The fireworks crackled into life as stupid o clock. It must be the New Year. 
Ahh I've waited for this moment all year. 
2012 has arrived with its new slate. I say I want a quiet life every year but this year could be the quietest yet. Free from judgement. Free from emotional baggage. 
Full of joy with my son. I do not wish to improve but I want to stay the same. My son will start pre school this year and so these last months of nursery are golden to me. Not that it will really be the end of an era for him. It's not as if anyone looks back on their days at nursery. 

The mountain that I have climbed in my life  seems to be underfoot now. no more heights to climb. So I intend to sit and stare down at the others for twelve months at least. 

Tick, tick tick. Time waits for no man. 
I've achieved all I wanted to. So now it's just plain sailing. 
I love me and I love my son. 

I watched ''The Way" this morning. It is a film about a walk called the Campino De Santiago. A father walks this iconic trek after his son dies while on it. It's emotional to say the least and yet inspirational. I cried within minutes of it starting. I wasn't really sure why but I used the two hours to weep here and there and get whatever baggage I had built up, out. Not all out crying you understand but tears on cheeks and reach for the tissues crying. The father son stuff hits me the worst but it was cathartic too. Once it had finished I dusted myself off and showered and now I feel refreshed both inside and out. I even googled the walk. I felt something if a calling, as if an invitation from the idea. 
I realised that I am compelled by isolation and loneliness. Other films that deal with such issues also resonate strongly with me, such as 'Into The Wild', Grizzly Man and even '128Hours'. 
Maybe I will forget about the film and the idea but we will see. I love the idea that I will one day walk it too and if I could walk it with my son then I would be delighted. 

I feel I have made such a spiritual journey just this year and all it took was to move to Silsden. I know how that sounds but I mean how I have 'found' myself by taking myself out of the life I was in. 
I am happy. Yes, that is Chris Whitehouse saying it. 
I AM HAPPY
Any writing prior to my thirties are grim and twisted. 
In a way I do see it as a miracle. Who do I have to thank? Not God, but my son. He gave me the strength to be me. 

The best bit of Christmas is the gap in between the event and the end of the holiday. That is now. Presents are being put away and the tidy up commences. The only niggle for me is New Years Eve and it's forced reminiscences. My family are getting together for a short early do but it's just rather than doing nothing so there's no pressure to live it up. I have my son on the EVE since I don't drink anyway. 

But for now I get the free time to do as I please like I did yesterday. I went to the cinema and watched two films in a row and then played Modern Warfare 3. The time is going a lot quicker than I had expected though. I thought I may be twiddling my thumbs at times but that is simply not the case. 

I had a Christmas pudding with brandy sauce that tasted really strong and was still not at all tempted to indulge after. People tell me it's a really good move but couldn't actually do the same. I've been there. 
So before I have my son again later, I shall watch some stuff and read a bit if I'm strict on myself. 

Ahh, Christmas eve. I squeezed in two episodes of BBC's MERLIN and then set off for my son early. Therefore I find myself sat in the van overlooking Keighley, listening to a film review podcast as rain falls heavily. Twenty spare minutes revelling in this solitude. I am dropping my step kids' presents off and taking my son back to my house to put food for Santa under the tree. Then when I take him home this afternoon I will walk to the pub with my step kids for a chill out pre Santa. 
I noticed that the cinema is showing films each day as usual and I am enticed to go just to be different. 
I worried about being sad but I'm not, well not at the moment. 
My family are getting together for a Christmas present swap that I will not be attending. The family Do's are reduced this year because due to fracturing of family factions, we can consolidate the meetings into two rather than four. So I will be able to tackle my Sky recordings. I think many people will be watching boxsets of series. 

11:05pm on Christmas Eve. The world is quiet where I am. Santa is laying out my sons presents at various houses. Children are just about finally drifting off. It's still magical. It's also over quite quickly. There were no shortage of people on Modern Warfare 3 though. 
I was bought a bottle of Jack Daniels by my son. His mum knew I always drank it at Xmas, well anytime I could. But no not this year. It looked like a foreign substance. I am really proud of myself for not drinking but it does sometimes make me think I am an imposter. 
It's got to be doing me some good. 

Well a merry Christmas to every reader. Goodnight.  

I woke up with what I identified as slight excitement in my belly as it is the last day of work today. That makes today Christmas eve eve eve! (two days before Christmas eve). I'm looking forward to going for a drink with workmates (non alcoholic) and being able to come and go on my own terms. Last year for example there was a pressure from my other half at all times to not enjoy myself.
I have my boy today which will be great as always and knowing I have a lot of spare time to come with my feet up feels fantastic. My face will not look excited as it never does though. 
I'm lost in a world of Modern Warfare 3 online for hours at a time and I await all the newbies who will join me after getting it as a present. 
Last night I finished a ghost write up which had been hanging over me. There is still one outstanding but it's the one where I thought my team had gone all show biz on me and I said something. An awkwardness lingered about it. It seems to have evaporated since but I don't want it revisit it particularly. Then again if i write it up as straight as it happened then maybe the team will see my side when they read it. These outbursts were put down on being 'affected' by spirits which,I hate to say it, slightly feels like a cop out. Maybe I will blame anything I do wrong on that too. Hey, it was just a weird night for us and really I feel nothing but respect foray team. It's all supposed to be fun for us anyway. I'm sure they will have problems regarding me too. 
Well with this renewed free time about to kick in I guess I will be talking to you guys more. 
Have a good last few days of work.  

The pre Christmas arrangements on top of normal life have meant little time to blog. With work and xmas wrapping and overtime on top of having my son and fighting to get Call Of Duty Modern Warfare 3 to work online, I have been busy. After getting into SoundCloud I found myself revisiting my iPad Korg music making app and posting some pieces of music I had drummed up. The hours disappeared easily. Then I also got in contact with my new sister via email and so that occupied my thoughts. I'm not going into details though. All I can say is she seems pleasant and I like writing to her. 

This is the final working week and so although things are grinding to a halt, it is also a time for rushing to get all work out of the workplace. It will be strange not being at work after barely taking any holidays this year. 
My step son has asked me to teach him to play the drums which are in the garage. So now I do that once a week too. It's a good chance to stay in touch too but I doubt he will stick at it, I hope i am proved wrong. 

The twenty six hours with the mans son had ended. I guess it had only just dawned on hIm. He felt lucky to have been asked to collect him early even though the boy had been under the weather. There had been more luck at the time of returning him as an extension was requested by his mother. 
The man had cuddled and laughed with his son more times that weekend than he counted. A bond, an amazing understanding and sharing of jokes was there but hard to explain. The little boy had left his fathers side twice during this time together. Once to play whilst his dad cooked tea when the father had listened to the animated conversations from the kitchen. The second time was when the boy asked to play in his bedroom. The man had not wished to disturb his boys play, but was left redundant, sat in the adjacent bedroom looking lost without his friend. Pathetic? 
Independence is very important to the man and wants it to pass to his son but when the man himself is on the receiving end of being sidelined, he doesn't like it. 

So once alone, the man preceded to catch up on the half watched programmes which he deemed important before he took a hot bath. His legs were red under the water. What damage to a body was this doing? It couldn't be healthy. But he read and was happy doing so. It took a lot of motivation to read at times. But once it was underway the man always made a promise to himself that he would do it more frequently. 
The man rose from the still hot water and with one palm scraped the steam from the old mirror. An old face looked back. The red face took a second to recognise. The hairline was receding and with it swept backwards there was no hiding it. The silence of the house was deafening. 
Bedtime was unwelcome every Sunday evening. 
The routine of the week was welcome once underway but never on a Sunday. 

Alcohol had been mentioned this weekend as the man had attended a little get together with a friend at the friends workplace. It was just gone 5 months now since alcohol had entered the mans system. 
"Oh I don't even think about it now" had erupted from the mans lips. He had meant and believed it as the words sat awaiting to be spewed out. But once they left his lips, it seemed not as true. 
It was thought of in the company of others. As he had spoken he could smell and see wine being poured. 
Later now, he thought of it as he wrote. But the truth still stood. As much as he would probably enjoy a drink, it would be back to the downward spiral and it just would be such an obstacle in his driving based life as it was these days. 
Maybe when his son had well and truly stopped playing with his father and visits were far down the list of important duties to the boy. Then, yes maybe then, would the liquid devil seep into the innards of this frail spirit. It's pollutants firing the creativity anew. But the demons laying dormant, along with them. 

2011.

Being on my feet at work all the time, I give my footwear some hammer. So I purchased some work trainer type shoes of a more expensive variety in order to get more wear out of them. As usual these new work shoes frowned down on my older 'decent' footwear. So I made the decision to relegate my 'decent' shoes to become for work. My new and cheaper footwear seemed to gloat at the underling pair as the sat side by side in my kitchen. I felt sorry for my old faithful decent shoes after their 18 month service. During a hail storm after my working week, I walked back to the van to leave for home. My left sock felt the cold wet cuddle of rain water. It was obvious that I had sprung a leak. One week at work had rendered one shoe holey. I put my trolley back and squelched my way to the van again. Was my second foot having sympathy for my first? No I really did have a second wet foot. BOTH shoes now had sprung leaks within minutes of each other. It was like when elderly couples have one die and the other gives up the will to live. I looked underneath both shoes and upon squeezing them saw the bubbles of air  coming from the souls. My new shoes had won hands down. As I arrived home and threw my broken footwear in the dustbin in front of my new ones. 
They looked smug, all dry and clean. 
Well fuck you new shoes, I thought. What I didn't tell you was that upon purchasing you and leaving the store a week ago, I spotted AIRWALK footwear for the same price which I wanted an excuse to buy. Now I have my reason. You my friend are instantly cast down again to be my work shoes as intended and the AIRWALK ones are going to piss on your chips, ha ha, you can't cheat fate my toe carrying amigos. 

Shoe war

Being on my feet at work all the time, I give my footwear some hammer. So I purchased some work trainer type shoes of a more expensive variety in order to get more wear out of them. As usual these new work shoes frowned down on my older 'decent' footwear. So I made the decision to relegate my 'decent' shoes to become for work. My new and cheaper footwear seemed to gloat at the underling pair as the sat side by side in my kitchen. I felt sorry for my old faithful decent shoes after their 18 month service. During a hail storm after my working week, I walked back to the van to leave for home. My left sock felt the cold wet cuddle of rain water. It was obvious that I had sprung a leak. One week at work had rendered one shoe holey. I put my trolley back and squelched my way to the van again. Was my second foot having sympathy for my first? No I really did have a second wet foot. BOTH shoes now had sprung leaks within minutes of each other. It was like when elderly couples have one die and the other gives up the will to live. I looked underneath both shoes and upon squeezing them saw the bubbles of air  coming from the souls. My new shoes had won hands down. As I arrived home and threw my broken footwear in the dustbin in front of my new ones. 
They looked smug, all dry and clean. 
Well fuck you new shoes, I thought. What I didn't tell you was that upon purchasing you and leaving the store a week ago, I spotted AIRWALK footwear for the same price which I wanted an excuse to buy. Now I have my reason. You my friend are instantly cast down again to be my work shoes as intended and the AIRWALK ones are going to piss on your chips, ha ha, you can't cheat fate my toe carrying amigos. 

