I visited a friend this afternoon who spoke of wanting to do something memorable in 2013. Having an interest which may lead him in to unfamiliar territories perhaps. I mentioned the book "round Ireland with a fridge" and we started to talk about us setting off together on a mini adventure next year. Basically its a case of having something to look back on in the future. I am interested in doing something that involves travel which I would never do on my own. The whole idea appeals to me greatly. Now we are brain storming places which we would like to visit. My son would be something I would have to work around though. Maybe we could start on Saturday nights first until Sunday evening and let the idea grow.
I think it could be a great idea that gets us both some good memories out of it.
Getting off the couch is something I would benefit from I'm sure.
Sunday, 30 December 2012
Saturday, 29 December 2012
Tiny improvements ...
I'm starting to drink more water before the new year even starts. This way I won't see it as a resolution. I resolve to keep off Facebook so much as I've already Instigated.
I will wander through this next year like a shadow. I will bathe in myself and my son only.
Or to put it another way, I will block other people's shitty opinions and only listen to my own shitty opinions. With moisturising here and there and letting my hair grow a little longer, I hope to retake a little 'youth' back in to my look. If it doesn't work then fuck it.
I love this cave which I created for my existence and along with not having been sick all year, I also didn't have any drama or self loathing. A result.
More sleep and more water should improve my year vastly.
It's an awesome time to be me right now.
I will wander through this next year like a shadow. I will bathe in myself and my son only.
Or to put it another way, I will block other people's shitty opinions and only listen to my own shitty opinions. With moisturising here and there and letting my hair grow a little longer, I hope to retake a little 'youth' back in to my look. If it doesn't work then fuck it.
I love this cave which I created for my existence and along with not having been sick all year, I also didn't have any drama or self loathing. A result.
More sleep and more water should improve my year vastly.
It's an awesome time to be me right now.
My body, the prison.
I sat down to watch something as mundane as Coldplay MX world tour documentary and during the concerts build up I connected with the build up of the intro music. The crowds excitement swelled with anticipation as I saw their faces light up as the first song started.
I actually shivered as tears swelled but didn't fall. The concert goers who were daubed in fluorescent make up let all there enjoyment show.
And there came my realisation.....I cannot SHOW my emotions. I mean the tears welled and I held them back but in my life, I don't allow myself to express physically. Why? Because I'd be in tears all the time. I stand like a statue at gigs and try not to laugh out loud at films or comedians for example.
It's as if the feelings are Too much for me to harness.
Ironically the first Coldplay song was Hurts Like Heaven which I read as a song about this kind of thing among other things, but then we bring to the song our own meanings.
But the problem was identified , I struggle to SHOW not FEEL as has been my understanding in the past until my son was born and I realised that I can love my child freely.
It's like there's hurt in me as well as joy but they are intertwined. I cannot seperate joy and pain. I think I finally allow myself to be self critical enough to say that my teenage pains especially were invented , but this fact also makes me sad that that element is in me.
All this makes me feel so small.
This post is a tiny splinter which will be lost in the forest which is the Internet.
"Lost like tears in the rain" as they say on BLADERUNNER.
My voice is useless to most, but to my son its important of course and that is all it takes to make my life have purpose.
I feel trapped in my own body in so many ways, whether it is this struggle to emote or to love freely, or how plain I look, or how uninteresting I am etc. my physical body can't even do the activities which I enjoy doing, such as drawing or writing. I do draw and write anyway obviously but when others do it, its done better.
My body is the prison, not my mind or my dreams.
I actually shivered as tears swelled but didn't fall. The concert goers who were daubed in fluorescent make up let all there enjoyment show.
And there came my realisation.....I cannot SHOW my emotions. I mean the tears welled and I held them back but in my life, I don't allow myself to express physically. Why? Because I'd be in tears all the time. I stand like a statue at gigs and try not to laugh out loud at films or comedians for example.
It's as if the feelings are Too much for me to harness.
Ironically the first Coldplay song was Hurts Like Heaven which I read as a song about this kind of thing among other things, but then we bring to the song our own meanings.
But the problem was identified , I struggle to SHOW not FEEL as has been my understanding in the past until my son was born and I realised that I can love my child freely.
It's like there's hurt in me as well as joy but they are intertwined. I cannot seperate joy and pain. I think I finally allow myself to be self critical enough to say that my teenage pains especially were invented , but this fact also makes me sad that that element is in me.
All this makes me feel so small.
This post is a tiny splinter which will be lost in the forest which is the Internet.
"Lost like tears in the rain" as they say on BLADERUNNER.
My voice is useless to most, but to my son its important of course and that is all it takes to make my life have purpose.
I feel trapped in my own body in so many ways, whether it is this struggle to emote or to love freely, or how plain I look, or how uninteresting I am etc. my physical body can't even do the activities which I enjoy doing, such as drawing or writing. I do draw and write anyway obviously but when others do it, its done better.
My body is the prison, not my mind or my dreams.
Friday, 28 December 2012
Post Christmas Day.
I've had a number of days with my son and its felt non stop. Although other than go to a second Christmas Day do, all we've done is play make believe, watch films and play systematically with new presents.
Actually since starting this entry we ventured to Leeds and bought further superhero villain toys to use in our games. I'd lost track of days and thought that tomorrow was a full day and a sleep with him again but he's going home for a day and a half at dinner. His mum hasn't seem him for days with her working, that can't have felt good for her.
But he and I had the best time so it's been great for us. Tiring though.
I believe we have plans to go to a museum before he goes home and then I have two films to watch at the cinema. It's been a great break actually and maybe the new year will arrive without upset.
The new year will see me become more invisible than this year and I believe even happier because of it.
Actually since starting this entry we ventured to Leeds and bought further superhero villain toys to use in our games. I'd lost track of days and thought that tomorrow was a full day and a sleep with him again but he's going home for a day and a half at dinner. His mum hasn't seem him for days with her working, that can't have felt good for her.
But he and I had the best time so it's been great for us. Tiring though.
I believe we have plans to go to a museum before he goes home and then I have two films to watch at the cinema. It's been a great break actually and maybe the new year will arrive without upset.
The new year will see me become more invisible than this year and I believe even happier because of it.
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Christmas Day 2012
My Christmas Day started with waking up alone and going downstairs to put on Black Ops 2 at 8am. The idea being that ill be playing all the people who have only just got it and that will ensure me to get the most points and progress faster. I played for three hours before pulling myself off it and going to my mums. I was there before midday and the yearly guests still hadn't arrived.
Family members grew and the space in the front room became less and the anxiety that I felt also grew. As further members landed in the afternoon and I shrunk further into my chair, I began to feel tense. I feel the loneliest in crowds strangely. When I finally left and drove home, as much as I enjoy spending Christmases at my mums obviously, it felt a relief to be alone and in safe company. This scenario covers my whole life. One on one is fine with me and more than that, the worse it gets.
But it's only once a year and I'm not knocking it. I'm just sharing the anxiety with you.
But I've had a pleasent Christmas Day which was rounded off with Black Ops again. I came first as planned. Whoopee.
Tomorrow is when I collect my son and have a second family gathering with a crowd which is smaller and made of closer members of my family. That is my true Christmas Day.
Family members grew and the space in the front room became less and the anxiety that I felt also grew. As further members landed in the afternoon and I shrunk further into my chair, I began to feel tense. I feel the loneliest in crowds strangely. When I finally left and drove home, as much as I enjoy spending Christmases at my mums obviously, it felt a relief to be alone and in safe company. This scenario covers my whole life. One on one is fine with me and more than that, the worse it gets.
But it's only once a year and I'm not knocking it. I'm just sharing the anxiety with you.
But I've had a pleasent Christmas Day which was rounded off with Black Ops again. I came first as planned. Whoopee.
Tomorrow is when I collect my son and have a second family gathering with a crowd which is smaller and made of closer members of my family. That is my true Christmas Day.
Monday, 24 December 2012
Xmas Eve and the best of both worlds.
I thought I had set my alarm clock for the last time on Friday but I had to collect my son from his mums as she was working Xmas eve. He got into the van in his pyjamas but under his coat.
When we arrived home we played superheroes and made three different masks while he made a Xmas card for his mum. We did a lot of play fighting as rival heroes as some sort of way to vent our excitement. We watched a lot of Netflix as the morning turned afternoon and we played quite a lot of iPod too. After three pm I picked up his brother and sister and well went to the local pub which is the only real option when there is four of us.
It was great to be with them all as its not often I see more than one of them at a time. I liked seeing how my step kids and my son interacted with each other. I was pleasantly surprised.
We had to stand for the two hours pub visit as all the tables were booked for eating.
I dropped off my presents to my step kids at their house and set off home after once again explaining to my boy that I'd ring him in the morning.
Although I don't see him on Christmas Day, I will be having him for four days straight afterwards.
It's 10:35 on Xmas eve and I'm alone. .....I'm just saying , not complaining.
Its just another day right? I've been playing B Ops 2 up until level 41 so its not all bad.
I guess I better be asleep by the time Santa comes. Goodnight. I
When we arrived home we played superheroes and made three different masks while he made a Xmas card for his mum. We did a lot of play fighting as rival heroes as some sort of way to vent our excitement. We watched a lot of Netflix as the morning turned afternoon and we played quite a lot of iPod too. After three pm I picked up his brother and sister and well went to the local pub which is the only real option when there is four of us.
It was great to be with them all as its not often I see more than one of them at a time. I liked seeing how my step kids and my son interacted with each other. I was pleasantly surprised.
We had to stand for the two hours pub visit as all the tables were booked for eating.
I dropped off my presents to my step kids at their house and set off home after once again explaining to my boy that I'd ring him in the morning.
Although I don't see him on Christmas Day, I will be having him for four days straight afterwards.
It's 10:35 on Xmas eve and I'm alone. .....I'm just saying , not complaining.
Its just another day right? I've been playing B Ops 2 up until level 41 so its not all bad.
I guess I better be asleep by the time Santa comes. Goodnight. I
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Christmas Eve's eve 2012.
It's Christmas Eve eve and I spent the first half of the day watching some tv stuff such as the pilot movie of Warehouse 13 and then listened to podcasts as I cleaned my house top to bottom. Because I have my son from very early in the morning I indulged in stuff that I won't be doing such as Black Ops 2 and also Terminator 3.
In the afternoon I met my mate for a ghost investigation at his friends home.
There was a complaint of clothes being tugged and a general sense of unease. The female occupant felt one attic room in particular was odd and she had once ran out if it.
Upon looking at it, the roof beams and general shape of the converging ceiling parts gave it a look as if it was hanging over you and that probably constituted the feeling of oppression.
We did protection and an EVP session which came up with nothing on review.
The Ouija board communicated quite quickly though. The spirit was a lady called Mary who had moved in to the house in 1940 and had lived there for 35 years. She had no problem with the new tenants but didn't like the previous ones. Mary wasn't keen on the renovations which were going on but I reassured her that the occupants wanted to bring it back to its original look and surely that was good.
Mary requested that brown curtains be out up instead if the blinds at the windows. The home owner agreed to do this as a compromise for sharing the home in a respectful manner.
It was a relatively short session but a very friendly and amicable exchange between living and dead tenants.
I sometimes forget how unusual it is to spend my time this way.
The breezes I experienced in the closed on room were the strongest I've felt so far during these sessions. Mary agreed to stay hidden from the kids which was good.
I went home and reviewed the evidence and sketched out my write up.
So now I can return to Black Ops 2 before bed.
The fun all starts tomorrow.
In the afternoon I met my mate for a ghost investigation at his friends home.
There was a complaint of clothes being tugged and a general sense of unease. The female occupant felt one attic room in particular was odd and she had once ran out if it.
Upon looking at it, the roof beams and general shape of the converging ceiling parts gave it a look as if it was hanging over you and that probably constituted the feeling of oppression.
We did protection and an EVP session which came up with nothing on review.
The Ouija board communicated quite quickly though. The spirit was a lady called Mary who had moved in to the house in 1940 and had lived there for 35 years. She had no problem with the new tenants but didn't like the previous ones. Mary wasn't keen on the renovations which were going on but I reassured her that the occupants wanted to bring it back to its original look and surely that was good.
Mary requested that brown curtains be out up instead if the blinds at the windows. The home owner agreed to do this as a compromise for sharing the home in a respectful manner.
It was a relatively short session but a very friendly and amicable exchange between living and dead tenants.
I sometimes forget how unusual it is to spend my time this way.
The breezes I experienced in the closed on room were the strongest I've felt so far during these sessions. Mary agreed to stay hidden from the kids which was good.
I went home and reviewed the evidence and sketched out my write up.
So now I can return to Black Ops 2 before bed.
The fun all starts tomorrow.
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Fri/sat in December.
Well it would appear that the world and all existence didn't disappear up its own arsehole. Strike off another religious sect as bollocks talkers.
Meanwhile in the real world......
My last day of work and my sons last day at school was celebrated by us high five ing and playing with superhero figures at our leisure. We both kicked back and relaxed in the knowledge there would be no more early mornings for a week or so.
After my time with him was up I decided not to go to the cinema and actually watch some Sky recordings and play Black Ops 2 and Gears Of War 3 until I was tired enough to go to my bed, which I sit in now at 11:41pm. I feel that i should stay up till midnight each night to make the most of my holidays. I've stayed off Facebook etc on the whole and its been refreshing. I'm sure there are people who are lonely at Christmas but I simply am not one of them. It's blissful living on my own even at Christmas.
I plan to have a thorough clean tomorrow while I listen to podcasts through my new Denon headphones. In the afternoon my friend and I are visiting a local house to see if they have a ghost. I hole that goes well although I feel awkward being selected as seperate from the rest of the team. There was an investigation last night which I was left out of. That's fine by me but also has the knock on effect of making me realise how little I'm in the mood for it at this Christmas period.
I know that I will enjoy it when I'm there.
Meanwhile in the real world......
My last day of work and my sons last day at school was celebrated by us high five ing and playing with superhero figures at our leisure. We both kicked back and relaxed in the knowledge there would be no more early mornings for a week or so.
After my time with him was up I decided not to go to the cinema and actually watch some Sky recordings and play Black Ops 2 and Gears Of War 3 until I was tired enough to go to my bed, which I sit in now at 11:41pm. I feel that i should stay up till midnight each night to make the most of my holidays. I've stayed off Facebook etc on the whole and its been refreshing. I'm sure there are people who are lonely at Christmas but I simply am not one of them. It's blissful living on my own even at Christmas.
I plan to have a thorough clean tomorrow while I listen to podcasts through my new Denon headphones. In the afternoon my friend and I are visiting a local house to see if they have a ghost. I hole that goes well although I feel awkward being selected as seperate from the rest of the team. There was an investigation last night which I was left out of. That's fine by me but also has the knock on effect of making me realise how little I'm in the mood for it at this Christmas period.
I know that I will enjoy it when I'm there.
Thursday, 20 December 2012
It's the end of the world and we know it (isn't)
The word which is everywhere today is that the Mayan calendar stops because this ancient religious group predict that today is the apocalypse.
I have lived through many predicted doomsday prophesies so far including Mother Shiptons and Nostradamus who interestingly gave more than one.
