. It's 8 am and she isn't back yet. So my son got me out of bed at 6 am to watch 'Shrek' and 'Spongebob'.  Today I'm going out alone until about 6pm. This is to get her used to having the kids etc on her own. She says that she would like it if now and again I would stay for a drink. Yes it does sound like a bizarre setup but she doesn't want to be alone and says if I could provide company here and there then the thought of me going doesn't scare her so much. Even she is surprised by her reaction, calm on one hand and desperately clingy on the other. Where as she dreads the long evenings alone, I will relish them. It would be unfair to put someone else through being in a relationship with me because I can't 'Relate'. I am an island and yet I also like company when I choose. She keeps asking me how I feel. How do I feel?? Very glad that I'm going to be out of her embrace but sad that she is struggling with it. Ten years now she has told me all my faults and now I've said I agree. This means that she can't now say that it was working so she has to agree to finish. She wants to finish it too luckily but is petrified about being alone. Whereas I love being alone. 
I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself but it's quite stressful. So if I'm having my boy sleep over two nights a week and taking him out when I just feel like it and giving my wife company as a friend then it's not really like I am going to see my son any less. I am paying for her car and the next mortgage so she has a  chance to sort herself out. It's going to work out better than I could ever imagine, as long as I don't get wildly into debt again. 

Being here does border on the 'doing more harm than good' for fleeting moments when she asks difficult questions about Feelings. With Nick Jr tv channel playing the same song every thirty mins, the whole deal of my still being in these four Walls is made quite comical. The song goes..." Friends...let's be friends, 
Friends...we can be best friends.."
(as I was writing this she came down crying, " I don't want you to go etc." but then took that back saying that's not true.) 
Difficult times emotionally. 
Fear is what she is feeling because she doesn't know how she will take all the problems on her shoulders but I explained that she already was doing that as I never worried about anything
Important. So she has told me she wants me to sleep over in a spare bed to make her feel better. I'm not complaining. It's a fine line to tread though between being present and being back to normal. I will never go back into a relationship. She is Jekyll and Hyde tonight and now she wants us to drink wine. I've half a mind to say I should leave tonight. 

My wife summoned me back over at 8am. I picked up bread and milk on the way. I was greeted by my wife saying she hadn't slept a wink all night. "how have you slept chris?"
"fine" damn...probably the wrong answer..." well about three hours"
The agreement seems to be that she can't handle the thought that it's all on her shoulders so if I could hang around I can make it not seem like a sudden change and Jacob can be managed by me since he is a handful for her. I can sleep over tonight downstairs so I'm not complaining. We talked about the arrangement being weird but if it works for us then it's good. I have nowhere to go that wouldn't feel awkward so I couldn't have arranged it better. My wife knows it's over and in some small way is relieved actually but fear of the unknown has made her quite clingy for my company. So I get to be around my son just the same and not have to bother with the romantic shit. It all still seems like a dream. She says I can wash my stuff at hers etc so I'm sorted. She does get upset but she explains it's not in some attempt to make me feel bad, it's just upsetting. 
So it's nearly dinner tome on Saturday and she's gone to her dads for a few hours and my son and I are watching SKY and DVD's. How often does it work out like this? Rarely.
She will pay my sky bill whilst she has it in her house and I will keep her car payments going. We are supporting each other. 
I have to stop myself from doing a Braveheart and shouting "Freedom". We are even going to have a drink tonight. She says it might seem strange but we might be friends. Which goes against all our better judgement but since their is no bad shit involved it kinda is a better place to be. Still....roll on my own place. There's no going back. I am single for life, except for my fantastic offspring.  I am so very proud of myself, it turns out that when I'm cornered I still can be harsh.

I spoke to the solicitors and she at least  said I was being fair.  I raced to bank and sorted out my own account to have my wage paid into. I couldn't increase my credit card at the moment so I left it. Next up I shot home and boxing my things up was a tougher job than I expected. Hardest of all was reclaiming my dvd's and leaving the kids ones. I called at work to unload and my boss was still there. I thanked him for helping out with my situation. I am in his debt for everything really. Hopefully my transport, employment and housing will all be in his hands. But if I don't mean for  that to ever change then it's a good agreement. 
Thank god I could dump my stuff at work too or I probably would've never left my wife. 
So I reached my wife's work car park before she actually finished. I couldn't just sit and wait. I rang her work and asked for her, but she was on a call so I had to wait a few minutes for her to ring back which was torturous. I asked her to come out to the car park and she knew something was up. The correct words spurted out from my lips followed by her asking me to change my  mind. Soon enough, with a surprising calm voice we were discussing what I proposed as regards money matters. We drove her home for a bit to talk sensibly about money more. There was no shouting but we did get choked from time to time. She basically said I need to be there for my son and to help her through this. 
I  collected my son and took him to Dragon's Den and then briefly to my mums. The kids were ok about everything I was glad to see because of how calm we were. I put my son to bed and showed my potential house to rent on the Internet. She is eager to help me how she can because she wants me to help her financially and emotionally but I made it clear I am out of any relationships for life. 
I could never have anticipated things would actually go so well. One day at a time dear friends, the tide can so easily change. 