My son awoke from a twelve hour sleep and we went to nursery and then work. It was a nice surprise to have had him overnight last night. The snow never made it round my way today luckily. 
Work passed unremarkably. I weighed up the decision over buying new wireless headphones and came down on the yes. So i did. An evening to myself started with completing another case of L A Noire, I now have three cases left until I have completed it. Then whilst enjoying my roast veg and sausages for tea I enjoyed watching 'Hall Pass' with Owen Wilson. No....he hadn't popped round... He was in the film. 
Then with time on the clock, I wrote some bits whilst playing through the new Fall album 'Ersatz GB'.

I'm looking forward to the spare time that the Christmas holiday will provide. Maybe there will be enough time to lose myself though in my indulgences. Music film painting gaming and writing. 

Still no word from sis. 

My otherworld investigations uk t-shirt arrived today andi like it a lot. Next week we are taking our new medium to the West Riding pub to try her out, no pressure. I think next year i need to focus on our team as my mind is not fully on the write ups and footage reviews. It's as if my mind has shut down for winter. 

The snow covered windscreen of a dark and wet Monday dawn, was the first introduction to the tone of the day. I drove in a frozen position all the way to work. With my shoulders seeming to be clamped against my ears as I soared down the bypass. I clocked in and did what I do and then I clocked out. I had been informed about the weather conditions of the day and it seemed that they luckily would not stop me from having my son. We happily drove to our Monday rendezvous both laughing like children, he can get away with that of course being three. I have a three in my age, does that count?
No sooner had we landed than I received a request to have him overnight due to someone's illness. I ok'd it with my boss (many many thanks to him) and we had our tea and then set off to mine. We spoke of the snow on its way and how it made for dangerous weather conditions. He understood and agreed that there would possibly be days where the snow would decree it best if I don't collect him. No point in crashing or getting one of us stuck. I was proud of his intelligence on the matter.
When we arrived at mine he was asleep. He stirred when we got out of the van and took up my request that I put him to bed. 
I continued on LA Noire and completed another mission. Then there was a few exchanges over getting in touch with my new sister. There are still technical difficulties. 
I read my brothers exchange with her amd she sounded level headed and nice. I said she must take after her mum. 
Then my overtime allowed me to order this years albums by 'The Fall' and 'The Orb' before pre ordering Trent Reznor's 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' soundtrack. I want to replace the iPod classic I lost in the split. But I keep stopping myself as it seems like spending for the sake of it. 
Now watching 'The Runaways'. 

I went out to the pub for a mates birthday celebration. I have been without alcohol for nearly five months.  The last time I drank more than three pints was new years eve. So entering a pub felt odd. I stood alone and felt awkward with my Pepsi until the crowd arrived. Being able to drive there and back was great for me. I stayed out until alcohol effects had become obvious in every person and conversation was depleted. Being surrounded by alcohol was not a problem in fact having to hold my mates pint whilst he went for a wee made me more sure I didn't want it back in my life. 
Of course I was the boring one, but even when I drank I wasn't the fun one. So for me nothing has changed in how much enjoyment I got out of it. 
As an added bonus, not having the slightest interest in getting a female partner also made it a relaxed evening. I felt sorry for the crowds of relationships who don't have the freedom to come and go that I enjoy. 
I am happy in my bubble and pub life is a closed chapter, for now. I still don't rule it out forever. 
I arrived back home to a feeling of joy at entering my own home to a silence that I filled with playing LA Noire until midnight. 
Once again...bliss. 
A surprisingly good nights sleep too after all that cola. 

Why do we insist of the whole charade of Santa? Kids don't care less that there's a Santa, they only want the presents no matter who the hell gets em. We don't make up shit on the eve of their birthdays do we. Kids and adults are perfectly excited about birthdays without the invention of a persona. It boils down to an excuse to try control their actions in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Why do I celebrate this religious ceremony anyway. It doesn't matter to me what religious persuasion my country's laws are taken from. I have no worthy answer for why I get involved in it. 
It's just something which we all go along with. 
We send each other Christmas cards easier than we genuinely ask if people are well. 
Christmas cards are tomorrows litter and they are unsightly and pointless. 
But what if you didn't send them.....oh you would be thought of as a right bastard. 

I remember feeling let down and distrustful of adults when I learned the truth about Xmas. What pleasure had these so called grown ups got out of lying to me. Trusting others disappeared on that day. The feeling that up until then they had been giggling at me behind their hands for believing their stupid tale. 
Is the truth really worth covering up. 
Don't the parents get any credit. 
I do remember thinking " yeah Santa is getting me loads but what the hell are my parents getting me...nothing". 
Stupid season.  

The world catches Christmas fever slowly as I put my feet up with 95% of my duties taken care of. 
Overtime is in the bag and I can catch up with my hobbies. We have a handful of ghost events sketched out for next year already and I need to write up our investigation findings to keep up to date. 
Movie reviews have also taken a backseat along with having a pile of films to watch on various formats. 
My boy opened his first door on his advent calendar today and seemed chuffed. He approached me the other day about my telling him a story about when I went in a rocket to the moon and got back on time for tea. A girl at nursery had said that I had not been to the moon. 
So he said "did you go to the moon?" after a thought about lying, I couldn't. 
"well...it was a bit of a story", "I thought that if I told you that story it would make you happy"
He mulled it over and said "so you wanted me to be happy and so you made me a story?"
"Well Dad, it DID make me happy!" it was very touching. He was pleased with the outcome and it seemed that his nursery friend could go XXXX herself. 

I'm looking into more journeys into the past to unload from my mind/diaries. 

I've had little free time as I have mentioned. But Sunday night brought an investigation in Hebden Bridge where we set up our Ouija board in a hotel room and had names and addresses given through the board  etc so we can try verify the details. Once the 
Ub was enclosed downstairs then we tried having the spirits tip and shove the heavy pub tables. It took about two minutes for them to get the hang of it. These were very heavy and yet as our hands rested on top, the table shook and lurched across the floor and round in circles. Now comes the evidence review hassle. I was lucky enough that circumstances deemed it possible for me to have my son sleep at mine an extra night this week. I can hear his breathing as I write this. 
He is changing each week and it's a joy to watch. I won't go on about it as you know how I feel about him. 
My head is swimming still from getting in last night at 1:30AM and yet starting work at 7AM. 
There's one thing I don't enjoy about sleeping alone and that is the lack of other body heat in bed. I have to stay stock still on the runway warmth of my own body. As I tussle in bed, I feel the uninhabited places brush my skin and I get a chill. 
I decided not to get worked up about being behind with my writing each day whilst I have so much on. None of it is actually important. 
It's nearly December and my year of rehabilitation is almost up. Lessons learnt. No love lost. New horizons set sights on. As I may have mentioned, this is the top of the mountain, and the view is good. Life is quiet above the clouds. I will emerge from my chrysalis into 2012 looking the same but with brighter innards. My software will have changed, maybe that's a better way of putting it. 
Speak to you soon, overtime permitting. 

This week has been a black hole so far. The speed of me juggling all the stuff I want to cram in plus responsibilities plus working over fourteen hour days where possible has meant that writing has pretty much not reached out of my atmosphere. I'm so far behind on writing up my movie reviews and ghost hunt findings that I may as well just draw a fresh line in the planetary sand and start from NOW.

'Modern Warfare 3' landed today so after my overtime I got home and started the campaign. It is awesome. I'm worried that I will plop through it too fast though. Online is still getting some tweaks so it wouldn't connect today. I have a pile of DVDs to watch including whole tv series that will consume time on their own. I haven't finished 'LA Noire' yet either. But this is a moan that I love. 
I can stuff my eyes with all the visual content I like without anyone saying "can we turn it off now?".
Bliss. 

The days black clouds shuffled in overhead whilst I worked, until the heavens opened and pissed on the lands, washing away the dirt of autumn. There is a palpable sense of change in the air as snow is tickling the Scottish highlands. I hope we don't get any so I can still have my boy. 

Well back to my little spare time for this Friday evening before work on Saturday. There's no rest 
 for the wicked. 

Excessive overtime hours and the late nights and early rises are maybe starting to play havoc. It's a good job I'm sober as alcohol on top of this scenario would be a killer. But as long as the money keeps getting raked in, the more relaxed I can become about each small amount I spend. I think the headaches that I am suffering from is due to a continuation of fix or six hour sleeps each night. But sod it, I will rest over the festive season. There are pleasures outside of the world of beer which continue to entertain me. My happiness continues to increase each week and my inner self belief is soaring. When the new year begins I think It will be the most contented I have ever been. 
I have emerged from the blackness of my soul and I stand in the light, purring downwards into the abyss from which I emerged. My life has been transformed in the last twelve months and the pain of that rebirth  is almost gone completely. There is just the cobweb residue to brush off and we can start the last half of my life. I feel like my life is a mountain and I am maybe reaching the pinnacle where I can see where I've been as well as where i am headed. Towards the end of my life I will take up drinking again and throw all that I have learnt onto paper. Painting, bleeding and writing my life force I to a number of images that will out live my body. 
The only thing that stands in the way of this master plan is the element of surprise. 
But maybe expecting a surprise will also take the surprise out of it when it comes to mess my plans up. 

I dared to look at the clock through the night. It didn't feel like it was time to get up but there's only so long that you can stare at the back of your eyelids before fatigue sets in. 3:04AM, damn it. 
"control your thoughts Chris, relax and you will drift back off......just don't think about work, oh god. 
What woke you? Maybe I am unsettled by the phone call from my sons mum. Oh shit I'm thinking about that now." maybe I will just lay here. Next thing was I was finally e mailing my long lost sister. The nerves in my body were fast asleep and so it felt easy. 
4:30AM. Why don't I watch 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' on itv player since I missed it.? Ah, because after that it will be only one hour until I get up for work. 
Anyway I did watch some of it and then managed to get an hours sleep. 

I then noticed that my e mail had been bounced as if it was spam. I contacted my older brother who said he would sort it. There was a moment where it became apparent that he had been the first of my brothers to contact this new relative. I had planned to be the first but it was probably better that I wasn't. 
Now I get to rewrite my e-mail 'sans' animosity towards my father. 

I worked three and a half hours over on top of a day where as much as I tried to do good work, the artwork I had been given was imperfect and I didn't spot it. I had the displeasure of being grunted at for not spotting it. In fact I had spotted it now and the person responsible had no idea and was getting no grunts his way. Hey it's all part of work and I'm lucky that I like my job. 

I should write more but L A Noire needs attending to as I've got Modern Warfare 3 arriving this week. 

The grey mists swirled in the head lamps of my van this morning as I navigated my way to the cinema. Sleep had stopped as if I was going to go to work. My body doesn't understand that things work differently at the weekend. Idiot body.
The cinema lobby was quiet apart from like minded singletons stood waiting for their early morning escape. I had travelled to see 'Twilight: Breaking Dawn' (PT 1) and I the few faces I noticed were all females. Surely I could watch this film too right? No need to feel daft? If they could come to watch Jake or Edward then I could come and watch Kristen Stewart or whatever her name is, Bella Swan. 
The trailers this time had a better one for 'The Darkest Hour' which I really think I will enjoy and yet fear the usual disappointment. The girls near me said that it looked too scary for them. It doesn't look Scary!
Jesus how do these people cross the road if these things are scary?
In Twilight there was a wedding scene which involved families getting chocked up through being happy and proud and such but I found myself taking the odd line and thinking of how proud a father I was and I welled up a couple of times. This made me feel so stupid. What if the crowd thought I was teary because Edward and Bella were getting married. "oh now I look a right fairy" I thought. Then a baby was born later and I welled up again as the proud parents spoke of how much they loved it. (oh for fucks sake, I'm welling up again!) 
Will I ever not nearly cry when I think of my love for my son?. I hope it will settle but I fear it won't. 