It seems like as good a day as any to stage the final showdown but I wonder if tomorrow will have Mayans rushing to the shops to buy all the Christmas presents which they didn't bother buying. It would seem new calendars are top of the present list.
I think seeing the end of the earth would be a privilege, much the same as seeing the creation of the earth during the Big Bang.
I have only these words to express if they are right:
"I love my son".
I have lived through many predicted doomsday prophesies so far including Mother Shiptons and Nostradamus who interestingly gave more than one.
It seems like as good a day as any to stage the final showdown but I wonder if tomorrow will have Mayans rushing to the shops to buy all the Christmas presents which they didn't bother buying. It would seem new calendars are top of the present list.
I think seeing the end of the earth would be a privilege, much the same as seeing the creation of the earth during the Big Bang.
I have only these words to express if they are right:
"I love my son".
The closing year..
It's been a harder push to complete the final working week of the year. I guess this is how Ranolph Fiennes felt after climbing THAT mountain.....actually it probably wasn't quite as hard as that.
Anyway, the last day is tomorrow. I've only taken one day off this year and so it will make a nice change. I took my son on the school run this morning and he had his school party to look forward to. I don't know where the running gag of his comes from, he keeps saying he had a dream about a sexy lady putting her bum in his face. Weird. I'm not sure if he's kidding.
Black Ops 2 is all consuming and before I know it my thumbs ache.
I had to go to Home Bargains today for work and I happened to look at toys even though I'd finished Xmas shopping. I found THE FLASH figure along with THOR and GREEN LANTERN for such a small price that I bought six more presents for my son and it only came to eleven quid. He will be so happy and so I will be happy too.
My spirits remain high by my new quietness and keeping to myself. If I was the last man on earth, then I would be at peace. I plan to put my written dairy in first place next year and so my blog may or may not lessen in its updates, we'll see.
This year has been a record year for my watching films and the total is currently over 300 and still going.
Really,I need to turn the tv off once a week and read.
Anyway, the last day is tomorrow. I've only taken one day off this year and so it will make a nice change. I took my son on the school run this morning and he had his school party to look forward to. I don't know where the running gag of his comes from, he keeps saying he had a dream about a sexy lady putting her bum in his face. Weird. I'm not sure if he's kidding.
Black Ops 2 is all consuming and before I know it my thumbs ache.
I had to go to Home Bargains today for work and I happened to look at toys even though I'd finished Xmas shopping. I found THE FLASH figure along with THOR and GREEN LANTERN for such a small price that I bought six more presents for my son and it only came to eleven quid. He will be so happy and so I will be happy too.
My spirits remain high by my new quietness and keeping to myself. If I was the last man on earth, then I would be at peace. I plan to put my written dairy in first place next year and so my blog may or may not lessen in its updates, we'll see.
This year has been a record year for my watching films and the total is currently over 300 and still going.
Really,I need to turn the tv off once a week and read.
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Happy sort of birthday.
This blog is kinda two and a half years old.
That even shocked me if I'm honest. Readers pass through during their own lives as keywords crop up which the search engines match from my blogs.
I think having the surname WHITEHOUSE sends traffic my way often.
As I writer without the talent to write, I find this place a healthy and much needed place to unburden anything I like.
I try and put things honestly on here but even I am only 90% giving over the real versions of my thoughts.
I still maintain that Facebook got big from reading other people's mundane nonsense and so stand by my mundane blog entries.
I find other people's thoughts Interesting and so believe that the less you know me, the more interesting these entries will be.
Thanks for reading.
That even shocked me if I'm honest. Readers pass through during their own lives as keywords crop up which the search engines match from my blogs.
I think having the surname WHITEHOUSE sends traffic my way often.
As I writer without the talent to write, I find this place a healthy and much needed place to unburden anything I like.
I try and put things honestly on here but even I am only 90% giving over the real versions of my thoughts.
I still maintain that Facebook got big from reading other people's mundane nonsense and so stand by my mundane blog entries.
I find other people's thoughts Interesting and so believe that the less you know me, the more interesting these entries will be.
Thanks for reading.
A change in resolution.
New Years resolutions? Usually I make none. But with quitting drinking and showing a surprising amount of restraint this year, it feels like anything else is achievable. I think it's perhaps more a case of Not dropping the ball in 2013.
Of course 2013 could contain a death or an illness which will rock my world and with each year passing that becomes ever more likely.
But until the cataclysmic event presents itself, it's business as usual.
I seem to have replaced alcohol with Sugar in puddings or sweets and human conversation with a wife/partner has become a stronger online presence on things such as The Book of Faces. I'd like to reduce my sugar intake as well as my social network postings. I don't include this blog as social networking as its not written for YOU and nobody gets in contact with me through it. This blog continues even without ever being read at times. It's a way of expelling my words and feelings. It's therapy.
These pages will begin to show that life and people change in slow increments. I'm not the person who wrote the first entry and I'll change in the years to come.
We continue to evolve......but it's getting BETTER that concerns me.
Of course 2013 could contain a death or an illness which will rock my world and with each year passing that becomes ever more likely.
But until the cataclysmic event presents itself, it's business as usual.
I seem to have replaced alcohol with Sugar in puddings or sweets and human conversation with a wife/partner has become a stronger online presence on things such as The Book of Faces. I'd like to reduce my sugar intake as well as my social network postings. I don't include this blog as social networking as its not written for YOU and nobody gets in contact with me through it. This blog continues even without ever being read at times. It's a way of expelling my words and feelings. It's therapy.
These pages will begin to show that life and people change in slow increments. I'm not the person who wrote the first entry and I'll change in the years to come.
We continue to evolve......but it's getting BETTER that concerns me.
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
To be truly free.
During our average of eighty years on this rock, we compete with each other to get a job, meet a partner and buy shit we don't really need. Religion pushes us apart rather than bind us together and we don't truly represent our truest thoughts openly to each other for fear of being judged.
I think the beauty of it all is that our lives are meaningless in the history of our universe. Our insignificance grants us a freedom to do something, everything or indeed nothing. If I embrace anything at all, then it's the freedom to be myself.
I hope you are free enough to do the same.
I think the beauty of it all is that our lives are meaningless in the history of our universe. Our insignificance grants us a freedom to do something, everything or indeed nothing. If I embrace anything at all, then it's the freedom to be myself.
I hope you are free enough to do the same.
Friday, 14 December 2012
Positivity, day one.
The freezing weather had caused the world to have a protective shield as I left the house for work. The worlds protective shield of ice made walking across my yard quiet easy and painless, however the two foot slope to my gate was misjudged and I would have been over on my arse, had I not slammed full bodied into the gate. The driving was just as bad but with it being so early in the morning, the cobbled street to work was empty of cars. I bounced the van off the curb twice and had to really push to get over the cobbled bridge. Unlocking works gate on a hill was a comical affair but again, no one saw.
I had a few deliveries dropped on me in the afternoon but I knew to take it in my stride and be ever appreciative that I had a works van at all.
This was the first test of my new positive attitude.
We shall see how it fairs on Sunday as I battle with pond scum at the White Rose Centre.
I had a few deliveries dropped on me in the afternoon but I knew to take it in my stride and be ever appreciative that I had a works van at all.
This was the first test of my new positive attitude.
We shall see how it fairs on Sunday as I battle with pond scum at the White Rose Centre.
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
New horizon.
After closing down my film show and deciding to help overlook the whole station, I wound up on Radioactive on Jam-Radio tonight reviewing films. I felt like I'd pushed in to be honest but I also enjoyed it too. The host wants me to return each week but I want freedom to come and go. I and my ghost team friend ring me for a catch up of news and locations etc too which was good.
I explained that I was trying to live a quiet life if possible with no distractions except for what I choose. We'll see how that works out eh?
The cold cold weather and the dark dark nights, hang over us all, like a disease which nips and claws at us.
I need to catch up on the rest which was stolen from me last night by the mistakes of the cinema.
Goodnight.
I explained that I was trying to live a quiet life if possible with no distractions except for what I choose. We'll see how that works out eh?
The cold cold weather and the dark dark nights, hang over us all, like a disease which nips and claws at us.
I need to catch up on the rest which was stolen from me last night by the mistakes of the cinema.
Goodnight.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Saturday morning
I do love Saturday mornings. My son woke up and watched iPad Netflix with me in my bed. Then we went to watch the cheap showing of Ice Age 4 but they had cancelled the showing as the film reel wasn't working. So we watched The Lorax instead. I enjoyed it more than the first time actually and it helped knowing how long was left. Since we were in town we looked around the toy shop and he wanted it all obviously. Currently we are watching an old Spider-Man vs Venom cartoon on Netflix whilst having sausage and mash.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Sunday, 9 December 2012
to try
I want to try and reprogrammed my mind and my expectations. I'm too fast to be look at what I haven't and over look what I have. If I need a goal at all, then let it be to learn to feel lucky. I want to enjoy my freedom with a fresh vigour. My son is happy and safe. My stepson even expressed that I had a job that paid my bills and gave me a vehicle and so that is enough. I agree. I don't need to alter that scenario. I merely need to appreciate it all again.
I will try and not be negative. I will try to see the good in things and hide from the bad.
I can't promise to succeed but I can promise to TRY.
I will try and not be negative. I will try to see the good in things and hide from the bad.
I can't promise to succeed but I can promise to TRY.
The dawn of spare time.
I have finally decided to no longer do my show for Jam-Radio each week. This has led me to feel that I want to commit to a different role at the station. If I'm not tied in to writing and recording each week, then I can perhaps be the glue that runs the whole station over all. Key words being Caretaker and Producer perhaps. I'm not sure what the role will become in reality but it frees me up actually whilst still holding on a position to be proud of and still feel I'm achieving something rather than going backwards.
Black Ops and Battlefield 3 have exhausted me today since I got home from Jam. I was there for five hours putting the final three shows of this year together. I can always take a show on in the future if I so decide. The fact that I won't have to write reviews unless I want to hasn't sunk in yet. I haven't gone to the cinema today because I've been on the Ps3 loads instead. I'm only really missing Alex Cross. Anyway I'm going to the preview of LIFE OF PI tomorrow so I don't need to go today.
I am looking forward to spending more time at home actually. I will have the time to watch more films I bet albeit at home.
I think I will become less of a presence on Facebook etc at least till Xmas and just submerge myself in my inner cave out of the way. I love my own company.
It's my stepsons 15th birthday today and we went to the cinema last night to see SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS. It was very good.
I've just turned the tv and PS3 off because I've been in it hours.
I'm milking the last of the days relaxation out if it.
Just sat (and writing this) and listening to music feels like a novelty. Having spare time to waste is a marvellous feeling.
I had a great weekend with my son although it left him clingy as he had to go and so he cried. Tiredness played a part too. He'll be fine now of course and the feeling was mutual. Xxxx.
Black Ops and Battlefield 3 have exhausted me today since I got home from Jam. I was there for five hours putting the final three shows of this year together. I can always take a show on in the future if I so decide. The fact that I won't have to write reviews unless I want to hasn't sunk in yet. I haven't gone to the cinema today because I've been on the Ps3 loads instead. I'm only really missing Alex Cross. Anyway I'm going to the preview of LIFE OF PI tomorrow so I don't need to go today.
I am looking forward to spending more time at home actually. I will have the time to watch more films I bet albeit at home.
I think I will become less of a presence on Facebook etc at least till Xmas and just submerge myself in my inner cave out of the way. I love my own company.
It's my stepsons 15th birthday today and we went to the cinema last night to see SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS. It was very good.
I've just turned the tv and PS3 off because I've been in it hours.
I'm milking the last of the days relaxation out if it.
Just sat (and writing this) and listening to music feels like a novelty. Having spare time to waste is a marvellous feeling.
I had a great weekend with my son although it left him clingy as he had to go and so he cried. Tiredness played a part too. He'll be fine now of course and the feeling was mutual. Xxxx.
Friday, 7 December 2012
Saving the world.
As the Christmas hits of yesteryear slowly start to infiltrate the radio playlist, the band Wizard sing about wishing it would be Christmas every day.
The reality of that would mean Christmas hits forever. This would be horrid and would drive me to pour concrete in my ear canals.
Having bought the time consuming Black Ops 2 this week I may have jumped in too soon as Battlefield 3 arrived from Lovefilm. I may as well just cross life off for the foreseeable future. The world needs saving, twice .. .and only officer Whitehouse can do it.
And then after that. Maybe the universe will need me in Halo 4.
Like I say, I'm busy.
The reality of that would mean Christmas hits forever. This would be horrid and would drive me to pour concrete in my ear canals.
Having bought the time consuming Black Ops 2 this week I may have jumped in too soon as Battlefield 3 arrived from Lovefilm. I may as well just cross life off for the foreseeable future. The world needs saving, twice .. .and only officer Whitehouse can do it.
And then after that. Maybe the universe will need me in Halo 4.
Like I say, I'm busy.
Thursday, 6 December 2012
6/12/12
I didn't turn the tv on until I had completed the most recent 3500 word write up for our ghost investigation. That was a massive tick off my list and then when I also finished playing Uncharted 3 campaign it left me with no excuse not to buy Black Ops 2.
My son and I read and played together and once he was in bed with a mini hot water bottle switched on the PS3. Many hours will be lost to this game.
As for today, I have to visit Jam-Radio and finish my links for Saturdays show.
My recent show featured a guest who linked that episode to his webpage and currently It's had fifty downloads. A part of me suspects that someone may be leading me on with the figures but I can't be sure. Just as I think of no longer doing it due to lack off listeners, my figures go sky high. Suspicious or am I being daft?
The cinema beckons tonight also if I can resist Black Ops 2 till I arrive back later. The beauty of it is I have to consider no other person in my decisions.
I emailed my newly discovered elder sister yesterday to just keep contact up. I imagine she's disappointed that my brothers and I aren't more 'in touch' as people. We aren't a close family as I've no doubt said before.
So this is a slightly historical moment. As I write this blog entry, there is no released HOBBIT film, but as of six days time there will be one at the cinema.
Life moves on and things change. You just have to embrace it a little.
My son and I read and played together and once he was in bed with a mini hot water bottle switched on the PS3. Many hours will be lost to this game.
As for today, I have to visit Jam-Radio and finish my links for Saturdays show.
My recent show featured a guest who linked that episode to his webpage and currently It's had fifty downloads. A part of me suspects that someone may be leading me on with the figures but I can't be sure. Just as I think of no longer doing it due to lack off listeners, my figures go sky high. Suspicious or am I being daft?
The cinema beckons tonight also if I can resist Black Ops 2 till I arrive back later. The beauty of it is I have to consider no other person in my decisions.
I emailed my newly discovered elder sister yesterday to just keep contact up. I imagine she's disappointed that my brothers and I aren't more 'in touch' as people. We aren't a close family as I've no doubt said before.
So this is a slightly historical moment. As I write this blog entry, there is no released HOBBIT film, but as of six days time there will be one at the cinema.
Life moves on and things change. You just have to embrace it a little.
Sunday, 2 December 2012
Self preservation above all
The nightmare happened again last night. I was back in a relationship and felt conflicted and trapped. I find these dreams unfair on my ex wife to be.