Today, in some form or another I will die. A decade of handcuffs will be shed and like the carcass of a catapiller, I will leave an empty husk behind. But let's not forget that from the dead catapiller comes a butterfly. And as I think I have said before.. Every birth is messy. I am focused today and can see my goal ahead. Regret is not an option.

Last night I walked around the house in a grump. I was restless with my head full of feeling I wanted to not be there. However I don't see the solicitor until Friday so I didn't want to risk saying anything unless she too didn't go to work on Friday. This is the most stressful thing I have ever done. My head is actually holding up well, still in the belief that I can come out the other end intact. 
I sit before work in my van watching the clouds creep overhead and wonder what the weekend will bring. It's all ahead of me. 
I think the office floor at work could soon be very familiar to me. 

My wife embraced me in the kitchen and gave me a kiss as she seemed in a good mood. I felt awkward but managed to go through with it and then went to sit with my little boy. We sat and watched The Other Guys DVD and I rested my hand on her leg. Then to bed. Morning came and she tried to cuddle me and so I faked testicular pain so that she wouldn't get any ideas. I hate this charade. I'm secretly off on Friday to go in the garage and the attic and get my belongings and take them to work. I will see the solicitor for a free session on Friday afternoon to get clued up about my financial options. It's so difficult to think about anything else whilst awake. I pray for overtime to help kill the hours with her since I am riddled with guilt about my intentions.

Credit to a work mate for giving me the push to write openly about my current situation. I was trying not to direct my Blog down my marriage breakdown but it wasn't working anyway. I started this Blog as a way of being honest and truthful. Trying to think of other things to write is impossible at this moment.
So here goes....
I have been with my wife ten years. Married only four and have my one son who is the centre of my existence. However my wife and i have never connected. You meet a woman and imagine what you hope it will become. It didn't go like that as such as she was going through a separation from her first husband when we met and I was in lots and lots of debt. I was comfort to her during a different time  and she was a reason to stay in and save for me. 
Relationships have been built on less I imagine. My one true purpose in life was to father a child, preferable a boy and live happily. So through the bad times I would say I was leaving but would never go through with it because time was going and I had to have a kid. So I stuck at it, getting married to this woman who I knew was a good mum. Being a good mum was more important than her being a good wife in my eyes. However along the way she has called me out on not showing her affection or telling her I loved her. I don't do these things as it's not how I feel. I didn't think I was capable of loving anyone until my son was born and so now I see that this marriage is a waste of my life. It's reached a point where my wife and I don't so much as hold hands. The last few arguments have had me utter these key phrases
" I don't love you and never have", and "if I knew how to leave I would"
These are truths that I have spat out into the air between us but they didn't seem to do damage. It was only days after that my wife would curl up to me saying "do you love me darling?"
And as I sat perplexed I would slowly reply " yes" whilst practically adding " sunny Jim"  and rubbing the top of her head.
How does the truth not stick. I think it's because she didn't want to hear it and so chose to ignore it. A great skill.
So it's got so bad that when I hear people are splitting up I feel jealous. My boss is buying a house to rent out and I'm set to move in when I'm able. But this leaves maybe six weeks to wait and only I know my plans of leaving. To avoid living amongst a row I am just going to jump when I get keys to new place. I fear that she would trash my belongings if I told her at home. So I have took valuables to somewhere safe without her realising. So my mind has already moved out and yet I'm physically there for weeks yet. I wake to stomach aches daily with this secret. This Blog is still a secret from her believe it or not. It's my release as I am not good at talking openly. But writing comes easily.
So there are the facts.... I want my life alone back as long as I see my son constantly I will be fine. But heartbreak and tears are unavoidable as I pull the stilts from the structure of five peoples lives. 
I always said I was a cunt.

Playing Call Of Duty last night while having a sleeping tablet take effect was an interesting experience. I'm average at the game but as the night drew to a close I started to be looking through a post box slit. I was shooting aimlessly, spraying bullets wildly. Strong stuff indeed and difficult to wake up from. So it's coffees all day now. We were up at six am to wash nit lotion from my boys hair. 
Tired. 
I'm watching the worse coupling of subtitles and dubbed audio on The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. The subtitles ask a question which gets an answer but the audio says 'Never mind'. It's quite disorientating an experience. I can't wait to get back to watching films at my leisure. It's a good job that what comes out of our mouths isn't subtitled or it would be impossible not to insult people with text of how you really feel. 
"Morning Chris"
"morning, are you alright?" ( oh no it's you , let me get through the door before you pollute my vision with your stupid face).