Anyway afterwards I went home and played 'Modern Warfare 3' and 'LA Noire' on the PS3. Another lazy day to myself. Another wave of guilt that I am not sat in the same home as my son. And so yet another going over of the reasons why I did the right thing. It can be a little like purgatory for me. It's just another form of self harm I think. 
I watched 'Peep Show' and saw them getting pissed and I pictured myself getting drunk. I just know that it would be petrol to a small flame. So I had another coffee instead. It was mid afternoon when darkness crept across my window and made it feel like it was night. 
So I played some music that I liked but that only makes me want to drink too. I don't think anyone appreciates my battle with drink. I think I underestimate it. First the drink then the moods and then the self harm? Maybe I don't give myself the credit or maybe I feel so happy without it that I fear losing this pleasant life I have created. 
God I'm so fucking reflective sometimes. Even as I write this I am not feeling down at all. 
Just guilty that I'm not with my son. 

Oh I need to read in the bath for a bit.  

I bore myself. I need to keep my mind busy but then when I sit watching tv and films all day I wonder if I am wasting my time......it looks like I am not. 

Whatever makes you happy right? 

If you know how to make yourself happy, you should do it. 

My son's nursery told me that they may be taking some of the kids to the cinema soon. I wondered if it was too loud for children so young but I also didn't want to not be the first to take him. 
So we went to the one pound showing of 'RIO' which I had avoided on its original run due to the annoying orange phone tie in commercial before every film around the time of its release.
I explained to my son that we were going to watch a big telly. He didn't really get it until I showed him on google images. On our way there I could tell that he was excited at the idea, asking if every building was the cinema. We got sat down amongst the other parents and children near the front. He had said that he would be quiet through the film. So he sat and enjoyed the mediocre animated story whilst eating and drinking his contraband that I had smuggled in. It was a proud moment being the one to take him first. Shame about the film but he loved going. As much as I love films, I am not going to inflict it on him all the time as I think it can be loud and uncomfortable for you when you are so small. 
I do look forward to taking him again though now he knows what it's like. He wants to see 'Arthur Christmas' but that is what nursery is proposing to go to. 

I'm looking at another fourteen hour day at work. I'm happy to put the hours in if I get the money for it back. The job I chose to print is running like a dream so I am happy about that too. My Christmas presents for others have started to arrive today so I should be all done by December. My work mate says he hates people like me who are so organised. He's a Christmas eve shopper. 
The questions about whether I will be drinking alcohol at Christmas still keep coming. I wonder if heroin addicts get asked if they will be partaking of a line at Xmas. 
I.     Don't.   Drink.  

Perhaps there is a Christmas rule I don't know about which means you can do anything and not have it count. 
So maybe they are right. 
Maybe I will be discovered with a prostitute snorting drugs whilst a smoke cigarettes and gamble. 
"ah don't judge, it's Xmas so none of this counts!"

A fourteen hour working day on my feet ended with the reward of apple crumble and custard whilst watching 'Max Payne'. Recently I have noticed a lot of mentions of people reflecting on their lives and saying that it has flown by. The other day on the radio it was said the Michael Jackson died in 2009 and that is frightening as it seems much more recent. Anyway it got me to thinking that people who live life to the full and enjoy themselves a great deal probably have their lives flash by because they are so full. I on the other hand have always shunned 'Fun'. Fun is disappointing because it never lives up to its promise like so much else. These people who are adrenalin  junkies will see the years pass by scarily fast whereas I believe my life will actually pass at a slower rate. Of course it's all subjective.
Fun size chocolate which are dished out at parties are too small. "all the fun of the fair"...fun fairs are cheap and nasty. 
Yes I look forward to seeing each moment trickle through my fingers whilst I document it and stick it in a scrap book. 

Now may second point is once again the merits of living alone after having a 'loved one' make you miserable. I come home each night and never have anyone say that I am 'in a funny mood' and i never address myself in a funny tone of voice or give myself a snappy answer. Now even if I did come home in a bad mood it would be difficult for me not to be ok with that state and therefore I would as good as never notice it. No one to tell me about the conversations which happened at work which I have no interest in. No one to point out my foibles as if they are doing me a favour. 
I am king of my own universe. For a selfish person that is very important.  

Sleep didn't come easily. I was still buzzing from my long day of doing whatever I wanted. But eventually, come it did. Two minutes before the alarm went off I looked at the clock. My body knew the routine. I believe I was dreaming that I was talking to Ricky Gervais. That was a first. Usually I am good mates with Chris Martin from Coldplay. He trusts me and asks me advice in his kitchen. Nice bloke.
Work was seven hours of problems that stopped me from jumping into print action. Then the last hour plus was rushing to get done so that I could see my son for tea. Tomorrow will be a long working day but as I left work I still felt guilty. 

Three blogs in a day??
It must be the copious amounts of coffee I've drank/drunk. Plus the 'inspiration' factor. 
I have finished two paintings today and written stuff as well as watched 'pearl jam-20'. I was never into Pearl Jam at the time but I find many music documentaries inspiring. Other things can inspire me to put another pebble on the pile of creative rocks. 'Exit Through The Gift Shop' gave me a burst of creativity plus most recently (before today) 'Howl'. It would seem sobriety can be a good head space for artistic splatterings. Add music to the mix and I find my feelings come to the fore. This would normally lead to drink and it certainly came to mind today but it's not what I need....I think I am afraid of it a little now. Maybe I believe if I drank I would be let ting my son down. 
I took a photo of may son and I together and I saw it on my iPad today and it made me so happy that I was overcome and almost cried. I think if I was here on my own for a week with nothing to occupy me I would lose myself too deeply in my head. I've enjoyed today and it has been productive and therefore I am ready to work the next week, overtime as necessary too. I'm seeing my boy again tomorrow too which is fantastic even after having him for a day and a half this weekend. 
It's absolutely awesome being able to see him and have time alone. It's the perfect balance and so I know it will not last. Someone will alter the balance and I will look back on this time as golden. 
EVERYTHING CHANGES.

But just as we know everything changes day to day...we can do a little piece of something every so often which when viewed in the future, will add up to something monumental. I have my diaries to show for my life. I have all sorts of pieces of footage of my son which is turning into a montage of his life and he's only three. Now there is someone who will have his life documented as if he is famous, because to me, he is. 
No fucking doubt he will take it for granted because we all rebel against whatever is out on front of us. My mum has done so much for me and yet now I have come to take it for granted as part of her responsibilities as my mother. Even though I am adult enough to acknowledge this, it doesn't stop me from regressing back to an infant in her presence. 

I feel free from the trappings of life at the moment. I have created my son and so I have done all that I can to make a difference to the circle of life that Elton John sang about. When I stand before almighty God to justify my time on earth I shall present my little boy as my life's work. 
"Before he was born I was lost O Lord. After him I saw who I could be. He showed me the way to be a better person and yet also see worth on myself that I searched for from others. If he loves me then I am complete. So..for you to stand there and judge me Lord, is a bit fucking cheeky. I asked for your help for thirty years and I was forsaken. You gave me life but it was a life that was less than awe inspiring. I will go as far as to say you are fucking useless as a father figure and I don't want to be in your gang anyway. I suppose you knew I was going to say that aswell since you know every word I am going to utter. Life must be like one big repeat for you and you only have yourself to blame."

And with that he will smite me dead. 

So be it. 

I woke up and watched 'Fuck' and then some Sky recordings to start with. To follow I wrote a blog and then posted some film reviews to my tumblr pages. It was before 9am when I received a text from my brother informing me that my father had met his daughter finally. Due to this meeting I had been given my new (half) sister's e mail address. Although I am keen to get in touch I also have a wall stopping me. Because I am self obsessed and inward, I worry that I will throw too much detail at the poor women too quickly and not consider that she is the one who needs to be dealt with carefully. It must be a bit of a head fuck for her to get in contact with her REAL family after 44 years or so. It's the kind of shit I've seen on TV and thought it would rarely happen. 
So I will leave my dad and her to have their meeting sink in. I imagine it would have been upsetting for the, or at the very least provoking of a lot of hidden feelings. 

It's all weird. My dad is still a dick though.  

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

This morning I watched the 2005 documentary film called 'Fuck'. Obviously it's about language, and the F word in media and on the streets. It is apt that I had a run in with the word this weekend as my three year old repeatedly said it whilst climbing the stairs. I heard him say it but I was unclear as to whether he had actually said it or if he was just making a similar word up. I heard him say it about four times by the time he joined me to brush his teeth upstairs.
"What did you say?"
"Fucking" he said. 
"YOU DON'T SAY THAT WORD" I shouted. 
He smiled at me and giggled, thinking I was joking. I don't shout at him ever really unless we are just fooling around messing. 
"No, I am not joking" 
I went to get his clothes for a minute and when I came back he said.
"I said it quietly dad" 
"What?" 
"Fucking!"
I smacked him and shouted again. 
This time he cried. We reconvened downstairs and I told him that it is a naughty word that must not be said. I calmed him down but did not apologise for smacking him. I hope that memory will stay with him enough to not say it again until much older. 
I am not against swearing. But I'd rather he was 13 or so before he needed to use it and not in front of me. I first learnt swear words when I was 7 from the school playground. I used them in certain company from then on. I love language and choosing words though so I have an appreciation for swearing. If swearing didn't still carry any power and effect then I wouldn't bother using them. 
Here on this blog I am allowed to swear because you are a guest in my domain. There is a warning which you had to agree to before you entered and you can leave at any time. 
I don't want children subjected to it on the TV but I want to accept that they hear it on the streets from friends. As long as they know it can be offensive I am ok with it. 
They are words only though. Just a sequence of letters which can never be as hurtful as a punch in the face. I would not hit anyone through choice and yet I will write CUNT on here. It's a word. It is the power that you give them which makes it offensive. If I read that word for example then I know others may balk at it but I won't. In fact my ex wife and I both use that word for effect but NEVER for the female anatomy. 
We use it to mean horrible person or idiot. 
Bad language is everywhere. Drugs are everywhere. Sex is everywhere. It's just a matter of them being in their correct places. 