In real life we have no bother but in my dreams she is at her worst, stirring up my self hatred. I awake in a cold sweat and thankfully in an empty bed. Then I feel sad that the memory of being married has led to a 'nightmare' at all.
It all seems very over the top.
But it obviously has effected my very deeply. I am still sworn off relationships as I write this almost two years after the separation but that also brings with me thoughts of being ALONE forever until death.
But when I think hard about it, it's the more peaceful option.
I couldn't bear to lose my partner and this way I don't have to.
Even I think I'm strange.
I'm always running away from life that's my problem.
Self preservation is key.
In real life we have no bother but in my dreams she is at her worst, stirring up my self hatred. I awake in a cold sweat and thankfully in an empty bed. Then I feel sad that the memory of being married has led to a 'nightmare' at all.
It all seems very over the top.
But it obviously has effected my very deeply. I am still sworn off relationships as I write this almost two years after the separation but that also brings with me thoughts of being ALONE forever until death.
But when I think hard about it, it's the more peaceful option.
I couldn't bear to lose my partner and this way I don't have to.
Even I think I'm strange.
I'm always running away from life that's my problem.
Self preservation is key.
Xmas run up 2012
I made my son be the celebrity to turn on my Christmas lights in my house at the weekend. I gave him a proper introduction and everything. He was happy.
We also saw Santa Claus at the local Methodist church where my boy received a present which turned out to the sweets. "That's not a present" he said.
I recorded my radio show in a freezing studio and vocalised my thoughts on not continuing in the new year if I didn't have any listeners anyway. Its a lot of effort for nothing.
After that I picked up a local lad who has 'mediumstic' abilities and interviewed him at my house. He interested me and made it quite a rewarding process. I feel I'm networking and learning at the same time.
The cinema held my interest on a couple of trips too and listened to podcast en route so as to kill two birds with one stone.
I had a nice chat online with a friendly ex girlfriend. It always messes with my head a little but I also find it cathartic and rewarding in ways. Ill never get used to them talking about their current relationships though. I guess ill always feel possessive of my ex's, which is strange. I think I'm more possessive when I'm not with them.
It's good to have any contact at all though and I respect her.
I'm not sure I would like to be in his shoes though or how he's feel to know we were having these friendly conversations.
They are totally harmless chats but I know how they can make the other person feel.
I don't want that but then I've nothing to worry about.
I'm in a really good head place at the moment providing I'm left alone. Christmas will be good with my son and I relish the first day of the new year. A new page in a new diary. 2012 has been kind to me. But that also means upset is closer still as nothing stays the same forever. All I need is my son. He completes me.
We also saw Santa Claus at the local Methodist church where my boy received a present which turned out to the sweets. "That's not a present" he said.
I recorded my radio show in a freezing studio and vocalised my thoughts on not continuing in the new year if I didn't have any listeners anyway. Its a lot of effort for nothing.
After that I picked up a local lad who has 'mediumstic' abilities and interviewed him at my house. He interested me and made it quite a rewarding process. I feel I'm networking and learning at the same time.
The cinema held my interest on a couple of trips too and listened to podcast en route so as to kill two birds with one stone.
I had a nice chat online with a friendly ex girlfriend. It always messes with my head a little but I also find it cathartic and rewarding in ways. Ill never get used to them talking about their current relationships though. I guess ill always feel possessive of my ex's, which is strange. I think I'm more possessive when I'm not with them.
It's good to have any contact at all though and I respect her.
I'm not sure I would like to be in his shoes though or how he's feel to know we were having these friendly conversations.
They are totally harmless chats but I know how they can make the other person feel.
I don't want that but then I've nothing to worry about.
I'm in a really good head place at the moment providing I'm left alone. Christmas will be good with my son and I relish the first day of the new year. A new page in a new diary. 2012 has been kind to me. But that also means upset is closer still as nothing stays the same forever. All I need is my son. He completes me.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
The Void 4
Dear The Void,
Last night as I watched Silver Linings Playbook, the film felt like it was giving new cuddle. It was like a voice telling me I was doing fine and to be proud of my recovery from the abyss.
But it came at a price.
I realised as I sat staring at the screen, that I physically would have liked a cuddle whilst being told "it's all going to be ok" .
I grew up in a family devoid of such overflowing acts of emotional support. I never knew any different until a succession of girlfriends pointed out that my family never hugged or kissed goodbye as we visited each other.
I am known as being a less than reassuring partner when it comes to affection of any kind and how often stated "I don't get anything from it and don't know what others get from it that I don't"
Cold
Living alone has massive benefits as regards happiness or rather 'lack of shit bits' which bring you down on a weekly basis.
But I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be hugged.
Now it's been two years since received such a hug and even the I wouldn't like to have probed what derogatory thoughts had gone through the givers head but nonetheless it had been nice enough..... Followed by my thought "alright get off now!"
But yes, for that moment I missed it.
I guess it made me a little sad whilst I prepared my two hot water bottles for my bed since they are used to keep me warm through the night much like a physical lady person used to.
Oh well. It's a small price to pay.
If loneliness does follow in the Christmas weeks to come then I only have to walk round Asda and listen to the men being put down by their partners to remember why I'm doing this.
Last night as I watched Silver Linings Playbook, the film felt like it was giving new cuddle. It was like a voice telling me I was doing fine and to be proud of my recovery from the abyss.
But it came at a price.
I realised as I sat staring at the screen, that I physically would have liked a cuddle whilst being told "it's all going to be ok" .
I grew up in a family devoid of such overflowing acts of emotional support. I never knew any different until a succession of girlfriends pointed out that my family never hugged or kissed goodbye as we visited each other.
I am known as being a less than reassuring partner when it comes to affection of any kind and how often stated "I don't get anything from it and don't know what others get from it that I don't"
Cold
Living alone has massive benefits as regards happiness or rather 'lack of shit bits' which bring you down on a weekly basis.
But I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be hugged.
Now it's been two years since received such a hug and even the I wouldn't like to have probed what derogatory thoughts had gone through the givers head but nonetheless it had been nice enough..... Followed by my thought "alright get off now!"
But yes, for that moment I missed it.
I guess it made me a little sad whilst I prepared my two hot water bottles for my bed since they are used to keep me warm through the night much like a physical lady person used to.
Oh well. It's a small price to pay.
If loneliness does follow in the Christmas weeks to come then I only have to walk round Asda and listen to the men being put down by their partners to remember why I'm doing this.
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
Keeping Control
I rushed out of work and headed to the cinema for a double bill. I got snarled up in works traffic en route and tried not to stress. I was only going to see Nativity 2: danger in the manger, after all.
I had taken a change of clothes in a bag but at the last minute had decided it would use valuable time.
I mostly managed to stop worrying how scruffy I looked in my inky clothes by hoping that staff would recognise my face.
But the real problem was that once I'd taken my front row seat, I could smell my chemical splashed clothes and if I could smell it then surely others would. Most of the time I don't notice the smell until I've had a shower and pick up my work stuff.
I bated with the embarrassment and hugged my jacket closed through the films.
Nativity 2 was adequate and I left straight away to sit in Silver Linings Playbook. This film had me from the start. Bradley Cooper is bipolar and has emotional/anger issues to do with his wife.
I connected with his character in a lot of ways. Therapy, a twisted sense of reality and no filter on what he said.
Jennifer Lawrence enters the film and captivated me also. Sheridan and said things which I also bought into and the whole film seemed to echo a certain 'lost' time in my life as I hit rock bottom.
I've since sprung up again but I've had to work at it alone.
It evoked a phase that has passed but also possibly lurks around every corner. I fe in love again (or for the first time) with Lawrence's character and it effected me so deeply that I dreamt about meeting a girl and wanting to have a relationship with her.
I'll leave it at that.... It seems I'm still damaged on the inside but the key is that I forgive myself and accept it and that's how I remain in control.
I had taken a change of clothes in a bag but at the last minute had decided it would use valuable time.
I mostly managed to stop worrying how scruffy I looked in my inky clothes by hoping that staff would recognise my face.
But the real problem was that once I'd taken my front row seat, I could smell my chemical splashed clothes and if I could smell it then surely others would. Most of the time I don't notice the smell until I've had a shower and pick up my work stuff.
I bated with the embarrassment and hugged my jacket closed through the films.
Nativity 2 was adequate and I left straight away to sit in Silver Linings Playbook. This film had me from the start. Bradley Cooper is bipolar and has emotional/anger issues to do with his wife.
I connected with his character in a lot of ways. Therapy, a twisted sense of reality and no filter on what he said.
Jennifer Lawrence enters the film and captivated me also. Sheridan and said things which I also bought into and the whole film seemed to echo a certain 'lost' time in my life as I hit rock bottom.
I've since sprung up again but I've had to work at it alone.
It evoked a phase that has passed but also possibly lurks around every corner. I fe in love again (or for the first time) with Lawrence's character and it effected me so deeply that I dreamt about meeting a girl and wanting to have a relationship with her.
I'll leave it at that.... It seems I'm still damaged on the inside but the key is that I forgive myself and accept it and that's how I remain in control.
Sunday, 25 November 2012
Keeping my mind busy.
I started today off with a shower which invigorated my system into working. The steam got my mind working so that when I arrived at Jam Radio at ten AM, I was ready for my guest to record a show. It was lunch time before I finally arrived at the cinema which felt really late. The first film that I was in time for was GAMBIT which, in a word was dull.
I leapt out of the chair and into the lobby/bar area and began to write my review until END OF WATCH started. That film was much better even with the shit end.
The feeling that I was just trying to keep my mind occupied came back but I ignored it.
I drove home to the sounds of a movie podcast and bought some red bull which I had a strange craving for.
Once home I watched the last hour and a half of the four hour Documentary about 'a nightmare on elm street'. It's 9:46pm now and I've written a review or two towards my next show which will help out.
Sunday nights are possibly the loneliest of the nights each week. The problem being that there is no one I'd want to spend it with either who is female, obviously.
I thin its ok to admit that I looked at the alcohol in the shop as I bought red bull and coffee and I actually salivated. The feeling of being pissed is not something I've ever forgotten but neither is it a road I wish to walk.
I still have some writing to get in order before next Sunday so I need to concentrate on that first and foremost. ...infact there's no time like the present actually so that's what I'll try and do now.
I leapt out of the chair and into the lobby/bar area and began to write my review until END OF WATCH started. That film was much better even with the shit end.
The feeling that I was just trying to keep my mind occupied came back but I ignored it.
I drove home to the sounds of a movie podcast and bought some red bull which I had a strange craving for.
Once home I watched the last hour and a half of the four hour Documentary about 'a nightmare on elm street'. It's 9:46pm now and I've written a review or two towards my next show which will help out.
Sunday nights are possibly the loneliest of the nights each week. The problem being that there is no one I'd want to spend it with either who is female, obviously.
I thin its ok to admit that I looked at the alcohol in the shop as I bought red bull and coffee and I actually salivated. The feeling of being pissed is not something I've ever forgotten but neither is it a road I wish to walk.
I still have some writing to get in order before next Sunday so I need to concentrate on that first and foremost. ...infact there's no time like the present actually so that's what I'll try and do now.
Friday, 23 November 2012
Life on the light side
The Friday clocking out of work couldn't come soon enough today. Work was fine but it was great to have my afternoon. I walked round to the massage parlour next door, NOT for that, to discuss our ghost team investigating there in the new year. It was a different lady this time and do I left quickly, just leaving my contact details.
I called at Jam-Radio and edited my show for tomorrow. Before leaving I helped one of the bosses restructure a leaflet to promote show sponsorship. I seemed to be of some help which was good.
I picked up an Avengers advent calendar en route to get my son from school. I thought I was quite early but judging by how far from the school I had to park....I had been slow arriving.
My little boys excited face is a highlight of my day every time I see him, which I have to admit is more often than many dads see their offspring.
My own father actually said "Christmas is rubbish when there aren't young children to enjoy it too"
I just thought "fuck you too! Are we not worthy to make Xmas good now were adults" He is a bit of a pillock unfortunately.
Anyway.. I digress....
My son and I made a Hulk mask which he demanded be red.
The evening went by surprisingly quickly tonight.
He is sat enjoying Netflix in his new dressing gown and has his new mini hot water bottle to look forward to.
I have a dozen films to watch over the next week and also agreed to take my step daughter to see Twilight breaking dawn 2, even though I've seen it already. I have loads to write up after reviewing investigation evidence. I need to get to a straight edge in time for next weekends second interview with a medium.
It's good being so busy. I'm rather enjoying myself actually.
I called at Jam-Radio and edited my show for tomorrow. Before leaving I helped one of the bosses restructure a leaflet to promote show sponsorship. I seemed to be of some help which was good.
I picked up an Avengers advent calendar en route to get my son from school. I thought I was quite early but judging by how far from the school I had to park....I had been slow arriving.
My little boys excited face is a highlight of my day every time I see him, which I have to admit is more often than many dads see their offspring.
My own father actually said "Christmas is rubbish when there aren't young children to enjoy it too"
I just thought "fuck you too! Are we not worthy to make Xmas good now were adults" He is a bit of a pillock unfortunately.
Anyway.. I digress....
My son and I made a Hulk mask which he demanded be red.
The evening went by surprisingly quickly tonight.
He is sat enjoying Netflix in his new dressing gown and has his new mini hot water bottle to look forward to.
I have a dozen films to watch over the next week and also agreed to take my step daughter to see Twilight breaking dawn 2, even though I've seen it already. I have loads to write up after reviewing investigation evidence. I need to get to a straight edge in time for next weekends second interview with a medium.
It's good being so busy. I'm rather enjoying myself actually.
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Thursday morning started off great with my little boy coming int my bed as my alarm went off and giving me a cuddle. The working day was long and grating but it passed quietly enough. I had to stay back to finish a job off and so I rushed some tea down as I prepared to go ghost hunting to a private house. It was a cold and blustery evening and a spiritually quiet one unfortunately.
All that's left is sleep. The weekend is here tomorrow and ill see my son again which is great.
I'm feeling a little happier than I was the other day. I don't need a woman after all.
All that's left is sleep. The weekend is here tomorrow and ill see my son again which is great.
I'm feeling a little happier than I was the other day. I don't need a woman after all.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
Time used well.
I had my evening become free last night so I set about tackling the latest investigation review and write up. After fifteen minutes I heard a spirit voice copy my friend but in a different voice, and in a whisper. I was excited about that enough but then later there was a loud HELLO out of nowhere which was clear on the recording but not at the time. We carry on speaking as if nothing had been shouted, because we never heard it.
The whole writing process was a lot easier due to my notes on the night. Unfortunately as I jumped up to ring my team mate, I broke my headphones and they were only a few months old. Gutted. But it's too late now... Move on.
I emailed the clips to team mates and didn't get responses as they were not on Facebook which was annoying for me as I was so excited about the clips.
So hopefully today, someone will share their thoughts.
I only have a third left to go through and that was a very eventful section of the night so I look forward to that. I have my son tonight though so I plan to squeeze a film in after he's in bed.
Tackling the write up straight away was a definite plus and I shall do that in future as it makes things run smoother.
