Credit to a work mate for giving me the push to write openly about my current situation. I was trying not to direct my Blog down my marriage breakdown but it wasn't working anyway. I started this Blog as a way of being honest and truthful. Trying to think of other things to write is impossible at this moment.
So here goes....
I have been with my wife ten years. Married only four and have my one son who is the centre of my existence. However my wife and i have never connected. You meet a woman and imagine what you hope it will become. It didn't go like that as such as she was going through a separation from her first husband when we met and I was in lots and lots of debt. I was comfort to her during a different time  and she was a reason to stay in and save for me. 
Relationships have been built on less I imagine. My one true purpose in life was to father a child, preferable a boy and live happily. So through the bad times I would say I was leaving but would never go through with it because time was going and I had to have a kid. So I stuck at it, getting married to this woman who I knew was a good mum. Being a good mum was more important than her being a good wife in my eyes. However along the way she has called me out on not showing her affection or telling her I loved her. I don't do these things as it's not how I feel. I didn't think I was capable of loving anyone until my son was born and so now I see that this marriage is a waste of my life. It's reached a point where my wife and I don't so much as hold hands. The last few arguments have had me utter these key phrases
" I don't love you and never have", and "if I knew how to leave I would"
These are truths that I have spat out into the air between us but they didn't seem to do damage. It was only days after that my wife would curl up to me saying "do you love me darling?"
And as I sat perplexed I would slowly reply " yes" whilst practically adding " sunny Jim"  and rubbing the top of her head.
How does the truth not stick. I think it's because she didn't want to hear it and so chose to ignore it. A great skill.
So it's got so bad that when I hear people are splitting up I feel jealous. My boss is buying a house to rent out and I'm set to move in when I'm able. But this leaves maybe six weeks to wait and only I know my plans of leaving. To avoid living amongst a row I am just going to jump when I get keys to new place. I fear that she would trash my belongings if I told her at home. So I have took valuables to somewhere safe without her realising. So my mind has already moved out and yet I'm physically there for weeks yet. I wake to stomach aches daily with this secret. This Blog is still a secret from her believe it or not. It's my release as I am not good at talking openly. But writing comes easily.
So there are the facts.... I want my life alone back as long as I see my son constantly I will be fine. But heartbreak and tears are unavoidable as I pull the stilts from the structure of five peoples lives. 
I always said I was a cunt.