With a 50% rise in blog reader visits I have decided to not check my stats for the next few weeks as it clouds my judgement. I have to believe that what I write will never be read for it to be open and honest. However if I check the stats and see no one has visited, I admit that I feel down hearted. I guess that this exercise is just another way to seek acceptance from others. 
This past week has seen me watch full series from when I was about 19 and upwards. Lovefilm had sent me 'The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer', 'Bang Bang it's Reeves and Mortimer' and 'A Bit of Fry and Laurie.  These were TV episodes which were watched repeatedly in the same fashion as Monty Python once was, but these guys were more our era. It's all about the word play and the Englishness of the delivery at times. But when there were 'special' guest on these, watching them almost twenty years later just shows how time flies and that we are all slowly rotting. The tv showed me some faces that were very much 'of that time' such as model Caprice who was in the news this week in a story about how her looks had finally left her except for the plastic surgery which she eventually gave in about. 
I caught the top of my head in a mirror reflection at work and thought it was someone else. Scary. 
I like my hair short but can not get used to seeing this obviously older version of myself. It will only get worse. I think as Christmas approaches there will be more soul searching done. 
My son rang me tonight after I dropped him home because he had stood at the window waving but I didn't know and had not waved. I apologised and told him that I had just been and bought him a Christmas present sack and so I was forgiven. It was great hearing his voice even though we had only been parted for thirty minutes. He really is the centre of my universe and all that I require. 
22:36pm on a Saturday night and I am in bed droopy eyed. I promise to rise early though. Night.x

I picked my son up from nursery as soon as I could because he had a cough and so I wanted him home. 
We played games amongst watching his tv programmes and he says so many things which make me genuinely laugh that it's always a pleasure. Then we bought felt tip pens and made hand made Christmas cards for family. He can write his name at age three and its legible and he makes me so proud. Anyway, Bearing in mind that it is not the middle of November yet, we went to the garden centre to look at the decorations which are already advertised outside. We did not expect to see Santa Claus himself sat in a rickety wooden structure for all to see, this early in the season. My son, after looking around the rest of the shop, came back to Santa and paid our £2.50. We stepped over the invisible threshold and sat down next to him. My boy was given a badge with his name crudely scrawled upon it by the elderly keepers of saint nick. My son acted shy and whispered answers to Santa but I could see he was really happy. We took our Christmas present and headed for the exit. He was really pleased with his soft hammer which made a sound effect of smashing glass when struck. With his new toy and talking point, he headed home happy. 
I am looking forward to Christmas but I feel I have become overly prepared. I have bought advent calendars and a Christmas tree as well as having completed half my present shopping and so the six weeks weight will inevitably take the shine of the Xmas season by the time it arrives. 

Tonight I had settled down to watch 'Bang Bang it's Reeves and Mortimer' when I remembered that I had a private ghost investigation to attend. A part of me couldn't be bothered but I also knew that once I was returning I would be glad that I'd gone. The experience was much better than I had imagined. 
Having a new gauss meter to use propelled the night at the beginning. Down stairs our K2 meter flashed for no reason but then would only flash again one tiny blip on request. We used our Ouija board in the attic the house to contact the spirit which we had briefly conferred with last time. 
My gauss meter shrieked constantly at differing levels for a good five minutes reading some electrical energy where there had been none as we sat to the board. My team member first saw a flashing light in one corner and then my other team mate had her hair played with as another person saw a movement there too. 
Best of all was when we asked for the table to be tipped or thrown and slowly the table rocked then span under our fingertips before it was dragged around the small attic and rocked violently as we asked for it to be levitated. Finally we caught a good angle on video tape to review. It was a really good night for evidence and will be spoke about with enthusiasm for weeks to come. That is why I followed this path. 

Sometimes you need a little reminder why you do things in life. 
The only real downfall is that coffee I agreed to at 10:15pm. Plus I seemed to have a glorious nights sleep until my little boy came into my bed at 5:15am. 
I could be shattered tomorrow and It looks like I will be working over. 

Only a week into November and I've got a good start on my Christmas shopping. It feels good to be in control rather than out of control. Four months off the booze...well done me. My mental health is as stable as I can make it. I secretly look forward to New Years Day so that a clean slate is a little more quantifiable. The test will perhaps come during the Christmas holiday as liquid fun is drank excessively in front of me. Hopefully having to drive to pick up my son will keep me sober. There's is always the worry that I will have too much spare time alone in the break and that's when I lose touch with reality (I have learnt to my cost).
I got in from work and watched more of a Tin Tin box set which I have borrowed. I watched the episode which Spielberg has just filmed and it made the movie seem much better. I don't feel I will ever be a real fan of the series because I don't like the lad but I have a new appreciation for the whole thing and can understand what others see in it. 

The clock was keen on rousing me out of my sleep before I was ready today. I had my lists of things not to leave the house without, wrote large in the kitchen. I grabbed the list and scarpered to work, knowing that I was opening up this week. I forgot my lunch from my fridge. I left work to get my son, leaving his tea in works fridge. It was a day of forgetting things. I think my brain was frozen all day after having to de ice my windscreen in such sudden cold weather. In the evening I watched two episodes of the original cartoon of 'Tin Tin' and was not anymore taken by the precocious little twat. 
10:20pm found me in bed yawning. Tomorrow will be another get up and go day. Today felt so short that I am not sure if there was the correct number of hours in it. 

One thing that was discovered this weekend was my invention. I want to invent half size tea bags so I can enjoy weak tea without the guilt of wasting tea bags. 
Dragons den here I come. 

My stepson and I decided we would go to a bonfire/fireworks display near his house. It was at the side of a busy road and in a field with a marquee and a cordoned off field for the fireworks. At an entrance fee of £7.50 plus drinks at £2.50 each, we decided that money would be better spent eating McDonald's on the hill above whilst in the van. They lit the fire at 6:30pm which was below wall level from where we were so we just enjoyed watching the smoke plumes billow with the breeze down to Halifax town. We found that a nearer field to us also had a fire and so we had two lots of smoke to see and some fireworks from the second site. The fireworks we had come to see were billed as the biggest ever show at this pub though and they would fill the air In front of us. 7pm came and went. We ate our tea in the van complimenting each other for our forward thinking. 7:30 came and went. Surely the fireworks would be set off soon. The live music boomed from out of site ahead of us. We sat and sat. We saw plenty of fireworks but not the ones we were waiting for. At 8:10pm it was four hours after I had picked him up and other then an hour in town as the ships were closing we had pretty much been waiting. 
We looked at each other saying "How late are these fireworks?"
More importantly, how much do we actually give a shit?
We threw on the towel as we ate chocolate and listened to Zane Lowe featuring a live set from Coldplay. 
The thrill of not paying in to the event had gone. We drove passed the throng as we set off to my house. 
The scene was bedlam. Around a mile of cars dumped at the side of every road greeted us as we wove our way through the welly wearing public walking to and from the fire. 
On our thirty minute ride to my house we saw lots of firework displays. We should have sat on a different hill near mine. By then we didn't care anyway. 
Why doesn't anyone else try and blow up the houses of parliament? It gives you instant fame for millennia to come! 
Also, over the last thirty years that I have witnessed fireworks, they have not got better. They go up and blow up. There is only so much that you can expect and whilst fire watching can be mesmerising, I can do that anytime I like. 
So my stepson completed Heavy Rain on the PS3 until midnight when we went to sleep.

I woke up to the rushing around of getting my son ready for nursery today. I love having him wake up here, it's a shame that we have to rush off to nursery on a Thursday. Work passed alright again as I was left to it. The day trickled through my fingers and I found myself sat at home waiting for the rest of our ghost hunting team to pick me up. We went to a private house and listened to their stories before we set up a table upstairs. A spirit came forward and said that she used to live here. She was only 8 and yet she was very strong when moving the glass. Also one of the clients had a male spirit who followed around and he seemed strong too but apparently in a protective way. 

It was good to get the team back to mine to examine some footage and generally chat. 
We are a close bunch who work well together. There are always more places to investigate springing up from each date we book. It's all going very well. Our profits allowed us to replace a piece of broken equipment too Which was a step forward. 
Bonfire weekend this weekend and I have two to go to. I'm looking forward to both with my step son and little boy. Then on Sunday I will probably frequent the cinema. Live life to the max. 

A restless night came to an end too soon. My robot body got up and dressed as usual and hit the road to work under cover of darkness. The days hours trickled through my fingers without me looking at my iPod every five minutes. It's becoming easier not to live amongst its pages. Instead I wander the workplace like a lost soul, wearing my footwear down. 
I rushed out of the place at finishing time, over to collect my son. It's always amazing to see him run over to me. We click into playing games as soon as I pick him up, even in the ride home. Darkness crawled its way across the sky as we diverted to collect pizzas for tea at this request. Being in his company feels like home. Being at the marriage home..felt like prison. 
Every god is in his heaven. 
I played with him as always and we broke to watch the programme of what we were playing when we forgot a characters name. My brother called in after working in our area. This was the second visit in nine months so I wondered what was on his mind. Ten minutes in I think I discovered the reason. He too had our long lost sister on his mind. Our father had been in touch with him about it and it seemed to have caused a somewhat frosty conversation between my brother and my dad. 
It was good to hear that my brother was on worse terms with him than I thought and that he too felt disappointment with the old idiot. What does bother me is the fact that when I mentioned it fifteen years ago, nothing got said. 
I'm passed letting it bother me. 
Tiredness overcame my boy as I read him his third story in bed. I watched 'Stakeland' as he slept peaceful in the room I have for him. I still have bitterness in me about life but I seem to be able to be in control of it. I put this down to the lack of alcohol. Maybe I am selling myself short. Anyway I am taking my little hero to a nursery bonfire and then my stepson to a proper fire. I am plate spinning people so that I do my duty to them. I have two other people trying to contact me tonight but all my attention was on my offspring. He comes first.  

I awoke to the sound of the alarm clicking on to the radio and the over enthusiastic DJ talking about what a great a day it was going to be. Within ten minutes I got up to escape his inane chattering. Fifteen minutes later I was driving to work, the previous evenings preparations for today's dinners had saved valuable minutes. I drove staring but not necessarily seeing the traffic. Any unexpected movement could have been fatal. I got to work unscathed though and set about my job whilst wiping the sleep from my eyes. Did this substance I was wiping away contain fragments of my dreams?
I became robotic at work slowly moving from one printing run to the next, going through the motions. 
While I took a delivery from a wagon I felt the warm sun on my upturned face and it didn't feel like November. One day is so different from the next at the moment. 
I was willing to work over today with not having my son today but it wasn't really called for. I told myself that I would work on footage review and write ups from our ghost adventures. Instead I ran a hot bath and read as I shaved my face. I wondered if that really was my face behind the steam on the mirror. The hair line still shocks me these days. Has the last two years really had such an impact on me or is my face just like the Arctic ice face, crumbling into the sea large chunks at a time. With the heat of the water my face was flushed and it made me look younger and healthier again briefly. 
I tidied up a growing pile of clothes which were hanging on a recently broken clothes horse. Even the strong metal had passed its best from the weight of its purpose. I wore my pyjamas as I tidied my sons bedroom a little. I will see him tomorrow. As I did this I wondered if I was a good dad. I hoped so.
It was yesterday that I had asked him if his mum ever played with him and he said "No" with a detectable sad tone. I said "Daddy plays with you doesn't he". He happily said "Yes" this time with a tone meaning 'a lot'. I was happy even at the memory of our exchange. 
I had not yet had the tv on at all and found that little time had passed so far. It was strange how slow time past when not watching a film etc. I made my tea and saw a picture of my son on a calendar for this year. His new photos have been taken at nursery and I said I would pay half for them. They are very important to me and he looks lovely on them. As I looked at him in the picture I knew this picture was in fact a year old and that he would never be that old again. I saw his orange crocs on his feet and remembered a few weeks ago he had been upset because they had finally broken. Since then he had worn his new blue crocs mostly. Time had moved onwards. EVERYTHING CHANGES I thought. It's as simple as that. Even this moment of my life as I had my tea tonight and once again justified putting myself in this position, would change eventually again. They might only change slightly but it happens none the less. 
Time is fleeting so I revel in every moment I see my son. I never take him for granted. 