I need to stay ahead of my dictaphone recordings especially as I'm doing the medium interviews too. I awoke with a spring in my step this morning as if I'd achieved something. It kind of washed any ideas of sorry for myself solitude away as I had produced something with my time.
The whole radio programme thing is hanging in doubt as I consider jacking it in after Xmas.. But I may feel differently soon.
The whole writing process was a lot easier due to my notes on the night. Unfortunately as I jumped up to ring my team mate, I broke my headphones and they were only a few months old. Gutted. But it's too late now... Move on.
I emailed the clips to team mates and didn't get responses as they were not on Facebook which was annoying for me as I was so excited about the clips.
So hopefully today, someone will share their thoughts.
I only have a third left to go through and that was a very eventful section of the night so I look forward to that. I have my son tonight though so I plan to squeeze a film in after he's in bed.
Tackling the write up straight away was a definite plus and I shall do that in future as it makes things run smoother.
I need to stay ahead of my dictaphone recordings especially as I'm doing the medium interviews too. I awoke with a spring in my step this morning as if I'd achieved something. It kind of washed any ideas of sorry for myself solitude away as I had produced something with my time.
The whole radio programme thing is hanging in doubt as I consider jacking it in after Xmas.. But I may feel differently soon.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Mid Movember 2012
My return to the ghost team included my friends coming to see what we did. The evening had some interesting evidence come for us and seemed to contain our first 'crossing over' of a spirit. As I write that I feel conscious that it didn't really happen but I have to say it all went how as would have expected to. Spirits moving into the light is something we've seen on tv etc but as I said , genuinely , the whole process correlated in the correct order and the glass did as it should.
It was a big step for us as a team. I tried my best to merge gently back into the team but to be honest, I guess I just pretty much fell back into my normal role.
The morning came and it wasn't long until I had to meet my first interviewee.
So I spent two hours discussing the spirit world and mediumship etc.
it was pretty heavy stuff for early on a Sunday morning.
I headed straight to cineworld after to see TWILIGHT Breaking Dawn 2. ...Meh!
Then it was home to Uncharted 3 for hours.
I rounded off the evening with 'Funny People'
It's 11:21pm now.
Another day which I'll never get back.
At least I did the interview thing so I feel I accomplished something with my day.
I don't know if I feel lonely tonight. In theory I might , but if I was with a real person , then I'd want them to go again. But a 'film' version of a partner would be nice right now.
Someone who genuinely liked me and understood my personality problems.
Some days I catch my reflection in the mirror and I don't recognise the thin haired old face staring back at me. I also wonder what will become of me. ...living alone, dying alone. Have I chose this life or is it something that just has to happen this way?
It was a big step for us as a team. I tried my best to merge gently back into the team but to be honest, I guess I just pretty much fell back into my normal role.
The morning came and it wasn't long until I had to meet my first interviewee.
So I spent two hours discussing the spirit world and mediumship etc.
it was pretty heavy stuff for early on a Sunday morning.
I headed straight to cineworld after to see TWILIGHT Breaking Dawn 2. ...Meh!
Then it was home to Uncharted 3 for hours.
I rounded off the evening with 'Funny People'
It's 11:21pm now.
Another day which I'll never get back.
At least I did the interview thing so I feel I accomplished something with my day.
I don't know if I feel lonely tonight. In theory I might , but if I was with a real person , then I'd want them to go again. But a 'film' version of a partner would be nice right now.
Someone who genuinely liked me and understood my personality problems.
Some days I catch my reflection in the mirror and I don't recognise the thin haired old face staring back at me. I also wonder what will become of me. ...living alone, dying alone. Have I chose this life or is it something that just has to happen this way?
Sunday, 18 November 2012
If times a great healer, why doesn't it heal my face?
My return to the ghost team included my friends coming to see what we did. The evening had some interesting evidence come for us and seemed to contain our first 'crossing over' of a spirit. As I write that I feel conscious that it didn't really happen but I have to say it all went how as would have expected to. Spirits moving into the light is something we've seen on tv etc but as I said , genuinely , the whole process correlated in the correct order and the glass did as it should.
It was a big step for us as a team. I tried my best to merge gently back into the team but to be honest, I guess I just pretty much fell back into my normal role.
The morning came and it wasn't long until I had to meet my first interviewee.
So I spent two hours discussing the spirit world and mediumship etc.
it was pretty heavy stuff for early on a Sunday morning.
I headed straight to cineworld after to see TWILIGHT Breaking Dawn 2. ...Meh!
Then it was home to Uncharted 3 for hours.
I rounded off the evening with 'Funny People'
It's 11:21pm now.
Another day which I'll never get back.
At least I did the interview thing so I feel I accomplished something with my day.
I don't know if I feel lonely tonight. In theory I might , but if I was with a real person , then I'd want them to go again. But a 'film' version of a partner would be nice right now.
Someone who genuinely liked me and understood my personality problems.
Some days I catch my reflection in the mirror and I don't recognise the thin haired old face staring back at me.
It was a big step for us as a team. I tried my best to merge gently back into the team but to be honest, I guess I just pretty much fell back into my normal role.
The morning came and it wasn't long until I had to meet my first interviewee.
So I spent two hours discussing the spirit world and mediumship etc.
it was pretty heavy stuff for early on a Sunday morning.
I headed straight to cineworld after to see TWILIGHT Breaking Dawn 2. ...Meh!
Then it was home to Uncharted 3 for hours.
I rounded off the evening with 'Funny People'
It's 11:21pm now.
Another day which I'll never get back.
At least I did the interview thing so I feel I accomplished something with my day.
I don't know if I feel lonely tonight. In theory I might , but if I was with a real person , then I'd want them to go again. But a 'film' version of a partner would be nice right now.
Someone who genuinely liked me and understood my personality problems.
Some days I catch my reflection in the mirror and I don't recognise the thin haired old face staring back at me.
Saturday, 17 November 2012
Weekend plans...
The weekend has started. My son and I sit up in my bed and play on iPod and iPad until we are ready for the day. We both need haircuts this morning. I'm glad there aren't more things that we need to pay for such as if we had to pay for our toe nails cutting or our arse shampooing. (I don't know where that came from ! )
My son has a birthday party which his mum is now taking him to, which means he is home early. So I will have time to prepare for my return to ghost hunting. What was supposed to be my last time is now my return, how does that work?
The night will be a chance to show friends what I have up to for two years. The following morning is my first interview with a medium and therefore in the long run, possibly the worst presuming I will get better and refine it.
Following that is my trip to watch Twilight Breaking Dawn 2.
I had good news that I am being upgraded to get new deals at my cinema of choice. I don't pay extra for 3-D films anymore which means I can 'fill' with these films also as I wait for something I haven't seen to start.
I have a lot of writing to do but I am relishing it at the moment. As long as its through my choice then it's all good.
My son has a birthday party which his mum is now taking him to, which means he is home early. So I will have time to prepare for my return to ghost hunting. What was supposed to be my last time is now my return, how does that work?
The night will be a chance to show friends what I have up to for two years. The following morning is my first interview with a medium and therefore in the long run, possibly the worst presuming I will get better and refine it.
Following that is my trip to watch Twilight Breaking Dawn 2.
I had good news that I am being upgraded to get new deals at my cinema of choice. I don't pay extra for 3-D films anymore which means I can 'fill' with these films also as I wait for something I haven't seen to start.
I have a lot of writing to do but I am relishing it at the moment. As long as its through my choice then it's all good.
Thursday, 15 November 2012
The path of the righteous man.....
Today my own mortality seemed to be the go to subject of my mind. In 100 years ill be dead. You will be dead and so will all our children.
This puts my trivial thoughts and struggles in perspective.
Not achieved enough? So what?
Achieved loads? So what?
That is what keeps me awake at night mostly...the thought that I need to create something that can be quantified such as this blog. What use can this blog be to others? Well that never comes into it. I do it though a need to write candidly and express myself unjudged. And also it shows that I spent time writing it and attempting to make something to outlive me.
I think about what other friends my age do and it isn't a great deal outside of be married etc.
I however give my son all my time, every two,days. During the Inbetweeners days I am in a paranormal team and I also have a weekly slot on an Internet radio station where I review films. So obviously I also spend a lot if time at the pictures which brings me so much happiness and takes me on rewarding journeys from the safe environment of my seat.
I guess my blog is the book which I'll never get to write, but in small amounts.
I am increasingly busy so that I feel I have something to show for my time on the planet by the time I'm forty. My other inspiration is my child. I want to be the person he can be proud of. It's because of him that I kicked the drinking. Sixteen months sober is not something I take lightly.
I am trying to be the best person I can be. I recently realised that people close to me butter me up or tell me what I want to hear in order to control me a little.
I'm ashamed to say I like these people the most even after realising that they play me like a fiddle.
I guess that I could get in other people's good books by trying to bullshit them in a nice way.
Normally I just avoid human interaction but its something to fall back on.
I feel that the next forty years will provide surprises where I succeed in ways I couldn't imagine.
This puts my trivial thoughts and struggles in perspective.
Not achieved enough? So what?
Achieved loads? So what?
That is what keeps me awake at night mostly...the thought that I need to create something that can be quantified such as this blog. What use can this blog be to others? Well that never comes into it. I do it though a need to write candidly and express myself unjudged. And also it shows that I spent time writing it and attempting to make something to outlive me.
I think about what other friends my age do and it isn't a great deal outside of be married etc.
I however give my son all my time, every two,days. During the Inbetweeners days I am in a paranormal team and I also have a weekly slot on an Internet radio station where I review films. So obviously I also spend a lot if time at the pictures which brings me so much happiness and takes me on rewarding journeys from the safe environment of my seat.
I guess my blog is the book which I'll never get to write, but in small amounts.
I am increasingly busy so that I feel I have something to show for my time on the planet by the time I'm forty. My other inspiration is my child. I want to be the person he can be proud of. It's because of him that I kicked the drinking. Sixteen months sober is not something I take lightly.
I am trying to be the best person I can be. I recently realised that people close to me butter me up or tell me what I want to hear in order to control me a little.
I'm ashamed to say I like these people the most even after realising that they play me like a fiddle.
I guess that I could get in other people's good books by trying to bullshit them in a nice way.
Normally I just avoid human interaction but its something to fall back on.
I feel that the next forty years will provide surprises where I succeed in ways I couldn't imagine.
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Radio/psychic/film
I awoke from a deep slumber and it didn't take long for my brain to bombard me thoughts.
I arose after Netflix in be brought me round fully. I showered mostly to warm up and then drove down to Jam Radio to record a two hour show with a regular contributor who was in the middle of Leeds film festival visits. The recordings went well and from there I spun round to a psychic Mediums house who I've met along my paranormal journey of discovery.
It's been over a year since I've seen her and we've both progressed on experience. We discussed my new focus about interviewing local mediums and collating their descriptions together to see if a better picture of the spirit world can be pictured.
I am a no one in this field really but I hope this will start me a reputation of some sort, good or bad.
It became clear that the hard part will be keeping the project on a course I choose and not letting the interviewee go off on too much if a tangent.
I left the chat with a renewed vigour and appetite for the project.
I start it next week after an investigation with friends. I just want to concentrate on one step at a time.
I arrived home and set about watching 'Passenger Side' which rolled into 'The Machine Girl' which rolled onto 'Versus' which rolled into 'Maniac'.
Yes it's been a long day......
I arose after Netflix in be brought me round fully. I showered mostly to warm up and then drove down to Jam Radio to record a two hour show with a regular contributor who was in the middle of Leeds film festival visits. The recordings went well and from there I spun round to a psychic Mediums house who I've met along my paranormal journey of discovery.
It's been over a year since I've seen her and we've both progressed on experience. We discussed my new focus about interviewing local mediums and collating their descriptions together to see if a better picture of the spirit world can be pictured.
I am a no one in this field really but I hope this will start me a reputation of some sort, good or bad.
It became clear that the hard part will be keeping the project on a course I choose and not letting the interviewee go off on too much if a tangent.
I left the chat with a renewed vigour and appetite for the project.
I start it next week after an investigation with friends. I just want to concentrate on one step at a time.
I arrived home and set about watching 'Passenger Side' which rolled into 'The Machine Girl' which rolled onto 'Versus' which rolled into 'Maniac'.
Yes it's been a long day......
Saturday, 10 November 2012
Angry but relaxed birds
My son developed a cough upon waking up today and so we decided to give swimming a miss. We had his shower bath with toys as usual on a Saturday morning and then we just played a combination of Star Wars and Superhero figures as well as Star Wars Angry Birds on both iPad and iPod. It was a relaxing day spent hanging out together.
Once he was home I decided to not go the cinema this week and headed home and watched 'Contraband' instead. This was followed by 'Die Hard 4' and a terrible selection of junk for tea.
I feel to have written a lot this afternoon with one thing and another. Where would I be without my apple devices?
The ghost team leader has spoke to a producer of a ghost tv series on SyFY today and that has been a high for us. This leads me on to tomorrow. I start the day at Jam Radio to record a two hour show with another film lover. Then that is to be followed by a meeting with a medium who will iron out a few questions for other mediums who I'm going to interview soon. I am spreading myself over many different avenues at the moment but its all about doing something rather than nothing.
But for right now,......I'm off to sleep.
Once he was home I decided to not go the cinema this week and headed home and watched 'Contraband' instead. This was followed by 'Die Hard 4' and a terrible selection of junk for tea.
I feel to have written a lot this afternoon with one thing and another. Where would I be without my apple devices?
The ghost team leader has spoke to a producer of a ghost tv series on SyFY today and that has been a high for us. This leads me on to tomorrow. I start the day at Jam Radio to record a two hour show with another film lover. Then that is to be followed by a meeting with a medium who will iron out a few questions for other mediums who I'm going to interview soon. I am spreading myself over many different avenues at the moment but its all about doing something rather than nothing.
But for right now,......I'm off to sleep.
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Alternative cinema trip
I'm sat in the pictureville cinema listening to two gay guys have a domestic and also lie to each other about stuff. I am not against gay guys or girls , but heterosexual or homosexual, if you sound like an annoying cock, I'm not going to be keen on you.
It's a change of scenery for me to be sat in a different cinema.
It's more up its own arse than cineworld, which is the common mans cinema.
I'm here to watch The Shining US version and messed up the start time. So I'm sat for two hours waiting for a long film.
This feels like the time I went to watch 2001 in cinerama. That was such a treat in my twenties. In fact it was one of the first times I ever went to see a film alone. It felt invigorating back then and now it's my life, which is cool. It sounds daft but if I was sat here with someone else then I'd not be enjoying the wait quite as much. The conversation would be difficult to maintain. Whereas now I can just write on this iPod.
Wow one gay couple left and another replaced them. I think there's a one gay couple at a time policy at this cinema. As I leave there'll just be a queue of gay couples adjourning the street waiting for their turn. Kind of like the 'no more than three kids allowed in this shop at any one time'
It's a change of scenery for me to be sat in a different cinema.
It's more up its own arse than cineworld, which is the common mans cinema.
I'm here to watch The Shining US version and messed up the start time. So I'm sat for two hours waiting for a long film.