It was pure coincidence that the love film I received today and watched was 'Everything Must Go' which was a film about a relapsing alcoholic who loses his job and finds his belongings out on the front lawn when he arrives home. So he lives on the lawn drinking, powerless to turn back the clock. 
It resonated with me although I am not really in the same position as the character. But I could empathise with him and I think that was one of the first time I ever noticed i felt empathy. 
20:29pm now. The TV is back off and time is slowing again. But it won't stop. 
I have my boy stopping tomorrow and I can't wait. I love him so much that I don't need a woman in my life. He is the only other star in my universe. 
20:31pm and I will enjoy being in his presence as long as I am welcome. 

After slagging people off for hunting for a pumpkin on actual Halloween night, I found my son and I driving round doing just that. It worked mind. We took one away and carved it. 
It was a last minute idea and it was worth the trip. I won't take him begging on people's doorsteps though cos its not right. I probably mentioned last Halloween how it seems wrong to demand money from people whilst you wear a mask. If its ok to do today why can't I do it next week without getting arrested? 
Tiredness is crippling me. I should be asleep now but I have to write to you. I've just been to see the new Tin Tin film and it washed over me but left no impression. It was like looking at a wonderfully constructed painting and then forgetting about it immediately as soon as you leave the gallery. At least I've seen it. 
Today I received a photo of a potential shadow person from our Halloween public investigation on Saturday. My friend was very excited about it understandably but I felt it was actually me who had been in the frame. It's outline looks like my shape to me. Especially the clothes I had on would make that shape. Plus there is what seems to be my torch in my hand too. It's all too much like me to convince me otherwise. 
We'll  see better on my tv. 

Is this it? I sometimes ask myself as I sit alone. Is this what we have to be grateful for? As a sperm I beat millions of competitors to reach the egg and the prize is moderate. There doesn't seem to be a goal to being alive that you can put your efforts in to. Humans flock together like animals but they don't gel as well as they like to pretend. As a straggler to the flock I get to indulge myself  in every thought and hobby, yet still there is just the ticking of the clock as a guide. Man invented the clock and so really as I exist for my seventy plus years there's only the silence of the universe. Is it better that there is no point. How can you go wrong if there isn't? 
Sometimes I feel like we all buzz around doing things that will just be forgotten. Our tiny light in the sky will blink out and not be missed amongst the busy cosmos. 
Ps. I am in a good mood, but tired. 

Tired again tonight. Overtime is knocking it out of me as I'm not used to it. Did some footage reviewing tonight. My team mate was stopped in Morrisons and asked about paranormal stuff because he had seen us in the paper. That sounds like a good thing. 
Good luck to my boss who gets married again tomorrow. 
The thought of myself getting remarried gives me shivers. 
Marriage itself is like a warm slipper, nice. But being married to the enemy is terrible. I know they say keep your enemies closer but it does get you down. If you don't get on then there's no winner. 

I was happy to see my friends neighbours had already put out my wheels bin today. When I tried to put my bin bag in though, I found it full of cardboard boxes I hadn't owned. Cheeky sods. I just hoped that the boxes didn't contain severed heads which would be traced back to me. So here it is in writing. I didn't do it. 

I was ironing my three year olds jeans when I noticed that the pocket contained something that I presumed to be a sweet wrapper. I emptied out a ripped Bionicle advert out of Argos's va talkie and: a twig broken in two. It was very cute. I showed him what I'd found and he nodded saying "Thems mine". Like father like son, very attached to useless bits of crap. 
I really need to sleep if I'm to do another twelve hour day on my feet. 

I picked up my boy from nursery. He had said he was hot, maybe with a fever. He stood there in jeans and a vest looking like a miniature John McClane from Die Hard. He perked up when we played though. I dropped him at home and then took my step daughter to see 'Paranormal Activity 3'. I felt that I wanted to tell the crowd that I'd seen it like waving a badge of honour. The room was three times busier than when I had first seen it. It was a teenage room and there was a lot of talking and giggling. It didn't spoil it for me second time but there was a lot of shushing each other and even some turning around and glaring, which amounted to nothing. 
Over time springs back into action this week so things are looking up in time for Xmas. The money will also pay for my iPad so that's cool. I'm looking forward to xmas since I have only had three days off this year. 

There was also the development of info gleaned from a spirit calling herself Victoria Quin from Saturday nights investigation. A train fan had said that Albert Quin had been from Keighley rail service and was moved to Halifax line where he got crushed between two traction engines. Was this linked to our spirit and the old photo of a man on a train found in the cellar? 

Big paranormal event on Saturday in Leeds, I'm looking forward to it especially as my sister is lending a hand. 

I had my son over as usual and we spent loads of time playing together and reading. Then we started to make a robot out of cereal boxes. All good fun came to an end as I dropped him off at his mums. He was tired after the journey home and he wouldn't relinquish his grip on my neck. I had to prise him off me and basically just go. I heard him shouting my name as I shut the door and it was heart wrenching. Don't get me wrong when I text later he was fine and playing with moon sand but it still hurts for a long time after. 
I guess that won't get easier. It must upset his mum too. 

That night I had a second ghost investigation at Cavendish Court and at 1am we had a steam train noise come through from the baby monitor. The mic end was in the cellar which was strange, but awesome. Where we were used to be the stables for horses that were connected to the old train yard next door. It made the night worthwhile. 

Sunday was film day. 'Real Steel' which took a real effort not to cry over in the cinema when it was the father son moments. Then 'Contagion' which makes you think about how easy it is to pick up germs from door handles etc. 
Then home to more tv and a relax in silence. 
I am looking forward to seeing my son again tomorrow night followed by a return to see 'Paranormal Activity 3' for my second time with my step daughter. 

My heating stopped working last night as my son sat with a bit of a cold. I tried to work out the problem but my boy was pulling at me to play games. I was getting stressed because I felt guilty about him being cold and him not understanding the situation. 
He slept in bed with me and that was fine until we got up. October is rife for boiler issues since they have been off during the summer.

I went home to the boiler pilot light being out again. Upon relighting it I saw the heating kick in successfully so finally the house warmed. I left for a cinema double bill of 'Paranormal Activity 3' which was awesome and 'Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark' which I'm seeing in twenty minutes. 
I waited at the ticket machine for the 6:30 to flick over after not being allowed free parking last time at 6:27. I couldn't believe it when the lady said I might get charged for parking because it has to be after half six, as in 6:31 at least...wankers. 

I feel like the world around me is trying to fuck with my head. I was walking through town to look in a shop and three people were walking my way. I squinted into the sun and avoided them to the side. A female voice simply said "You look like a weirdo you!"
I walked on thinking that it had been said directly to me. Who says that out loud to a stranger?
It baffled me more than anything especially as she was pretty nice looking. 
It made me chuckle but obviously self conscious. 

As I reflected on it at home I checked on a website which I had entered a writing competition on. I had to search key words for the competition only to discover it had been cancelled due to lack of interest. Two fucking weeks I had slaved over that. So the world can go fuck itself (except you, reading this, you are in my cool book). 

All this on top of being told I can't see my son if it's dark outside. 

I need a beer.....but if I do, anything could happen.  

The wind was howling and the rain pouring as I returned my son home after we had enjoyed playing together at his grandmas. 
It gave his mother a great opportunity to finally spit out the thing she had been trying to say for weeks. "it's not a great idea this seeing him on a Monday thng is it?" 
"Why?" 
"Well it doesn't seem fair dragging him out in the dark and cold"
Jesus if he isn't allowed out in the cold or the dark then I won't see him until next July. If it snows....I get the point but otherwise I feel a bastard again for that decision being made by his mum when it effects he and I.  Will he think I have deserted him? 
I have no say in the matter because the stupid fucking law says that even though she made my life unpleasant, she gets to piss on my parade too. 
Equality...balls. 
At least she finally got it out though. 
I have one person in the world who I give my love to and an outsider rules how often I can see him. 

The world is one fucked up place people. 
I have to bounce back. I remember pointing out in my marriage how unfair it was that should anything come between us she would only lose me, the object of her problems. But if she pissed me off it would be I who had to leave and I would lose four people. Is that fair? Is it fuck. That's why men end up henpecked because they see it's better to keep their mouths shut than lose everything. 
Evil, pure evil. 

(I am mad at the situation more than personally attacking my Ex, who I actually get on with ok)


I just want to have a comfortable and stress free life. I am not the villain. 



Something I noticed today had me scratching my head too.
Here was the scenario;
I had to go delivering at some point but then the customer decided that they would collect.
Firstly I was told "the customer is now coming to collect that"
I answered with "oh are they?"
Now this is the wrong way around. The answer was given first and then I still followed it with the question which had been answered a second before. 
It happens all the time, eg "I going out tonight" 
"Are You?"
("Yes I just said I was didn't I? Idiot") Thats what should happen but it's become acceptable to do it the wrong way. Now I noticed it, it annoys me further. 

I had my step son over on Friday and we went to the cinema to watch 'Abduction' and then to mine where he played 'Heavy Rain' on the PS3. He stayed with me through most of the next day until I dropped him off and picked up my son. So for three days I have had company in my house. I was making lunch on Saturday and it brought back the memory of being part of a family and having people around in the same house. It was nice I have to say. I can understand that side of having someone live with you but unfortunately in my case there was too many disagreements with my spouse. The problem I have with people start when they need something from me. If I can exist in the same space then I'm fine. My ex constantly starts to suggest something and then says "oh it doesn't matter" and so I know that I will not like it. It starts me on a low mood for hours after because it has something to do with me seeing my son I gather. All I have in the world is my son and it upsets me guessing what she will say. 
With me not drinking, on the one hand I have no defences, I don't go and drown my sorrows but on the other hand I don't send myself in an alcohol low mood and do anything stupid that will perpetuate my feelings. Over three months now off drink and drugs. The simple life suits my personality better but it makes some ups and downs harder to manage. Still I feel that I am on the right path as if I drink I am not sure if I would ever stop. 

Phase 1: the year of change is almost nearing an end. Hopefully the whole sorry affair will be slightly forgotten come 2012.
There's not a day goes by that I don't have a practice conversation explaining why my marriage broke down, as if talking to my son or step kids when they inevitably ask. I've come up with near thirty different reasons I would guess to validate myself and yet a sense of guilt lingers. Hopefully I will be vindicated in time and rest easy in later life. 
I do feel like I was a caterpillar who spent thirty odd years wriggling on his belly in the dirt and then went quiet for three months, only to announce that he was now to be a butterfly and that everyone who held him down could Fuck Off. Then that butterfly decided that he would rather fly solo until his dying day than even land his feet on the shit coveted floor again. 
Hallelujah. 
Praise be the winds of change. 

A good day which turned a bit shitty. I had to drop off a pallet today and I arrived at 8am. It was not until 10:30am that they finally stopped unloading the wagons behind me. That pissed me off. Then a mix up which involved my carelessness meant I had taken two random boxes with me to deliver. So tomorrow I will go again with the correct delivery and do it all again. So my idiocy was the talk of work and it bothered me. I drove home and shut the door on the world. 
I medicated myself with a triple bill of 'Date Night', 'Daybreakers' and 'Wall Street 2'. 

A weird thing happened whilst I had the forklift truck driver sign a delivery note which someone at work had  presented me. the guy took it to sign and I saw that there was a hair of the pubic variety sat atop the sheet under his gloved thumb. I was puzzled and mortified as he signed the note. I expected him to get rid of it quickly and in a disgusted manner but it was if he didn't notice it or some other reason. But it felt like an elephant in the room. I knew it was funny but it was  also humiliating. I have no idea how it arrived as it had in front of our surprised faces. 

I feel very antisocial this week. I have had enough of the way people make me feel. Not by their actions but by I interpret their actions and it causes a bad feeling in myself. Who needs enemies when I have a mind that turns the world against me. 

I've been repeatedly let down by an outer circle of new friends this year and I have finally dropped them from my radar. I have a limited threshold for people who waste my time these days, I'm sick doing all the chasing. It also seems people won't cancel on ,e, misted they just fail to tell me that they won't be coming on such and such a night, like that is better than letting me down. Well it's not, I'd rather know you were not coming to do whatever we had planned. 
Spent tonight without the tv on at all and got writing done for another few days. I can't keep track of how I feel at the moment. It seems to change every ten minutes. 
Even as I write this I ave ran out of the motivation to stick with it. 
I will end tonight's entry by saying well done to me, three month sober. 

The ghost investigation had over twenty members of the public enjoying communication with the dead through glass divination and table tipping. My worries of nothing happening was put to bed early on when people felt things around them and the glass moved to 'Yes'. My team went to the cellar but activity was faint. It was the top floor that was the strongest area with Si's group chasing a heavy table around the dance floor. I think everyone left at 3AM happy with their evening. Now that just leaves evidence to review. 

I awoke after only four hours sleep and thought that was all I was going to get. Then I awoke again three hours later. I decided to jump in the shower and head to the cinema since I have not been for weeks. I missed my first intended film 'Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark' and instead bought a ticket for Woody Allen's 'Midnight In Paris'. I am just sat in the Bowling alley cafe awaiting my film, having sank an espresso-horrid. 
As I took the half  mile walk from where I parked I just revelled in the feeling of freedom again, not having to speak to anyone today so far. Being on my own is just ecstasy. 
One thing to mention though, last night there was a girl attending our event who had a glow to her from the first time she spoke to me. I mean that I felt a strange warmth towards her that I don't think I have ever felt before. Perhaps this is a bit of what other people enjoy when in a couple. It was a nice comforting feeling but I knew that it would never last. 
I'm too happy on my own to gamble anyway but it just made me think that I'm not all shrivelled up and cold inside just yet. Being attracted to people is something I still enjoy in the knowledge it will never go any further. 
What a miserable twat, you may well think. I kind of know what you mean but I know that with desire comes all the shite in between the nice bits. 
Long live the world of cinema where I can lose myself in romances that last ninety minutes and then walk away with doing any damage. 

Been frantically writing a lot recently. Then I bought my son two transformer toys so we have been building bases out of boxes and paying a lot. I had to take him to the doctors today to get a flu jab and was very brave for his injection and so we went to the soft play area called Big Blue Frog at Halifax. He was more able to find his way around to the top slide this time. 
Tonight is finally event night at Haworth. I look forward to it being over so I can relax about it. I think it will do the team good to have one under their belt. Then next weekend it's nothing on week so I will really chill out. 
I have to work on finalising short story for halloween competition so that I can hand it in too. 

We were called back to a local home which we visited recently due to a spirit possibly scratching the family who lived there. It didn't quite fit with the spirit we had contacted before and sure enough it turned out nothing to do with it. Hopefully the family can just ignore the deceased grandad of their son. It means no harm, only protection. 
I keep getting anxious about the weekends ghost hunt that we are running but I know it will turn out fine. 
Also I have a lot of writing to do still and yet feel guilty when I don't read 50 pages of a book I'm reading every night. Can't do everything though. 
All is calm today. My mind has finally shut up too. 

In other news my brother had an attempted break in recently and it is something I fear. I've almost nothing of value to steal but they don't know that. If I came across a burglar I believe that I would be so scared I would have to attempt to hurt them so badly that were not a threat to me. It would be my way of diffusing the situation first rather than be a victim. I worry that because this is my default setting in my home that I could end up in a prison cell one day. I'm completely non violent but this is something I know I would do when faced with a stranger in my home. 
I'd rather they knocked on my door politely and we could come to some monetary arrangement. Civilised like.  

For the second time in two years I have completed a short story from start to finish. Now I have to re read it and edit it including re write chunks. But it's a huge step having finished even a rough draft. It's been close to a one week process of taking one chapter at a time and yet tackling each chapter as if it's the first. 
But what is this bug I have always had to write anything? I did below average at school and enjoyed English but failed it. Having a passion for writing doesn't make you good. 
It's so frustrating being shit at something I love. But ignoring the finished article, I love the feeling writing gives me. It releases a chemical in a way. It exhausts me in a pleasing way.  
I will continue writing this for the foreseeable future but if not this then I will just write all the other little projects to be discovered when I am dead. 

Finishing this short story has reignited further a love of writing. My aunt is supposed to be keeping good to her word and having me help work on a story with her. Fingers crossed that should arrive this week. 

A new weeks daylight tried to wake me but failed. It was up to my clock radio to raise me from my slumber. It had been an early evening to bed in order to watch 'Carnivale' on my portable DVD player. But as soon as I sat in bed my eyes wanted sleep only. 
Damn those eyes for being in charge. 
I had to arrive at work one hour early so as to accumulate time towards dropping my son at nursery midweek. A had a long printing run on so I could take my time to wake up. By mid morning my reading of 'Empire' was proving difficult though as my mind was full of conversations that I wasn't really having. 
The most obvious topic was justifying my reasons for my marriage breakdown. In my mind I was answering to my son when he was older and that led to me also explaining to friends and family members. That evolved into hearing my friends talk between themselves about my bad points and how I'm basically full of shit and deluded as to the reasons why I do things. 
But this was all   invented by me so had no relevance. It's been going on for six hours now and so I thought if I wrote it down it might evaporate but I doubt it will. 

The catalyst may have been dropping my three year old off yesterday. He clung onto my neck and wouldnt relinquish his hold in return for his mum. It made me feel absolutely terrible. To my son it probably meant nothing more than he was tired. But to me and my overactive mind it was like a bomb. Guilt flooded into my mind as we prized him off me. I left and heard him calling 'Daddy' as I shut the door. 
I will pick him up again tonight and he will be all smiles I'm sure. I need to see that to reset the guilt button. 

Once again into the dusk washed evening,
I voyage sober and settled on my comfortable chariot.
With thought and nostalgia tumbling together,
I walk towards the next sunset in peace.
(2011)

This little poem is my first.
It is inspired by Allen Ginsberg. 

It was extra hit today as my half a day at work transpired to have three hours overtime thrust upon it in the form of overtime. 
This means that I will be paid it at the end of Oct which will benefit me well. I hope the next few months go as swimmingly as the previous ones. There is always the thought that some great dark cloud will turn up tomorrow and darken your life for a while. 
I pray that doesn't happen. I will enjoy tonight as much as a sober man can just in case. 
(I miss the booze but have no desire to jump back aboard that ship).

At what point does a person call themselves a writer? Is it if a person is paid to write? I am not paid to write. 
Is it a person who seems to have a natural flair for writing? I am very limited in my writing prowess. 
I consider myself a writer because A/ a writer is what I aspire to be and B/ because I write over 1000 words a day in different places such as diaries of differing degrees and on Internet pages. This Blog has a steady all time low daily hit rate of two visits a day. But rather than make me want to give up because no one is listening. It makes me believe that I can write more truthfully about a further reaching selection of topics. I hope that I am approaching a new phase with my Blog that I can go more internally subject wise and pierce the skin of lies that we all wear to each other. So long as I am not face to face I cam be honest. But there's always the remaining screen of truth armour. Bold talk is one thing but the truth is ugly and hard to take. 
I am growing in my own confidence in myself recently and continue to do so. 
The next evolution of this project is to write as if I was already dead and gone. I would hope that I convey my life adequately on these pages. I have barely scratched the surface though. There's something very romantic about writing. It also caters to my self absorption  and allows me to be the centre of attention in a world where obey I matter.  I'm eleven days from three months sobriety and I think about drink a lot. Nearly daily. I shall discuss this soon.

I watched 'Precious' whilst having my tea and was unprepared for what the film was about. I so nearly cried into my chips. Luckily I pulled it together and enjoyed the film but won't watch it again. So I will be trying to do some writing now on my competition story. I even started to do some Christmas shopping today. This is the earliest that I have started but with that and fingers crossed getting a small helping bit of cash I should be able to have a stress free Xmas. With the baking sun outside today it didn't feel like last days of September. As I left nursery this morning I could see my son waving at me and even heard him shouting "Bye Dad" through the open window. He makes me happy and proud in every fibre of my being. The other day we were having such a laugh together that he laughed so much no sound came out for a moment. It was the single most beautiful thing that I have ever witnessed. God bless my little Autobot. 

This heatwave in October was a nice surprise. I had taken to wearing my coat the week before. 
I had an email from Living Spirits notifying me of a writing competition to he entered for Halloween. I decided I would enter and now have a writing task most evenings. Last night was a night off with my son though so tonight I will be busy. 
A friend notified me through his charity business that a very large  charity in Huddersfield has been given our name to do paranormal evenings. I need to talk to a couple of people and approach this charity directly. Fingers crossed we can come up with something. 

I have hit an antisocial feeling this morning. I just feel a little frazzled by an over enthusiastic participant in our investigation on Friday. I think I have withdrawn into my shell. Still in good spirits though. For some reason the burning of a double helping of chillicon carne still weighs heavy on my shoulders. Isn't it stupid what can bother you. 
It's almost October and I have had three days off this year. I only hope that I can cash those days in towards Christmas. Even one weeks worth would help. I look forward to the new years clean slate. 

I made a large chilli con Carne but the stupid twat of an electric hob chose to blacken the bottom and rise the burnt taste through the whole shitting lot. I was really fucked off, as you may tell. So beans on toast was my back up lunch. I played a Transformers game with my son and a box full of over one hundred metal cars and a cardboard box for over five hours. He just wouldn't stop. 
I then watched 'The Kings Speech' which had been thrust at me against my will and yes I enjoyed it. So I followed it up with 'the Veteran', a film that I looked forward to but was disappointed  in. I have borrowed four books on top of the ones which I were already reading. So I need TV and distractions off on some evenings. 
I feel I have too many plates to spin each day but at the end of the day I feel happy so I'll keep it this way. 

Today I went to the budget superstores Aldi and Iceland and although the food is cheaper, the staff are always too fast when  throwing your products at you in the bagging area. what exactly is the rush? Even when it's just you in the queue they launch your yogurts and tins or bread loaves at you with a velocity that should only be reserved for ''Shitty pass the parcel'. 
Then there's the staff themselves, usually some young spotty fuckwit who is talking to another nob end about how shitfaced they got at the bus stop last night. They are actually worse than the customers. It's as if because I am willing to pay less for my shopping, I must carebless about what it looks like when it eventually gets shoved in my mouth. Perhaps the regular customers are not bothered once they have had their heroin, but I do care. What's more I need to have it done slowly so I have time to put the goods into the  bags. I would love to wait until they are scanning the last four items and then hurry up and speedily take out my card and shove it in the machine too soon while entering my code and then leaving the store before they have had a chance to charge. 