This feels like the time I went to watch 2001 in cinerama. That was such a treat in my twenties. In fact it was one of the first times I ever went to see a film alone. It felt invigorating back then and now it's my life, which is cool. It sounds daft but if I was sat here with someone else then I'd not be enjoying the wait quite as much. The conversation would be difficult to maintain. Whereas now I can just write on this iPod.
Wow one gay couple left and another replaced them. I think there's a one gay couple at a time policy at this cinema. As I leave there'll just be a queue of gay couples adjourning the street waiting for their turn. Kind of like the 'no more than three kids allowed in this shop at any one time'
Opportunity
An idea was born in my mind yesterday. It came from a comment which I had made about psychic mediums and how it may be possible to have a spirit confirm the mediums abilities to our team.
It is always met with a defensive wall and its always a shame.
Anyway I felt inspired to simply put the boot on the other foot really.
I wanted to present the mediums experiences through a number of typed interviews and not try and pull them apart. Instead I will see what sort of picture they paint of this 'skill' and how their combined stories paint an image of the spirit world in general.
I'm surprised it hasn't struck me before that I am now in a position that I wanted to be in, and yet never thought I would be in as a child. I used to dream of knowing a psychic person.
Today I'm surrounded by them and I don't bat an eye lid.
Yes I guess it's just another vanity project in a sense but I'm just the guy gluing all the hits together. It's as close as I've ever got to putting others first.
It is always met with a defensive wall and its always a shame.
Anyway I felt inspired to simply put the boot on the other foot really.
I wanted to present the mediums experiences through a number of typed interviews and not try and pull them apart. Instead I will see what sort of picture they paint of this 'skill' and how their combined stories paint an image of the spirit world in general.
I'm surprised it hasn't struck me before that I am now in a position that I wanted to be in, and yet never thought I would be in as a child. I used to dream of knowing a psychic person.
Today I'm surrounded by them and I don't bat an eye lid.
Yes I guess it's just another vanity project in a sense but I'm just the guy gluing all the hits together. It's as close as I've ever got to putting others first.
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Ghosts of girlfriends past....
One of my ex girlfriends is pregnant. Congratulations are due obviously. (You've probably guessed where this is going)
I am lucky enough to have a few ex girlfriends from years ago on Facebook at the moment and have even apologised to two if them for my behaviour back then. The years pass but not ALL the feelings are forgotten. So while I'm happy for my ex, when I see her posts about having a baby, I can't help but remember baby scares we had together etc.
a 'what if' parallel universe kicks in for me.
I've had several baby scares and some have been closer than just scares. These are issues I simply have never dealt with.
But since I am a father these days, thinking of possible children I could have fathered makes for quite a somber affair.
I still have respect for each past girlfriend. But that does also bring old pains too.
I am lucky enough to have a few ex girlfriends from years ago on Facebook at the moment and have even apologised to two if them for my behaviour back then. The years pass but not ALL the feelings are forgotten. So while I'm happy for my ex, when I see her posts about having a baby, I can't help but remember baby scares we had together etc.
a 'what if' parallel universe kicks in for me.
I've had several baby scares and some have been closer than just scares. These are issues I simply have never dealt with.
But since I am a father these days, thinking of possible children I could have fathered makes for quite a somber affair.
I still have respect for each past girlfriend. But that does also bring old pains too.
Monday, 5 November 2012
The void 3-(Solipsism)
Dear THE VOID 3 ...
The realisation I had today came as an epiphany as I thought over and over as I worked.
The fake conversations which circled and spiralled inside my brain stem continued to flow until I remembered that as they would never be real. You can spend hours rehearsing the things you would say if questioned about something....but if its unlikely that the conversation will ever be had then its all for nothing.
Today I was giving thought to the subtle attention which I am receiving off a member of the opposite sex. The future is closed on any further cross gender romantic friendships, or so I say.
No sooner had I received a nice message post midnight from an ex from decades ago, my mind had played out the possibility of being in a relationship.
Humanity is hard wired to settle down with a partner it seems.
As I thought and thought of it and felt what it MAY make me feel like, I analysed it and came to the realisation that I don't have genuine 'feelings' for this ex and never would have.
I met her when she was a nubile and loving specimen. Twenty years on she has hardened and grown world weary like the rest of us. Also, even in her prime, so to speak....I finished with her. I new she was never to be 'the one'.
My first realisation was that any feelings I had ever felt for another person was actually an obsession with their having 'feelings' for me. In other words anyone who expressed that they LIKED me would become instantly attractive to me in a way that was important to me, but which was still not actually LOVE in any form.
My self obsession had always made my relationships stumble in this way.
My eventual marriage had fallen because my wife didn't find me as interesting a person as I wanted her to.
No relationship had ever became important to me because I always found myself more interesting than them.
Being me is a full time occupation. Obsessing over myself can be covered with one word....solipsism.
sol·ip·sism [sol-ip-siz-uhm] Show IPA
noun
1.
Philosophy . the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
2.
extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.
This word had made its way into my brain and vocabulary a few weeks ago and I had actually looked it up in a dictionary. It had literally floored me with its relevance to myself.
Another realisation/quote which came to mind today was "ones company , twos a crowd"
That's how self absorbed I am....i am sat here now and feel like there is more than one person here. I am not lonely because there is at least other voice in my mind which cross questions every thought as I think or speak.
So if there is one other physical person with me then it feels like there are three voices talking. Does everyone else have this too?
Another explanation of why the single life is something that I must live with is the fact that "I enjoy my own company more than everyone else enjoys my company"
People find me difficult whereas I don't (so much)
People talk if me 'meeting the right person' often but even in my head today as I imagined what that may entail, I felt sad. I had feelings of guilt about cheating on my (ex) wife.
I obviously still consider myself married. I can't understand why I would wish to try and make a relationship with anyone other than my child's mum.
Wouldn't it always be a half arsed version of the correct thing.
It seems I am a prisoner of myself too.
Maybe time will unlock some if these handcuffs which I now have noticed.
But only the passing of time will tell...
And if anything changes, I'm sure you'll be the first to know...
The realisation I had today came as an epiphany as I thought over and over as I worked.
The fake conversations which circled and spiralled inside my brain stem continued to flow until I remembered that as they would never be real. You can spend hours rehearsing the things you would say if questioned about something....but if its unlikely that the conversation will ever be had then its all for nothing.
Today I was giving thought to the subtle attention which I am receiving off a member of the opposite sex. The future is closed on any further cross gender romantic friendships, or so I say.
No sooner had I received a nice message post midnight from an ex from decades ago, my mind had played out the possibility of being in a relationship.
Humanity is hard wired to settle down with a partner it seems.
As I thought and thought of it and felt what it MAY make me feel like, I analysed it and came to the realisation that I don't have genuine 'feelings' for this ex and never would have.
I met her when she was a nubile and loving specimen. Twenty years on she has hardened and grown world weary like the rest of us. Also, even in her prime, so to speak....I finished with her. I new she was never to be 'the one'.
My first realisation was that any feelings I had ever felt for another person was actually an obsession with their having 'feelings' for me. In other words anyone who expressed that they LIKED me would become instantly attractive to me in a way that was important to me, but which was still not actually LOVE in any form.
My self obsession had always made my relationships stumble in this way.
My eventual marriage had fallen because my wife didn't find me as interesting a person as I wanted her to.
No relationship had ever became important to me because I always found myself more interesting than them.
Being me is a full time occupation. Obsessing over myself can be covered with one word....solipsism.
sol·ip·sism [sol-ip-siz-uhm] Show IPA
noun
1.
Philosophy . the theory that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist.
2.
extreme preoccupation with and indulgence of one's feelings, desires, etc.; egoistic self-absorption.
This word had made its way into my brain and vocabulary a few weeks ago and I had actually looked it up in a dictionary. It had literally floored me with its relevance to myself.
Another realisation/quote which came to mind today was "ones company , twos a crowd"
That's how self absorbed I am....i am sat here now and feel like there is more than one person here. I am not lonely because there is at least other voice in my mind which cross questions every thought as I think or speak.
So if there is one other physical person with me then it feels like there are three voices talking. Does everyone else have this too?
Another explanation of why the single life is something that I must live with is the fact that "I enjoy my own company more than everyone else enjoys my company"
People find me difficult whereas I don't (so much)
People talk if me 'meeting the right person' often but even in my head today as I imagined what that may entail, I felt sad. I had feelings of guilt about cheating on my (ex) wife.
I obviously still consider myself married. I can't understand why I would wish to try and make a relationship with anyone other than my child's mum.
Wouldn't it always be a half arsed version of the correct thing.
It seems I am a prisoner of myself too.
Maybe time will unlock some if these handcuffs which I now have noticed.
But only the passing of time will tell...
And if anything changes, I'm sure you'll be the first to know...
Sunday, 4 November 2012
DOUBT vs COMPLAINING
A strange feeling is hovering over me of late. It feels like a fog of unease resting its tendrils on me. I can't put a finger on what's wrong. Maybe it's just a sadness that has always been there. I guess it is a downside to choosing to live my life alone. Maybe I'm forgetting just how dreadful living with someone is. Maybe not drinking is leaving more of a gap than I let on.
.....there's just some...emptiness or doubt , yes, doubt! I have a feeling of doubt but I don't know what about.
The radio work is on amber alert since its becoming increasingly difficult to get a show recorded in the studio. Writing it also takes a lot of work.
My place in The ghost team has been resurrected and I'm worried about how I'll fit back in.
I think I am a ghost to others, but I purposely promote that idea so that I am protected from societies put downs as I fail to deliver what they want from me.
My son and I had a tough love moment as he created in Asda over some new clothes. He awoke on Sunday a much calmer child though.
I've started thinking over death a little more than normal. I think it's a midlife thing....I'm kinda half way through. But I believe I am exactly where I want to be right now.....so why complain? I actually told myself off recently because I was once again in tough with an ex girlfriend whose child had cancer and it shook my world to its core. Just the notion that she had been through hell and I hadn't. How the hell could I moan? It made me feel bad about myself rather than snap me out of it.
I am a natural moaner. Woe is me.
But that is what I am a VICTIM of...that oppressive feeling. I understand that I shouldn't feel that I way but I DO feel that way. Some people have a happy disposition but I never do and it's a curse really. I even lock myself away from others so I don't have to have them tell me I'm miserable.
I think a caffeine fix is in order today to blast my brain with creative, constructive thoughts.
.....there's just some...emptiness or doubt , yes, doubt! I have a feeling of doubt but I don't know what about.
The radio work is on amber alert since its becoming increasingly difficult to get a show recorded in the studio. Writing it also takes a lot of work.
My place in The ghost team has been resurrected and I'm worried about how I'll fit back in.
I think I am a ghost to others, but I purposely promote that idea so that I am protected from societies put downs as I fail to deliver what they want from me.
My son and I had a tough love moment as he created in Asda over some new clothes. He awoke on Sunday a much calmer child though.
I've started thinking over death a little more than normal. I think it's a midlife thing....I'm kinda half way through. But I believe I am exactly where I want to be right now.....so why complain? I actually told myself off recently because I was once again in tough with an ex girlfriend whose child had cancer and it shook my world to its core. Just the notion that she had been through hell and I hadn't. How the hell could I moan? It made me feel bad about myself rather than snap me out of it.
I am a natural moaner. Woe is me.
But that is what I am a VICTIM of...that oppressive feeling. I understand that I shouldn't feel that I way but I DO feel that way. Some people have a happy disposition but I never do and it's a curse really. I even lock myself away from others so I don't have to have them tell me I'm miserable.
I think a caffeine fix is in order today to blast my brain with creative, constructive thoughts.
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
Dark nights, dark thoughts
Do you ever stop and wonder where your life's path is taking you.
That's how I feel recently. I am wandering in a straight line but don't feel completely sure that I am on course.
I suppose I should take comfort of the fact I am NOT feeling uncomfortable with my lot.
It's probably the dark nights which bring on the reflections of the year just gone.
Also I'm becoming less busy and that means the darkness within me has more power to speak to my brain.
I must endeavour to be busier before my demons smoother me.
That's how I feel recently. I am wandering in a straight line but don't feel completely sure that I am on course.
I suppose I should take comfort of the fact I am NOT feeling uncomfortable with my lot.
It's probably the dark nights which bring on the reflections of the year just gone.
Also I'm becoming less busy and that means the darkness within me has more power to speak to my brain.
I must endeavour to be busier before my demons smoother me.
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Disconnected
I've arrived at 7pm to see a show at 7:30. I'm sat in a so far mostly desolate auditorium to see a Facebook friend perform his 'Mentalism' show. He is a similar mind illusionist to Derrin Brown or the more local Dynamo. I've been on Jam Radio with Liam a few times as he is a friend of a ghost team colleague of mine.
I came to show him support, although I do have a strong interest in what he does and how it can help me prove the existence of spirit as we as disprove the use of fakery.
It came down to a toss up between this and seeing the new film, Stitches which stars Ross Noble. Noble was simulcasting to 125 cineworld cinemas after to do a Q and A. That sounded good but in the end, as I say, I may be able to use Liam's experience in the future.
The metal seats could be the death of my arse cheeks though. Much like they were during the cult films which were shown locally recently which I attended. The seats there were torturous.
Well there's a suitable hypnotic soundtrack looping in here as more people arrive. I guess it sets the mood. It's unfair to say its cheesy... It's necessary I would say. Although its looped once now I think, unless they all sound the same.
Under the stage curtain I have seen a pair of black shoes steadily pacing the length. I hope this has not been a reveal of a blindfold trick which is now spoilt.
You have to try and guess how these things are done , it's like the rules of illusionism etc.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Well firstly Liam just walked on to zero applause because he didn't get introduced or indeed introduce himself a la many stand up comedians. I cringed terribly on his behalf. One live wired mic and and one wireless mic which wasn't working which meant Liam had to leave the working mic and continue to cross the stage and deliver some lines without the aid of electric.
He ploughed on like a pro seemingly unfazed.
As for the mentalism itself he did his stock tricks but mixed them up with each other. Fair play to him... And my respect.
He asked one member of the audience to choose a short name which they did. It turned out to be Rosie. BUT he had actually written Rosey. Now yes that's the same name so it's impressive but misspelling it takes away the pizzaz.
He started with a ball throw into the audience which went to nobody and no one wanted to get it. CRINGE!
But then his act went on to demand about ten different volunteers. It was like pulling teeth to be honest and I just looked away.
It was a thankfully short first half.
Then behind the curtain there was music and then none. Then too loud and then too quiet. Following this was a tap on the wireless mic which was followed by "I'm sorry about that" from the venue guy.
The second half is to be about mediums and 'Victorian spiritualism'. He knows what I do and hopefully I'll enjoy that half more.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The second half consisted of more mic trouble and reluctant audience participation. I tip my hat to Liam for pursuing what he loves. I'd seen this act on Derrin brown DVDs but I still don't know how he does it.
As soon as it was over I was home again.
I felt anxiety disappearing. I had been locked in a state of tension more than I knew. I looked on Facebook and felt I was searching for human interaction in a way. My ex girlfriend had been on and I liked a couple of her posts.
I can't quite shake the feeling of social separation which I felt this evening. But then I could easily still have been married and society would still feel distant, more distant even.
I did what I always do....I put a film on. PUSHER 2. I'm tired now
I think I use films as a drug substitute to push reality away every time.
I'm starting to feel DISCONNECTED with life and others. It's probably not healthy.
I came to show him support, although I do have a strong interest in what he does and how it can help me prove the existence of spirit as we as disprove the use of fakery.
It came down to a toss up between this and seeing the new film, Stitches which stars Ross Noble. Noble was simulcasting to 125 cineworld cinemas after to do a Q and A. That sounded good but in the end, as I say, I may be able to use Liam's experience in the future.
The metal seats could be the death of my arse cheeks though. Much like they were during the cult films which were shown locally recently which I attended. The seats there were torturous.
Well there's a suitable hypnotic soundtrack looping in here as more people arrive. I guess it sets the mood. It's unfair to say its cheesy... It's necessary I would say. Although its looped once now I think, unless they all sound the same.
Under the stage curtain I have seen a pair of black shoes steadily pacing the length. I hope this has not been a reveal of a blindfold trick which is now spoilt.
You have to try and guess how these things are done , it's like the rules of illusionism etc.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Well firstly Liam just walked on to zero applause because he didn't get introduced or indeed introduce himself a la many stand up comedians. I cringed terribly on his behalf. One live wired mic and and one wireless mic which wasn't working which meant Liam had to leave the working mic and continue to cross the stage and deliver some lines without the aid of electric.
He ploughed on like a pro seemingly unfazed.
As for the mentalism itself he did his stock tricks but mixed them up with each other. Fair play to him... And my respect.
He asked one member of the audience to choose a short name which they did. It turned out to be Rosie. BUT he had actually written Rosey. Now yes that's the same name so it's impressive but misspelling it takes away the pizzaz.
He started with a ball throw into the audience which went to nobody and no one wanted to get it. CRINGE!
But then his act went on to demand about ten different volunteers. It was like pulling teeth to be honest and I just looked away.
It was a thankfully short first half.
Then behind the curtain there was music and then none. Then too loud and then too quiet. Following this was a tap on the wireless mic which was followed by "I'm sorry about that" from the venue guy.
The second half is to be about mediums and 'Victorian spiritualism'. He knows what I do and hopefully I'll enjoy that half more.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
The second half consisted of more mic trouble and reluctant audience participation. I tip my hat to Liam for pursuing what he loves. I'd seen this act on Derrin brown DVDs but I still don't know how he does it.
As soon as it was over I was home again.
I felt anxiety disappearing. I had been locked in a state of tension more than I knew. I looked on Facebook and felt I was searching for human interaction in a way. My ex girlfriend had been on and I liked a couple of her posts.
I can't quite shake the feeling of social separation which I felt this evening. But then I could easily still have been married and society would still feel distant, more distant even.
I did what I always do....I put a film on. PUSHER 2. I'm tired now
I think I use films as a drug substitute to push reality away every time.
I'm starting to feel DISCONNECTED with life and others. It's probably not healthy.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Tuesday 16th October
I was walking through Bradford town just one hour after clocking out at work and I'd been home, showered and changed. Everyone else seemed to be only just exiting work onto the steadily darkening streets. There was a cold in the air and my shoulders arched to keep it out of my clothes. The drive through to town with just one speaker had been a revelation in audio enjoyment. I could listen to a podcast whilst driving.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
Tuesday 16th October
I was walking through Bradford town just one hour after clocking out at work and I'd been home, showered and changed. Everyone else seemed to be only just exiting work onto the steadily darkening streets. There was a cold in the air and my shoulders arched to keep it out of my clothes. The drive through to town with just one speaker had been a revelation in audio enjoyment. I could listen to a podcast whilst driving.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
In one more day I'll have two speakers again. I consider that to be one spare because I no longer take them for granted.
The film I watched was PUSHER and was really good. Richard Coyle was impressive in it. I left the screening and passed through a deserted lobby. It was like being the only kid at the park. But for tonight, I was only watching one.
I drove to the radio studio and sat down at a pc. I just had to take two minutes to finalise Saturday's show and then I could import a load of new music tracks into the library. But first one other DJ asked if I was finished and then a second one came to use the same pc. There will be further bottle necks as more new dj's fight to make their show.
Anyway after four minutes being there I let them squabble over the PC.
I went home and ate my tea whilst I wrote some reviews and watched BANGED UP ABROAD.
Relax.
Tuesday, 16 October 2012
Melancholic Cyborg Love
Finally my van was given a check by the garage next-door. The strange noise which I had reported months ago had turned out to be a wheel bearing, oh and the clutch was about to collapse, oh and some of the engine was rattling on the vans body.
None of this had concerned me as much as not being able to turn on the radio without the ear splitting squeal the speakers made. But yesterday they had taken one offending speaker out and ordered me a new one.
So I drove away with one working speaker and no strange wheel bearing noise.
I was in absolute heaven. I had my music back. This means that when my new iPod touch arrives this week I will be back to my podcasts whilst journeying to and fro. Life is pretty awesome in my bubble right now.
But with the music and the having dropped off my son, the combination made me a little melancholy. Music is such a wonderful thing but it comes with a retread of memories and plays me like a guitar. Play something happy and I'm up. (Play something sad and I'm down.
Play something halfway up and I'm neither up nor down......oh that's just being silly now).
So I loved having music back, but I had to skip a few tracks (memories) on the way home.
I had to verbally tell myself out loud "oh that's enough now.....you live alone because your marriage was wrong and you have time to devote solely to your son and solely to yourself... Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
It worked for the most part.
But as I drove and thought about a LIFETIME of being alone, I remembered that I had CHOSEN to plot my life that way. So if I decided to get changed, go to a pub, get pissed and shag ANYONE, I could!
With this pressure off myself I felt free again.
If I meet a beautiful girl I could start relationships again and re-enter the world...opt back IN to society.
But in truth there is no woman, even in my fantasies who I could love. I am a loner. I've lived for thirty eight years and never NOT felt at home in someones company. On top of that I am terribly distant and fail to convey emotions or affection. It would be like they were going out with a stone.
So it's Catch 22.
Even if I changed my tune and went dating again, they would be unhappy and in return annoy me by pointing out my failings and then I would be hateful of them and myself and swear to be single forever again.
I will just cut out that unhappy circle and stay alone.
It's the best place for me.
I'm such a damn awkward person I realise. But must be true to myself and my abilities.
The sad and shallow thing is that once I get my new iPod I will forget about women again.
Electronics have always excited me more because they love me in return.
I could always shag a cyborg!!
None of this had concerned me as much as not being able to turn on the radio without the ear splitting squeal the speakers made. But yesterday they had taken one offending speaker out and ordered me a new one.
So I drove away with one working speaker and no strange wheel bearing noise.
I was in absolute heaven. I had my music back. This means that when my new iPod touch arrives this week I will be back to my podcasts whilst journeying to and fro. Life is pretty awesome in my bubble right now.
But with the music and the having dropped off my son, the combination made me a little melancholy. Music is such a wonderful thing but it comes with a retread of memories and plays me like a guitar. Play something happy and I'm up. (Play something sad and I'm down.
Play something halfway up and I'm neither up nor down......oh that's just being silly now).
So I loved having music back, but I had to skip a few tracks (memories) on the way home.
I had to verbally tell myself out loud "oh that's enough now.....you live alone because your marriage was wrong and you have time to devote solely to your son and solely to yourself... Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
It worked for the most part.
But as I drove and thought about a LIFETIME of being alone, I remembered that I had CHOSEN to plot my life that way. So if I decided to get changed, go to a pub, get pissed and shag ANYONE, I could!
With this pressure off myself I felt free again.
If I meet a beautiful girl I could start relationships again and re-enter the world...opt back IN to society.
But in truth there is no woman, even in my fantasies who I could love. I am a loner. I've lived for thirty eight years and never NOT felt at home in someones company. On top of that I am terribly distant and fail to convey emotions or affection. It would be like they were going out with a stone.
So it's Catch 22.
Even if I changed my tune and went dating again, they would be unhappy and in return annoy me by pointing out my failings and then I would be hateful of them and myself and swear to be single forever again.
I will just cut out that unhappy circle and stay alone.
It's the best place for me.
I'm such a damn awkward person I realise. But must be true to myself and my abilities.
The sad and shallow thing is that once I get my new iPod I will forget about women again.
Electronics have always excited me more because they love me in return.
I could always shag a cyborg!!
Monday, 15 October 2012
PPS and the stolen cars 2
Sunday morning. I woke in bed to a nervous feeling. The first thought was of a possible stolen car or two the previous night. My sleepy mind half dreaming a possible scenario for Monday morning as the garage men would stand conversing and scratching their heads at they pointed at the empty car spaces on the inside of a locked up yard. "looks like an inside job" the policeman would concur. "let's question everyone who has access to a key".
I was awake and so I looked on Facebook. The team congratulated themselves on a great night. I wished I was one of the ones who had merely attended the evening as a guest and could wash the stolen car story from my mind.
But no. I showered and played out further scenarios.
I wanted to shake some of the blame but whatever line of lie I spoke in my head, the policeman in my mind (also me obviously in my mind) outfoxed me.
I could shake off the thoughts for a few minutes as I told myself that there's nothing I can do about it until Monday morning.
But what then? Think goddam it think.
"Mr Whitehouse, because you opened that lock at some ungodly hour, thereby putting the BMW and Vectra at risk, you yourself will have to compensate the car owners."
FUCK.
Or....
"Chris's boss, because your employee opened up, I have no alternative but to fine your company...."
FUCK.
I envisioned myself in a prison. I was looking through the bars as my son visited me for ten minutes each month. He just sat there shaking his head slowly at me.
His only words to brake the silence being "Dad.....you cock"
I wouldn't be able to live through prison life. I watched BANGED UP ABROAD every week so knew what lay in store for me. Day in day out, working in the library and then getting buggered by Frank the double hard bastard who was leader of the wing.
I actually asked God for help.
(Look God I know I take the piss out of you sometimes and I've often said you're a cock but if you could somehow magically change the outcome of this story, I'd be so fucking happy, oh and sorry about the cursing)
But then another version of me stepped forward tearing down the scene as I dared to reach for the soap for real in the real world.
"don't talk bollocks" he said.
"All you did was go to work, you have a set of keys and are allowed to be at work at your discretion"
"cars get nicked all the time and it's not Antibes fault".
I tried to calm down. Jail now seemed far fetched.
I needed to go to work to check if I had put the alarm on in my haste to lock up.
So with a cinema double bill planned, I set off.
I turned down a road which led to work. As I approached I saw two cars now parked where the gates were. Instantly I panicked. That seems like a strange amount of activity for a Sunday at 10:11am.
Maybe the cars had been returned after they had been joyridden. That would have been a plus in a way.
I drew nearer. One of two women talking seemed to staring at my approach. I was heading to check the alarm at work but what was this? I turned right up a side street and stopped looking.
Now what? What if she recognises the van and it's peanut headed driver.
FUCK! now I was circling the fucking crime scene!
Then to make it more suspicious I was driving off.
I guess I could still say later that my journey to the cinema innocently brought me passed work. Yes that seemed fair. But what of the two ladies conversation at the moment. It had to be about last night didn't it?
As I drove off against my will in a way I thought "so so I really expect to sit and enjoy two films today?"
I pulled off and did a U turn. I had to go check the alarm RIGHT NOW.
I could always park around the corner and walk to work passed them. No...too suspicious.
I pulled up outside the work gates no more than two minutes after I saw two cars there and two women talking. But where were they? There was no one and no cars.
I looked at the gate and saw NO padlock. The women were inside the yard. I got out and noisily opened the gate and closed it again.
A woman soon looked at who it was. "oh Hi" she said in a friendly way. That relaxed me into a 'pretend you know nothing' mode.
I walked past that lady and yet from inside one of the cars I heard "excuse me!"
I instantly about faced and hurried to the open car door.
"Were you here yesterday?"
Don't lie.
"Yes i was", "did a car get stolen?" I asked.
"Oh right...no I'm so sorry, it was my car"
BOOM.
It had barely hit my brain when I seemed to deflate.
"oh my god" I blustered, "I'm SO glad it was you're car"
The lady explained that as the PPS team mate ran towards the car and yanked the door open, she just couldn't get the words 'it's my car' out of her frightened mouth.
The world seemed to impossibly fold in on itself.
Had God come good on the deal?
I felt as light as a feather. I breezed into work to turn the alarm ON. I had not activated it in my worried state the night before.
We had a brief further talk about how it's all cool now then and I was off.
"you've no idea how relieved I am!" I said.
I added "I'm going to have such a good day now"
So that was that. I smiled to myself (almost) as I drove towards Bradford. I enjoyed my cinema double bill and kept having to remind myself that I was in no trouble at all.
I would see the sky another day and my son could still look at me fondly.
And as for Frank he would have to catch some other poor victim for his bum fun.
Thanks God I owe you one....( But you are still a cock.)
I was awake and so I looked on Facebook. The team congratulated themselves on a great night. I wished I was one of the ones who had merely attended the evening as a guest and could wash the stolen car story from my mind.
But no. I showered and played out further scenarios.
I wanted to shake some of the blame but whatever line of lie I spoke in my head, the policeman in my mind (also me obviously in my mind) outfoxed me.
I could shake off the thoughts for a few minutes as I told myself that there's nothing I can do about it until Monday morning.
But what then? Think goddam it think.
"Mr Whitehouse, because you opened that lock at some ungodly hour, thereby putting the BMW and Vectra at risk, you yourself will have to compensate the car owners."
FUCK.
Or....
"Chris's boss, because your employee opened up, I have no alternative but to fine your company...."
FUCK.
I envisioned myself in a prison. I was looking through the bars as my son visited me for ten minutes each month. He just sat there shaking his head slowly at me.
His only words to brake the silence being "Dad.....you cock"
I wouldn't be able to live through prison life. I watched BANGED UP ABROAD every week so knew what lay in store for me. Day in day out, working in the library and then getting buggered by Frank the double hard bastard who was leader of the wing.
I actually asked God for help.
(Look God I know I take the piss out of you sometimes and I've often said you're a cock but if you could somehow magically change the outcome of this story, I'd be so fucking happy, oh and sorry about the cursing)
But then another version of me stepped forward tearing down the scene as I dared to reach for the soap for real in the real world.
"don't talk bollocks" he said.
"All you did was go to work, you have a set of keys and are allowed to be at work at your discretion"
"cars get nicked all the time and it's not Antibes fault".
I tried to calm down. Jail now seemed far fetched.
I needed to go to work to check if I had put the alarm on in my haste to lock up.
So with a cinema double bill planned, I set off.
I turned down a road which led to work. As I approached I saw two cars now parked where the gates were. Instantly I panicked. That seems like a strange amount of activity for a Sunday at 10:11am.
Maybe the cars had been returned after they had been joyridden. That would have been a plus in a way.
I drew nearer. One of two women talking seemed to staring at my approach. I was heading to check the alarm at work but what was this? I turned right up a side street and stopped looking.
Now what? What if she recognises the van and it's peanut headed driver.
FUCK! now I was circling the fucking crime scene!
Then to make it more suspicious I was driving off.