I'm sat in the dentists waiting room. I'm waiting for a man to drill in my face. This I have to pay for. The dentist doesn't scare me though. I've never suffered from toothaches. There used to be a calming goldfish tank to help you relax. That's gone, leaving only the people sitting looking frightened and listening to the quiet and frankly unnerving radio station wash over us. Ahh what's that new noise? A nearby drilling noise. That familiar shrill whine. Not accompanied by a scream thankfully.  Can I change my mind. 
I lied about not being bothered. 
Let's get this over with for at least another year. I don't eat on the day of a dental visit. I shall picture having a full plateful when I close my eyes in the chair. 

I have a headache today which is unusual. I hope that it's a clue as to the spirits we may encounter tonight, telling me that someone had a head trauma. I have no desire to be psychic though. And I'm not by the way. ( even though spirits tell my team that I am). Maybe a lie down is on order after I eat. But.. That means I won't watch a film today. Oh I can't decide. 
I think my nervous mind is just trying to keep busy whilst anxiously waiting the drill man. 
What else? 
I've been drinking a bottle of water everyday and I do feel better for it. I used to drink loads of water before my son was born and then I exchanged it for coffee. I also take vitamins everyday. All this doesn't stop my hair falling out. In fact  what's left of my fringe is now conspiring against me. My fringe flops forward to cover up the hair follicles underneath that are diving off my scalp onto the floor. 
My body is a bastard. And you can tell it I said so. 

I went home after work and got ready to go and visit a close by family who are frightened in their own home. Si and I used equipment and glass divination to communicate with a spirit which turned out to be a passed on family member as I suspected. They now feel a little better and have took a large step towards an understanding of the paranormal which they previously didn't believe in. 
I arrived home and watched 'The Break Up' and saw some truth from my own experience in such matters,  amongst the films observations. I have been the one to stand there and look helpless as I'm being berated. Then I made false promises to be different but knew it wasn't possible. I don't miss being a let down. 
Movie romances are what I believed in and to find out that they were a lie just means that I don't want a romance then. I have a son now and so what do I need a relationship for? Bitterness and resentment have become strangers to me and so why would I ask them to come back. 

Once again when the sting in the take of the coffees had worn off I was left droopy eyed. I didn't get my son to bed before 10:30pm and being Optimus Prime to his Arcee took a lot out of me. I have an investigation tomorrow at the last minute where a lady is scared to be in her home alone. She claims that she gets grabbed and that there's poltergeist activity in her flat. It sounds fascinating but could just as easily be nonsense. I am excited either way to have a chance to find out. Ok I really am tired now. I keep closing my eyes and feeling the warm blood in my eyelids send me off to sleep so there's nothing else for it......bed..now.

Monday night at the cinema was a sorry affair. There was a queue of two people to fall in behind. However I still had wait patiently whilst they decided which vat of coke they would share. Then their noisy tortilla chips would be complimented by which dips? Both, why not. Oh and shall we get a popcorn? Yes, large please? For fucks sake I'm not sitting next to your crunching, slurping and piss breaks every ten mins.
They watched a different film anyway. Only four people were already seated when I sat down for the crude languages film called '30 minutes or less'. One of them was an elderly man with flat cap and cane. He had come to enjoy his cinema swear fest. I looked at him and saw my future. Maybe it was me like the time travel aspect of 2001: a Space Odyssey where the lead character somehow overlaps himself at different ages. Fair play to the old guy. 
It was 11:30 when I set off after film number two (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy) . The trampled popcorn still lay in the gents toilet doorway. The desolate lobby/foyer? only contained the tired staff all glancing at each other to see if everyone was still awake. I walked back to my van with only the echo of my footsteps for company, passed the car park security guards who stared ashen faced at their monitors of power and got in the van homewards. 

A bit of an awakening today as I worked out bills. I'm left with less than I thought towards food. I've lived on less though and my choices these days are sensible options. I'm enjoying being in control of my life right down to penny pinching. Christmas is the next threat financially but I will get through it. There are still things I can sacrifice such as Sky TV which would save me £35 a month. What would help is overtime at work but the current climate makes this unlikely. 
I have a double cinema film visit planned tonight. '30 seconds or less' followed by 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy' . Then tomorrow I need to write about ten film reviews for my little hobby site. 
I'm still sober and still in good spirits. 

Got up and out of bed to watch 'Switchblade Romance' to fond it a French treat to rival 'Halloween'. I had this on a video ten years ago or more and still never saw it. 
After collecting my little boy we were straight into pirate mode. We had all the living room be different islands and a large box with a door cut into it which was pirate prison. It was fun I must admit. 
The following day I took him to the local film museum where in the entrance they have all the history of games consoles and we played Lego Star Wars, Quark plus sonic the hedgehog.it was good playing those with him but it's not something I am going to introduce him to any time soon. I would rather he not be anti social like me. We had lots of cuddles and laughs and so now that I have dropped him off I feel content in myself that I've been a good dad. 

After work I had myself a film marathon. I'm on film number four in a row. So far I've watched 'Machete', 'The Town', 'The Karate Kid' remake and 'Basement'. I do enjoy being transported away into the filmiverse. I love my cave away from the world and prying eyes. I catch myself trying tom see if I feel lonely and am just having myself on, but it really seems that I am content in my own company. Tomorrow I am having my baby boy earlier and longer. Very much looking forward to that. 
I've done a painting tonight too which is of a photo on my friends Tumblr pages. I haven't shown him yet as I have to finish it. 
The weather is slowly turning and the clammy hand of autumn and winter is stretching to grasp us. All I worry about is cash-flow in time for Xmas. I am penny pinching in the hope for a stress free Xmas holiday season. Life is simple at the moment and I still maintain my alcohol free mind. 
I started to compile my scrap book of ghost investigation clippings from the newspapers today. I hope in twelve months time it looks impressive. I got our latest one today. It shows me in a derelict corridor in Leeds with a large green light coming towards me as I  hold out my gauss meter. A professional photographer took it and therefore it really boosted our profile in time for the Leeds event. We actually got a second fully booked visit off the back of the newspaper article. 

I'm over halfway through this transitional year. I've been so very lucky to have not encountered bad times. I hope my life continues on this course for many years. I feel as if I have been released from shackles, not from the marriage though as I thought it was, but from myself. I feel there's a new set of rules know that are tailored to make me a better version of me. For example it's the little things that I am more thankful for like food in the freezer or the time to sit and do some painting. As long as I have enough money to meet my bills etc then that's fine. 
I don't want to return to eating plates of cheap frozen mixed veg, which was an all time low in the mid nineties. It helps all round that I cannot afford alcohol. It has done me the world of good. 
I really just want to make me son proud of me.

THE DARKNESS (visit one)

The Darkness hadn't left the boy alone entirely. It just hung back in the top corners of the room and watched. The boy thought that he was fixed and that his days of troubles were over but he was wrong. The Darkness enjoyed toying with the boy briefly some evenings when the boy was tired and the room was quiet. A brief breeze across his head as if a spiders web had dropped from the ceiling and landed on his forehead pleased the oppressive force. 
Oh how the boy wrote incessantly about  being an improved person and not having any 'demons' left, made the Darkness smile, half with disbelief at the naivety and half with  an excitement of what was to come. He would have his dark days again, his shadow would see to that. 

Today our ghost team was in the Yorkshire Evening Post newspaper on page 3 and on the website with video clips of our investigation. It was exciting for us to see things starting to take motion. Our next ghost event is sold out and hopefully the coverage will sell out the next one. 
It just shows how far passion can get you if you persist. 
The end of a hurricane swept past last night. A house had it's roof ripped off near where my boy live yesterday. It must've been bad. Nature cannot be tamed. Luckily my new abode is well out of the winds route. I sometimes think that people wonder what goes on behind the blinds of my house. I never open them because I watch films etc and want them shut. From the outside it looks curious. But as readers of this blog know... Nothing exciting goes on. 

Well after writing my TIME TRAVEL articles, I do feel a bit better. Like an exorcism of sorts. Maybe I should delve deeper. Life is just about doing what makes you happy. That seems easy doesn't it, only there's a hang of bastards who are trying to stop you. 

I'm so tired. It's been a long day of writing. Mondays are now my 'don't turn on the tv evening'. I get all the other bits caught up with. It's paying off I have to say. 
The Keighley news newspaper have said that they will try and send me to review popular premier film if there's a big event on and pointed me to a mag that might want my reviews. 
The Yorkshire evening post photo shoot went well and the photographer left with some strange light anomalies where my equipment picked up energies. He said there may be a bigger article on us to come. We shall see. I'm having so much fun with everything but is it tiring. Late nights every night.  
I'm still adamant that I will be single for ever and I am still sober. 
It's all going rather swimmingly.

This is a sample from my ghost adventures.

Once again we met at a private location where we often find ourselves returning. The spirits are starting to become familiar to us by name but we try to take it further each time. Si, and Sue and I were joined by two others called Kevin and Matt who are open minded and curious about the paranormal. We started the evening by setting up cameras and other equipment around the location. We decided to start down in the kitchen on this night as we had never done down there before. People always felt something down there at night when investigating and yet we just never got round to actually doing much down there other than leaving an audio recorder in there. We seemed to pick up shuffling and possible voices but because we were uncertain we had to discard the findings. 
We were setting up with all the lights on and Sue's K2 meter lit up to maximum. Then the gauss meter clicked so there was a high electrical field which had not been there moments before. This is now quite predictable at this location. There is an eagerness to communicate usually and you have to hurry to get set up. 
I left my gauss meter turned on upstairs and set a video camera recording just watching that. There was also another audio recorder sat next to the meter. I shall have to refer to what was caught upstairs whilst writing what we did at the same time in the kitchen. 

SESSION 1: Kitchen.
The five of us sit around the yes/no board in the kitchen with an IR camera recording us and an audio recorder nearby since the camera doesn't have a mic yet. We always start with 'protection' and this was done whilst we relaxed into the room. We all lightly touched the glass and asked for any spirits to move the glass to yes. Nothing happened at first. In fact ten minutes past with no movement. This is sometimes the way but we knew the spirits were around so persevered. We continued asking out and finally the glass dragged to 'YES'
"is this David?"   ''NO'
"Is it Luke?".  'YES'
"it's good to talk to you again Luke".  'YES'
"Luke, did you know we were coming?".   'YES
"How many spirits are here tonight Luke?" we counted out from one and waited for the glass to move. It moved on '7'.
"Are they the same ones that we have met before?"   'YES
The glass starts to go in a circle motion which in the past seems to be a sign of building up energy. 
"Luke do you still hang out on the back corner?".  'YES'
We are told that Luke can be found in one corner upstairs and Tom in the opposite corner. Tom was discovered by another group who briefly visited as our guests. It is said that Tom used to work here in this building in the past. 
Sue asks Luke if he can take the glass around the edge of the square table. The glass does as commanded and traces the square shape of the table. The glass starts to move in circles again and we ask if it can change direction. The glass slows quickly and starts moving in circles in the opposite direction. 
"Luke, can you speak to other spirits on your side?".  'YES'
"Are you aware that we visit other places and communicate with other passed on spirits?   'YES'
"So did you know that we have been to the West Riding Pub in Leeds?".  'YES'
Sue is convinced that someone has sat next to her on the bench. 
"Do you know Mary, a spirit from the pub in Leeds?"   'YES'
"Has Mary told you that we have visited her?".  'YES'
"OK, we are going to the West Riding Pub next week to arrange an event, what day are we meant to be going?"  Luke does not stop the glass on the correct day. 
"Will you  tell Mary that we are coming and that we thank her for not breaking many things in the bar anymore". 'YES'

(the camera upstairs has been recording the gauss meter click every now and again. In the review I also heard a strange tapping sound like  that of dogs nails on the concrete floor. I don't know what it was ultimately but I also confess that it was looped at times like the noise was going on repeat. It may have been the tape I was recording on fraying and the edge and causing the noise inside the camcorder. If that was to blame then the noise will be over the next footage that I review with this tape too no matter what I have recorded on it. Otherwise it was a noise I caught which I couldn't explain.)

A few minutes later and we asked Luke to go and effect our equipment upstairs. We looked at the time and stayed quiet for a minute. The glass had moved to YES accepting the challenge. Interestingly it was at this time that my meter did slowly build from one click to three and on and on until it shrieked with it's crackly noise at full measurement which is a reading that you would get off a kitchen appliance which is working. The glass had not moved in the time that we sat quiet as if there was no spirits present at that moment. 
"Please move the glass to yes when you have done it". 'YES'
"Is there someone sat next to Sue?".  'YES"
"Is it you Luke?".  'YES'
We ask Luke a few questions to find out if he likes our group and would he come with us  to help on other investigations. This would prove interesting if evidence of this presented itself. Luke says he will help us at our next event in Haworth so time will tell. 
Luke remembers Haworth because he was from this area in life. We communicate further and learn some bits we already knew and try and expand on them. 
Luke says he is 19. Born in 1970. He died in 1989 from a motorbike accident where he was driving in the September of that year. 
We ask Luke to drop the temperature on my thermometer and nothing happens. Si asks the same thing on his laser thermometer and the start reading is 16.6 degrees C. 
The temperature drops on the red dot area at the end of the laser to 16.4 then 16.2. Si prompts Luke to make it a round 16 and it complies. 
"Luke do you come in visitation?".  'YES' so he obviously chooses to come here and is not stuck because of his accident. 
"Is there light where you are?".  'YES'
"Would you use the  description 'Heaven'?".  'YES'
"Is moving the glass, the easiest way for you to communicate?".  'YES'
(upstairs the strange repetitive tapping is louder than before, but still has the same rhythmic pattern at times and then stop starts a little)
"Do you enter this building through a doorway so to speak in a certain part of the location?". 'YES' 
We list different parts of the location and he says that he comes in through one office in particular. When asked if Luke can open and shut a door upstairs for us he replies that he can and will. Nothing is discovered out of the ordinary though. 
(the gauss meter clicks once and then again and then flies up to maximum before slowly backing down again to nothing)
"were you unsure of us the first time we spoke to you Luke because you were reticent to let us even know your name?". 'YES'
"But do you trust us now?". 'YES'
"Have you spoken to others on your side?".  'YES'
We ask if the spirit knows a relative of one of our guests and he says he does so we ask him to pick out his name from a list that we say. The correct name is signalled by the glass moving to 'YES'.
(upstairs there is more electrical energy playing with the meter)

We ask Luke if there are spirits at Sue's house and the room goes quiet and the glass feels empty. We wonder if he has in some way gone to look. Then it springs to life again and moves to 'NO'. 
We then ask if there are spirits at one of our guests. The table goes quiet again for around twenty seconds. Then the glass moves to  'YES' so we count and wait for movement. Luke signifies that their are 5 spirits at the house and they are all female two of whom our guest is related to and the others are former residents at the house. 
The guest himself confirms ladies names that the spirit agrees with after a list of false names and real names are mixed and said in a list.
We decide to take a break. 
 (during the review of my camcorder footage there were many single clicks on the gauss meter and also large readings at times. A rooms standard reading is 0.1mg but I had readings of 10mg. With the strange noises on my camcorder audio as well as the dictaphone, there seems to have been activity caught but not identified.)

During the break I am alone on the kitchen. I decide to speak quietly but out loud to any  spirit. "If you can hear my voice please look at how many fingers I am holding up." I hold up three fingers on my right hand. "I will ask my team to ask you how many fingers I held up". I thought it was worth a shot since the answer could be between one and ten.

SESSION 2: Large Machine Room.
We do protection again just in case as well as helping to build energies in the room. 
The gauss meter starts to click now and again throughout the session. We try table tipping. The five of us lightly place our finger tips on the table. I feel my legs getting cold which is a good sign of spirit approaching according to some. Kevin feels someone touch his head and Matt says that he felt someone prod his back.  We sit patiently waiting for the table to work until our patience is wearing thin. So Si whistles half a tune hoping for a whistle back. The gauss clicks hurriedly then stops. Silence. It can be frustrating at times but we don't really understand how hard is it for spirit to do things. 
We ask if the glass should be used instead. "give us a sign if you want us to go back to the glass, a click or something"
The meter goes "click...click.... Click, click,click,click"
We put the glass on the table and the glass moves straight away. 
Sue leads communication. "Is this Luke?". 'NO'
"Is this Norman?".  'NO'
"Is this Grandad Bill?".  'NO'
"Is this David?".  'YES'
"Hello David, is it nice to have us back?".  'YES'
"Can you move the glass around the edges of the table?".  He does.
"Was it you who touched Kevin's head?". 'YES'
"And Matt's back?" 'YES'
"Did you touch them because they are new?".  'YES'
"Have you missed us?".  'YES'
"How many spirits are with us now?". The answer comes at 7.
I take my finger off the glass for the next experiment. 
"Chris says he held up an amount of  fingers in the kitchen, if you saw him, how many was he holding up?...1?...2?...3?" the glass moved to yes and they all looked at me. 
"Correct" I said. 
I start to confirm details. 
"Am I right in remembering that your name is David Smith?".  'YES' (a very strong movement by the glass).
"Do you have a dog here with you?" (a dog has been heard, and felt since we started to frequent this building.) 'YES'
Matt feels a cold spot on his legs. "Was that your dog?" he asks.  'YES'
"Can you get your dog to come and walk passed our legs again?".  'YES'
My calves feel colder. I actually start to shiver because the temperature has dropped around my legs. 
"Please take the glass to the nearest side of the table to where your dog is"
The glass moves to my edge. 
Matt asks "Will you get your dog to sit next to my legs?"
Matt feels it touch his legs. "It's as if it's sat next to me with it's head on my lap!"
"I pictured your dog as a jet black dog, is that right?". 'NO'
Si says "I always pictured it as a black and White collie, I don't know why".  'YES'
Matt says "Does your dog have a White face?". 'YES'
Sue says "Can your dog lick Matts hand?" 
First Matt feels something on his leg and then his hand. Matt insists that the dog has its head on his lap again. 
We go through the alphabet to find the name of the dog. Once we find out that it begins with R we thrown out names as a guess. Sue is correct when she says Rosie.
Even Sue is a little surprised at being right first guess. The name popped into her head. This is common practice when doing this work. We seem to have names or questions pop into our heads and we just say them. Sometimes it's nothing and the spirit tells you that you're wrong. Other times you are correct but don't know where you plucked the information from. It is suggested that the spirit is putting it your head. In the cold light of day this does seem far fetched but during an investigation it does seem to prove real. The other option of course is that everyone is psychic to a degree and focusing on communication that intently that we tap into the energy. All I can say is it happens a lot and people 'guess' right to such a  degree that wild guesses seem unlikely. None of our team (as I speak) claim to be  psychic though. 

Behind us the torch that we have set down turns on and shines on us. 
After thirty seconds or so it goes off so Matt asks if it can be turned on again. The torch flashes for us. I ask if the torch will flash twice to show us it was spirit and although it only flashes dimly, it does it. 
"Does Luke prefer to talk to is downstairs?". 'YES'
Si asks about the activity downstairs earlier. 
"David, when we asked Luke about there being spirits at some of our houses it all went still, did Luke actually go to our homes and look?". There was no reply but on the table the gauss meter clicks repeatedly. 
Si feels like his chair was pushed. 
Si continues , "is it easier for you to visit places you knew in life?".  'YES'
"please light up a piece of equipment again" the torch shines brightly again as the glass gets faster and spins in large circles on the table. 
Si asks, "did you emigrate to Australia?". 'YES'
"Is Rosie from Australia?". 'YES'
I ask "were you married?".  'YES'
"Did you have children? If so please move the glass from the middle of the table and touch my hand for how many " I put my hand on the edge of the table. The glass moves to my hand and then away and then touches and then away and stops. 
"Two, is that right?".  'YES'
"Two Boys?".  'YES'
"Once you were in Australia, did you stay there?". 'YES'
"Did you die in Australia?". 'YES'
"David, is it ok for us to ask you questions about your passing?".  'YES'
We continue asking questions about what year he died and reach 1973 for when he died. 
Matt believes that he saw a dog at the top of the stairs. So he asks out
"Has Rosie just been there?". 'YES'
I continue "Do your boys still live in this area?". 'YES'
The glass starts to roll around the rim. It is quite a strange sight and so we ask that this movement is to be a signature of sorts for us to know it's David when he comes through. 
"We are told that spirits prefer for it to be dark when using the glass, is that true?". 'NO'
"so you can do it with the lights on?" 'YES'
"can we turn the lights on then?". 'YES'
I go and turn the lights on. 
"David, are you still there?". 'YES'
"Please do your rim movement again". The glass rolls on it's rim again. 
"Can all spirits move the glass in light?". 'YES'
"Do all spirits like to do communication in the dark?".  'YES'
 We ask David if he wants to try using the ghost box. He says yes but as much as we try the results are unsatisfactory. 
Time for another break.


SESSION 3: plate room. 
We sit in the smallest room so far around a table with the glass active at first, hoping to do some table tipping. 
"is there anyone here with us?".the glass moves to NO. "Very funny...who is it?"
The glass rolls around on its rim. 
"David thats your little joke then is it?, can we do some table tipping with you please?". 'NO'
"Can you stand back then and let someone else in?". YES'
Si and Matt describe hearing a noise like the sound of a tv being left on but not being able to make out the words. Three of us all hear it and yet two of us don't hear a thing. 
But then we all hear a whistle by a male. I have to say it sent a shiver down my spine because I didn't expect it and I was happy everyone else heard it. 
As much as we try to get the table to work we are left with no option but to put the glass back on top. As expected the glass moves straight away again. 
What happens at this point becomes a little unsettling. We have a spirit communicating answering questions in an unconvincing manner. It seems like someone we don't recognise and even goes so far as to admit it is not who it says it is. We all decide that it would be safer to stop communication. We all regain control as a team and treat the spirit assertively by telling it that we are closing the circle and are leaving. 
There are noises heard and a little bit of an uneasy atmosphere as we pack up. 
We leave and lock up in complete darkness and even as I take a look back at the location and expect to see a face at the window, all I see is darkness. 
Which is even more strange when we return and find the lights on two days later. On four occasions in the following three weeks I see some lights are on when someone opens up. Are they all human error? I don't know at this point. 
This location still has questions to answer. 

Chris Whitehouse.