I guess I could still say later that my journey to the cinema innocently brought me passed work. Yes that seemed fair. But what of the two ladies conversation at the moment. It had to be about last night didn't it?
As I drove off against my will in a way I thought "so so I really expect to sit and enjoy two films today?"
I pulled off and did a U turn. I had to go check the alarm RIGHT NOW.
I could always park around the corner and walk to work passed them. No...too suspicious.
I pulled up outside the work gates no more than two minutes after I saw two cars there and two women talking. But where were they? There was no one and no cars.
I looked at the gate and saw NO padlock. The women were inside the yard. I got out and noisily opened the gate and closed it again.
A woman soon looked at who it was. "oh Hi" she said in a friendly way. That relaxed me into a 'pretend you know nothing' mode.
I walked past that lady and yet from inside one of the cars I heard "excuse me!"
I instantly about faced and hurried to the open car door.
"Were you here yesterday?"
Don't lie.
"Yes i was", "did a car get stolen?" I asked.
"Oh right...no I'm so sorry, it was my car"
BOOM.
It had barely hit my brain when I seemed to deflate.
"oh my god" I blustered, "I'm SO glad it was you're car"
The lady explained that as the PPS team mate ran towards the car and yanked the door open, she just couldn't get the words 'it's my car' out of her frightened mouth.
The world seemed to impossibly fold in on itself.
Had God come good on the deal?
I felt as light as a feather. I breezed into work to turn the alarm ON. I had not activated it in my worried state the night before.
We had a brief further talk about how it's all cool now then and I was off.
"you've no idea how relieved I am!" I said.
I added "I'm going to have such a good day now"
So that was that. I smiled to myself (almost) as I drove towards Bradford. I enjoyed my cinema double bill and kept having to remind myself that I was in no trouble at all.
I would see the sky another day and my son could still look at me fondly.
And as for Frank he would have to catch some other poor victim for his bum fun.
Thanks God I owe you one....( But you are still a cock.)
Sunday, 14 October 2012
PPS and the stolen cars 1
The weekend has been full of mini miracles, twists of fate and almost standing in dog shit. A varied existence if ever I heard of one. Firstly Friday, my son and I were having a weekend totally in, except we and to go out and let my currently ex ghost team into a building I and keys for. I arrived as punctual as ever. No one else did. I rang my friend and in a moment it all because apparent that I had got the wrong day. The white noise in my head and the blood in my eyes meant I was in a mood. The sooner my son and I got out of this dangerous and dark building, the better. I knew tomorrow I would be over it, I can never carry bad moods over through a sleep, but there were still some waking hours yet. My usual response started. That is, regretting that I had agreed to help at all. I'm such a sulker as soon as something doesn't go my way.
Sleep came and the mood evaporated.
Saturday was another great day having wars with all my sons toys out. We and our bubble and it was bliss hanging out in it as ever.
We both felt a sadness as he was summoned early by his mother as she and new family was going to Newcastle. I dealt with my feelings about that in the usual manner, I mentally turned off.
Because I had got the PPS night wrong, I had to cancel all plans I had made for the cinema.
It was my fault though so I endeavoured to make it work for me. Hey, I thought, I cill just go to the cinema on Sunday instead. In fact, why don't I watch my DVDs which are pilling up?
So I did. I had to break the evening up to go and let my old team mates in. A part of me did want to stay and felt I would be missing something, but the largest part wanted to do my new plans. I did feel uncomfortable about letting people into this building and me not being there, but surely nothing would happen.
I recovered a phone call at 9:30pm. The team had heard people outside. They had thought that someone was breaking in to their vehicles and so gone to look. Two vehicles were now gone.
I suggested that it sounded like they could have been stolen. I hung up and pondered the situation. There was no getting away from the fact that I had opened up the gates to my work and also the other garages which we share our yard with and two vehicles had been stolen. Add to this the fact that I was actually not even there. How to explain that cars were gone and yet the locks were not broken come Monday morning?
I surely had to lie in some way to lessen the blame or escape it altogether.
Could they have just been taken by their owners? It seemed a stretch because it was late at night and how would they have keys to the gates?
I made the decision to go down at closing of the little ghost event.
They had enjoyed their night which was great but all I could thin of was the trouble I was about to be in. Maybe if I told the garage that I had been there too and it was just one of those things, I would get away with having the gates open. NO. No ideas washed with a good explanation. The thing is that whilst I have brought a group in to my work before and given my boss money for it, I didn't exactly ask this time. I didn't mention it at all. Maybe I could okay it down and say "oh yes I was messing about in there alone that night". But I felt awkward saying I let a group of people I know and a group of strangers mess about in work for five hours whilst I went he and watched a film, oh and cars were stolen.
Self preservation was all I could think of. But every scenario led to the police being brought around and that would lead to me being asked if I was here that night.
I felt sick whenever I tried to wriggle out of some kind of blame. But for gods sake, I hadn't stolen the cars!!
(But i had made it easy for them. The car owners had entrusted the garage with them for a day or two and expected that they be under lock and key whilst the garage had them. )
When I went down to lock up the team told me that one of the team had heard people in the yard and so they had banged on the shutter. Then that team member had thought they were breaking into his van and so gave chase in the yard. There were two cars which sped off but not before the team member grabbed onto the door handle shouting "what the fuck are you doing?". It turned out to be lady driving the BMW and the other was a Vectra.
It sounded strange that a lady would be stealing cars but then I also was aware of what utter bitches some of them could be.
I work next to a massage parlour and so strange people and shifty comings and goings are to be expected even late at night. I clung on tightly that it could all be explained but if I'm honest I didn't believe it myself. Although one other factor comforted me slightly. No broken glass or sign of forced entry. But why speed off?
I said if I saw you running at me out of a dark building, then I'd speed off too, especially at night.
There was nothing I could do. I could just lock up and regret that I'd been so stupid as to allow people in. The truth is that even if I'd been there myself, it would still have happened but it made it worse with me being at home.
Ultimately, everyone else were not in any trouble. I was the only person having to explain how this had occurred and try as I might I struggled to come up with a lie.
Music was going to have to be faced on Monday morning.
Sleep came and the mood evaporated.
Saturday was another great day having wars with all my sons toys out. We and our bubble and it was bliss hanging out in it as ever.
We both felt a sadness as he was summoned early by his mother as she and new family was going to Newcastle. I dealt with my feelings about that in the usual manner, I mentally turned off.
Because I had got the PPS night wrong, I had to cancel all plans I had made for the cinema.
It was my fault though so I endeavoured to make it work for me. Hey, I thought, I cill just go to the cinema on Sunday instead. In fact, why don't I watch my DVDs which are pilling up?
So I did. I had to break the evening up to go and let my old team mates in. A part of me did want to stay and felt I would be missing something, but the largest part wanted to do my new plans. I did feel uncomfortable about letting people into this building and me not being there, but surely nothing would happen.
I recovered a phone call at 9:30pm. The team had heard people outside. They had thought that someone was breaking in to their vehicles and so gone to look. Two vehicles were now gone.
I suggested that it sounded like they could have been stolen. I hung up and pondered the situation. There was no getting away from the fact that I had opened up the gates to my work and also the other garages which we share our yard with and two vehicles had been stolen. Add to this the fact that I was actually not even there. How to explain that cars were gone and yet the locks were not broken come Monday morning?
I surely had to lie in some way to lessen the blame or escape it altogether.
Could they have just been taken by their owners? It seemed a stretch because it was late at night and how would they have keys to the gates?
I made the decision to go down at closing of the little ghost event.
They had enjoyed their night which was great but all I could thin of was the trouble I was about to be in. Maybe if I told the garage that I had been there too and it was just one of those things, I would get away with having the gates open. NO. No ideas washed with a good explanation. The thing is that whilst I have brought a group in to my work before and given my boss money for it, I didn't exactly ask this time. I didn't mention it at all. Maybe I could okay it down and say "oh yes I was messing about in there alone that night". But I felt awkward saying I let a group of people I know and a group of strangers mess about in work for five hours whilst I went he and watched a film, oh and cars were stolen.
Self preservation was all I could think of. But every scenario led to the police being brought around and that would lead to me being asked if I was here that night.
I felt sick whenever I tried to wriggle out of some kind of blame. But for gods sake, I hadn't stolen the cars!!
(But i had made it easy for them. The car owners had entrusted the garage with them for a day or two and expected that they be under lock and key whilst the garage had them. )
When I went down to lock up the team told me that one of the team had heard people in the yard and so they had banged on the shutter. Then that team member had thought they were breaking into his van and so gave chase in the yard. There were two cars which sped off but not before the team member grabbed onto the door handle shouting "what the fuck are you doing?". It turned out to be lady driving the BMW and the other was a Vectra.
It sounded strange that a lady would be stealing cars but then I also was aware of what utter bitches some of them could be.
I work next to a massage parlour and so strange people and shifty comings and goings are to be expected even late at night. I clung on tightly that it could all be explained but if I'm honest I didn't believe it myself. Although one other factor comforted me slightly. No broken glass or sign of forced entry. But why speed off?
I said if I saw you running at me out of a dark building, then I'd speed off too, especially at night.
There was nothing I could do. I could just lock up and regret that I'd been so stupid as to allow people in. The truth is that even if I'd been there myself, it would still have happened but it made it worse with me being at home.
Ultimately, everyone else were not in any trouble. I was the only person having to explain how this had occurred and try as I might I struggled to come up with a lie.
Music was going to have to be faced on Monday morning.
Friday 12th October
I awoke with that Friday feeling which is .....'oh it's Friday today'. I just had enough work to stretch me for the hours I had to work. One great bit of news is that it looks like my van faults will be fixed next week because someone else drove it and said it sounded funny and the radio is broken. My boss suggested I had not let him know but I think in the end he was convinced otherwise. Whatever...I just want my stereo working.
I went to jam radio and tried to complete the next two weeks shows but was slowed down by a fellow presenter putting up balloons in the recording room where I was trying to work. I kept polite because I had tomorrows show in the bag already so I will just return to sort next weeks later.
I went to jam radio and tried to complete the next two weeks shows but was slowed down by a fellow presenter putting up balloons in the recording room where I was trying to work. I kept polite because I had tomorrows show in the bag already so I will just return to sort next weeks later.
Friday, 12 October 2012
Thursday 11th October
Thursday 11th October
In the morning, my son and I left my house for the school run five whole minutes early. We posted my Lovefilm disc back and set off on surprisingly quiet roads to his school. Mid journey we hit traffic lights in Denholme which held us there for ten minutes thus undoing any good in setting off so well. Although we would have been MORE delayed of we hadn't set off early. God was undoubtably laughing as he ate his breakfast and stared down at this kick to the human testicles.
I still completed my journey back to work on time due to my knowledge of our local English hillbilly back roads. Who needs a Sat Nav?
Once the shackles of work were broken free, I flew home (I didn't, I drove) and then shot (drove) back to the radio station. I had a guest in for this weekends show and we chatted so much about the top ten and news that I had two shows worth. BUT, with everything I do it always comes out at forty percent of what I expected.
So I was dismayed as usual to hear my guest perfectly clearly through my headphones but sounding distant on the recording. But by the time I was cutting the show together, my guest had gone. Not only that but it wasn't something that could be done the same again.
So I've had to roll with it. But I do feel annoyed at myself. It all comes down to a tiny REC button which only comes into play when a guest is present and it's not something I was shown in studio training. It's something I've fallen foul of.
But I always learn better from messing up as I don't forget it.
But now I have to cringe and squirm through the next two broadcasts before I can redeem my show. Not that it's ever without faults.
I couldn't delete the show for another reason. My guest actually used the phrase "any hoo" without any humour.
That just has to be broadcast. Classic.
My evening was rounded off by watching The Cabin In The Woods for the second time. It's so clever that I love that film.
Then I slept.
In the morning, my son and I left my house for the school run five whole minutes early. We posted my Lovefilm disc back and set off on surprisingly quiet roads to his school. Mid journey we hit traffic lights in Denholme which held us there for ten minutes thus undoing any good in setting off so well. Although we would have been MORE delayed of we hadn't set off early. God was undoubtably laughing as he ate his breakfast and stared down at this kick to the human testicles.
I still completed my journey back to work on time due to my knowledge of our local English hillbilly back roads. Who needs a Sat Nav?
Once the shackles of work were broken free, I flew home (I didn't, I drove) and then shot (drove) back to the radio station. I had a guest in for this weekends show and we chatted so much about the top ten and news that I had two shows worth. BUT, with everything I do it always comes out at forty percent of what I expected.
So I was dismayed as usual to hear my guest perfectly clearly through my headphones but sounding distant on the recording. But by the time I was cutting the show together, my guest had gone. Not only that but it wasn't something that could be done the same again.
So I've had to roll with it. But I do feel annoyed at myself. It all comes down to a tiny REC button which only comes into play when a guest is present and it's not something I was shown in studio training. It's something I've fallen foul of.
But I always learn better from messing up as I don't forget it.
But now I have to cringe and squirm through the next two broadcasts before I can redeem my show. Not that it's ever without faults.
I couldn't delete the show for another reason. My guest actually used the phrase "any hoo" without any humour.
That just has to be broadcast. Classic.
My evening was rounded off by watching The Cabin In The Woods for the second time. It's so clever that I love that film.
Then I slept.
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Wednesday (wrote Mr Kipling)
Wednesday. I got away with delivering for the last hour of work which is always a bonus. It would be more so if the damn radio wasn't broken. It's been about a year since it started to shriek when it was on. It wouldn't go off even if you turned the radio off. In fact the only solution to stop the infernal screech was to stop the engine of the van and start up again. Because the radio is not an integral part of the vehicle, the boss understandably couldn't give a flying fuck.
I am allowed to mention it upon it's next service.
I collected the greatest person in my life from his school and we journeyed towards our home. (we call it OUR home as we both like it that way)
Traffic lights in denholme delayed our travels by twenty minutes. He was kept occupied by my ipod and I had to stare at cows and cars.
We had a pit stop (or should I say shit stop as he needed the loo) at my mums to drop a present off and then we made it home about six pm.
The dark nights seemed closer this evening. How long before rain, sleet or snow?
With one of his feet across the house threshold he started "right dad, you be.. And I'll be...."
The games commenced. Vampires, superheroes and giants were all roles which I inhabited with full vigour.
With food in our bellies and games done, we sat and watched cartoons until it was pyjama time. This also meant it was story time. He opted for one downstairs and one in bed by torchlight. We only managed half of 'Pirate Penguins and the Sardines of Doom' before he said enough and went to sleep.
And so once he was off I could watch 'Re-Cycle' which I was told was like a cross between Labyrinth and The Ring. That was a spot on verdict. Except it was quite dull.
Then it was my turn to go up the wooden hills to bedfordshire.
I am allowed to mention it upon it's next service.
I collected the greatest person in my life from his school and we journeyed towards our home. (we call it OUR home as we both like it that way)
Traffic lights in denholme delayed our travels by twenty minutes. He was kept occupied by my ipod and I had to stare at cows and cars.
We had a pit stop (or should I say shit stop as he needed the loo) at my mums to drop a present off and then we made it home about six pm.
The dark nights seemed closer this evening. How long before rain, sleet or snow?
With one of his feet across the house threshold he started "right dad, you be.. And I'll be...."
The games commenced. Vampires, superheroes and giants were all roles which I inhabited with full vigour.
With food in our bellies and games done, we sat and watched cartoons until it was pyjama time. This also meant it was story time. He opted for one downstairs and one in bed by torchlight. We only managed half of 'Pirate Penguins and the Sardines of Doom' before he said enough and went to sleep.
And so once he was off I could watch 'Re-Cycle' which I was told was like a cross between Labyrinth and The Ring. That was a spot on verdict. Except it was quite dull.
Then it was my turn to go up the wooden hills to bedfordshire.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Tuesday 9th October
Tuesday was a day off from needing to do anything and I had plans to finish work and head to Bradford to go to a different cinema to see a crazy film called HOLY MOTORS. The coldness of the morning had put that in doubt as I realised I would have to park in my usual spot and walk across town to this alternative cinema. Also I would have to pay full ticket price.
This caused my change of plans. Instead I decided that I would leave work and have a nice uninterrupted evening at home. And so it was that I finished watching the end of PULSE, the end of a programme about musician Jeff Lynne and write a review or too. I enjoyed eating my tea also and wrote some other bits on the iPad. Tiredness crept up on me as I had avoided coffee much more than usual.
One thing I did of note was finally give in to the temptation and pre ordered my new iPod generation 5. The one I currently use is only a generation 2 and it doesn't have a camera for one thing, but for another, ever since I dropped it and the screen shattered, it hadn't worked great. The repair man used double sided sticky tape to fix it and this pressure may have helped towards the head phone jack not working any longer.
So, no camera like the more recent models, no headphone use and no modern apps because it can't handle having the latest versions.
It's fair to say that it's served me well.
I'd like to think it'll still get used but I suspect that when I get a new one, this one will be forgotten like a ginger one night stand.
I went to bed and purposely left my iPad downstairs so that I didn't drag out my early night by listening to any podcasts etc.
I feel better today for some extended rest.
I dreamt about kristen Stewart a little but she was a younger version. I'd flicked past her in an early film during the weekend and this must've registered.
I mention this to just say that even in my dream...she looked miserable with her trademark frown.
This caused my change of plans. Instead I decided that I would leave work and have a nice uninterrupted evening at home. And so it was that I finished watching the end of PULSE, the end of a programme about musician Jeff Lynne and write a review or too. I enjoyed eating my tea also and wrote some other bits on the iPad. Tiredness crept up on me as I had avoided coffee much more than usual.
One thing I did of note was finally give in to the temptation and pre ordered my new iPod generation 5. The one I currently use is only a generation 2 and it doesn't have a camera for one thing, but for another, ever since I dropped it and the screen shattered, it hadn't worked great. The repair man used double sided sticky tape to fix it and this pressure may have helped towards the head phone jack not working any longer.
So, no camera like the more recent models, no headphone use and no modern apps because it can't handle having the latest versions.
It's fair to say that it's served me well.
I'd like to think it'll still get used but I suspect that when I get a new one, this one will be forgotten like a ginger one night stand.
I went to bed and purposely left my iPad downstairs so that I didn't drag out my early night by listening to any podcasts etc.
I feel better today for some extended rest.
I dreamt about kristen Stewart a little but she was a younger version. I'd flicked past her in an early film during the weekend and this must've registered.
I mention this to just say that even in my dream...she looked miserable with her trademark frown.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
The Void 2
Dear The Void,
It's me again. I took the evening off tonight to gestate on a few trinkets of feelings and ideas which have been rattling in my head of late. Sometimes I need to just stop and let all the moving parts settle. So that's what tonight was. Even my seemingly slow paced life can move enough to make it seem like I am missing some vital piece of information. What I gleamed from tonight is how I miss music in my life since some audio components in both my home and my van have broken. All will be righted sooner or later.
Music is food for the soul. Tonight I posted my 21st track which I have made, on to Soundcloud as Chriswhitehouse1. It feels good to spew out anything which I have created as it comforts me that my time has been given towards something I can quantify. It gives my life worth.
I am alone in my home with the world at my fingertips. By that I also mean that because the world is at my fingertips, that would also mean the world is at 'arms length' which is the best place for it. I like to dip my toe into it once in a while but I generally find it too cold to enjoy for long. Coffee consumption is making me dehydrated and also not giving me the required sleep I need. My nights have crept earlier recently since resting my ghost hunting efforts and the rewards are starting to be felt physically. Of course my energies are ultimately put into something else. I'm never just twiddling my thumbs.
I'm still single. Still happy in myself and still sober and drugs less.
Of course I probably haven't become any better at relationships in the intervening months because nobody has put me to the test. But that is a door that remains closed. The scars of closeness are not something I feel I want to pick at yet, or ever.
I am trying to be a better person from day to day and I believe I'm doing well, just as long as its on my terms.
Thanks for listening
CW
It's me again. I took the evening off tonight to gestate on a few trinkets of feelings and ideas which have been rattling in my head of late. Sometimes I need to just stop and let all the moving parts settle. So that's what tonight was. Even my seemingly slow paced life can move enough to make it seem like I am missing some vital piece of information. What I gleamed from tonight is how I miss music in my life since some audio components in both my home and my van have broken. All will be righted sooner or later.
Music is food for the soul. Tonight I posted my 21st track which I have made, on to Soundcloud as Chriswhitehouse1. It feels good to spew out anything which I have created as it comforts me that my time has been given towards something I can quantify. It gives my life worth.
I am alone in my home with the world at my fingertips. By that I also mean that because the world is at my fingertips, that would also mean the world is at 'arms length' which is the best place for it. I like to dip my toe into it once in a while but I generally find it too cold to enjoy for long. Coffee consumption is making me dehydrated and also not giving me the required sleep I need. My nights have crept earlier recently since resting my ghost hunting efforts and the rewards are starting to be felt physically. Of course my energies are ultimately put into something else. I'm never just twiddling my thumbs.
I'm still single. Still happy in myself and still sober and drugs less.
Of course I probably haven't become any better at relationships in the intervening months because nobody has put me to the test. But that is a door that remains closed. The scars of closeness are not something I feel I want to pick at yet, or ever.
I am trying to be a better person from day to day and I believe I'm doing well, just as long as its on my terms.
Thanks for listening
CW
Monday 8th OCT 2012
Well Monday at work was much like any other. Steady.
But once it was time to leave, the race began.
I flew over to collect my son from school and have him for just a few hours. Now that he has a tea of sorts at school, it really messes with my feeding him. So I have to present him with puddings which makes me look a bit careless. All the kids leave from having their tea with it all over their faces. It surprises me that no teachers etc clean them up. So when you get your child, there is congealed food on their cheeks.
Once I had played vampires with my boy and done some game where whatever we drew came to life, we headed back to his so I could give my stepson further drum lessons. I had a job to do first though. I had to change the bulb in the garage even though the new guy was obviously in the house. It's all a bit weird... But for the best.
So we had a good lesson and my son played on the iPod with us in the garage. Then I drove home and finally rested for the evening. I watched Pulse the USA version and went to bed.
So there's another long Monday done for another week.
My next concern of the week is the dreaded school run on Thursday morning. I'll relax until then.
But once it was time to leave, the race began.
I flew over to collect my son from school and have him for just a few hours. Now that he has a tea of sorts at school, it really messes with my feeding him. So I have to present him with puddings which makes me look a bit careless. All the kids leave from having their tea with it all over their faces. It surprises me that no teachers etc clean them up. So when you get your child, there is congealed food on their cheeks.
Once I had played vampires with my boy and done some game where whatever we drew came to life, we headed back to his so I could give my stepson further drum lessons. I had a job to do first though. I had to change the bulb in the garage even though the new guy was obviously in the house. It's all a bit weird... But for the best.
So we had a good lesson and my son played on the iPod with us in the garage. Then I drove home and finally rested for the evening. I watched Pulse the USA version and went to bed.
So there's another long Monday done for another week.
My next concern of the week is the dreaded school run on Thursday morning. I'll relax until then.
Monday, 8 October 2012
Sunday 7 th OCT
I awoke at 8AM and went on the iPad in bed. After seeing that nothing of interest had occurred in the hours since I'd slept, I messed about on Korg app and made some music until 9.
I seem to remember blogging too.
Once I got up I watched Red Dwarf series 10 until my stepson got up. When he finally Rose, we played golf. I had the notion that I was going to beat him at golf but I was wrong.
Before I knew it, it was time for he and I to go to the radio station for us to record a few soundbites and compile some music only shows for whenever they are needed. It was an enjoyable hour plus.
The next main event of the day after dropping my stepson home again, was for me to go watch SINISTER at the cinema. It was up there with the best horrors of the year but it's not been the best year for horror.
I rushed home from there with a ravenous hunger.
I threw food together and watched Kairo, which is a creepy Japanese horror which translates as PULSE.
By this time of night, I was gargling salt water. I had noticed a sore Tongue on Saturday morning.
By Sunday I could see ulcers. I had enjoyed far too little sleep during the last week and this was to be the penalty.
It was a good weekend overall. My stepson coming to mine does always bring the pain of having broken up from my marriage closer though.
I asked about her new bloke and immediately wished I hadn't.
I'm happiest in ignorance I think.
As usual, in my own bubble where I can control all the elements. It's always when I try to make others happy that I slip up.
I must remember that.
I seem to remember blogging too.
Once I got up I watched Red Dwarf series 10 until my stepson got up. When he finally Rose, we played golf. I had the notion that I was going to beat him at golf but I was wrong.
Before I knew it, it was time for he and I to go to the radio station for us to record a few soundbites and compile some music only shows for whenever they are needed. It was an enjoyable hour plus.
The next main event of the day after dropping my stepson home again, was for me to go watch SINISTER at the cinema. It was up there with the best horrors of the year but it's not been the best year for horror.
I rushed home from there with a ravenous hunger.
I threw food together and watched Kairo, which is a creepy Japanese horror which translates as PULSE.
By this time of night, I was gargling salt water. I had noticed a sore Tongue on Saturday morning.
By Sunday I could see ulcers. I had enjoyed far too little sleep during the last week and this was to be the penalty.
It was a good weekend overall. My stepson coming to mine does always bring the pain of having broken up from my marriage closer though.
I asked about her new bloke and immediately wished I hadn't.
I'm happiest in ignorance I think.
As usual, in my own bubble where I can control all the elements. It's always when I try to make others happy that I slip up.
I must remember that.
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Saturday 6th October
I awoke to the sound of my son shouting that he was having a poo. It is actually quite a historic moment actually as this was the first time he hasn't shouted for me to take him so it was a vast improvement. He also went back to bed himself for a bit.
But later, once light had broken into his room, he came in with me to play the ipad in my bed. It didn't take long for him find BAD PIGGIES game and then start asking for my help as I lay bleary eyed. As we supposedly took it in turns building wooden carts to complete the levels, he decided he would demand I do my turn a certain way, to which I responded "wait for your turn in about thirty seconds".
The next thing I find is him getting angry and stabbing his finger towards the screen shouting "NOOOO".
I turned off the ipad and placed him back in his bedroom. He lost his temper for a bit and so I ignored him for longer. This happened three times throughout the day, with him losing his rag over something stupid.
The day had been built around my taking him to the IMAX 3-D showing of HUBBLE. We raced their and I payed the £15 for us both to see the forty minute film. After missing the first minute or so, we took our seat. He reached out at the screen trying to catch the supposedly floating images. Then he was asking how long was left and saying that he didn't want to watch it anymore. I held him off for another ten minutes. Then he needed a wee and so I had no choice but to take him. Upon finishing at the loo he told me that he didn't want to go back in. Annoyed a little, but not really showing it, we looked around the rest of the museum. Tiredness was amazing him cranky again later, as was his massive swollen finger end which he is on antibiotics for. He got teary as he had to go home too which made him kick off with me and which in turn made him more tired.
Once home, he begrudgingly went in. I did my best to shut out how it made me feel and picked up my stepson.
We went and bought a second playstation controller and played a little Modern Warefare 3 and then Tiger Woods, which he won most of. He seemed in good spirits and that's all that mattered (I lie....I hate losing). Then watched Jackass 2 and kinda did whatever till I called bedtime. I was shattered after the previous week. As I lay in bed I listened to my show which I had filled in for someone else on and my own show which had a different dj filling in for me on. It had made a change but I will be happy to return to my rightful show next week.
Hopefully Sunday will be more of a restful day.
But later, once light had broken into his room, he came in with me to play the ipad in my bed. It didn't take long for him find BAD PIGGIES game and then start asking for my help as I lay bleary eyed. As we supposedly took it in turns building wooden carts to complete the levels, he decided he would demand I do my turn a certain way, to which I responded "wait for your turn in about thirty seconds".
The next thing I find is him getting angry and stabbing his finger towards the screen shouting "NOOOO".
I turned off the ipad and placed him back in his bedroom. He lost his temper for a bit and so I ignored him for longer. This happened three times throughout the day, with him losing his rag over something stupid.
The day had been built around my taking him to the IMAX 3-D showing of HUBBLE. We raced their and I payed the £15 for us both to see the forty minute film. After missing the first minute or so, we took our seat. He reached out at the screen trying to catch the supposedly floating images. Then he was asking how long was left and saying that he didn't want to watch it anymore. I held him off for another ten minutes. Then he needed a wee and so I had no choice but to take him. Upon finishing at the loo he told me that he didn't want to go back in. Annoyed a little, but not really showing it, we looked around the rest of the museum. Tiredness was amazing him cranky again later, as was his massive swollen finger end which he is on antibiotics for. He got teary as he had to go home too which made him kick off with me and which in turn made him more tired.
Once home, he begrudgingly went in. I did my best to shut out how it made me feel and picked up my stepson.
We went and bought a second playstation controller and played a little Modern Warefare 3 and then Tiger Woods, which he won most of. He seemed in good spirits and that's all that mattered (I lie....I hate losing). Then watched Jackass 2 and kinda did whatever till I called bedtime. I was shattered after the previous week. As I lay in bed I listened to my show which I had filled in for someone else on and my own show which had a different dj filling in for me on. It had made a change but I will be happy to return to my rightful show next week.
Hopefully Sunday will be more of a restful day.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
The void 1
Dear Void,
You don't know me because I am a shadow. I slip through the cracks of society and am hidden in plain sight. I feel that at 38 I have opted out of the usual life choices. I obsessed about relationships and loneliness to breaking point and once I was faced with my marriage breaking down against my will, I did a u turn and went with the tide. I ended up throwing in the towel because I had heard enough threats of being left.
I am not saying any more about that here.
From that moment I regressed/evolved to a mental state which gave me the mindset that I NEVER want to share my soul with another human being. No relationships at all with women. I will die single. In my head I will always be married and my (ex) wife, step children and son will always be my one and only family. To get remarried would devalue that first marriage.
I don't know where my NEED to be in a relationship came from in the first half of my life. I also don't understand how it fit alongside my NEED to be alone in my own space.
Now that I've had time to reflect it seems like I need people to know I exist. But I'm terrible company. I'm completely happy when I'm alone and in full control of what I'm doing. The exception is my son who has given me courage and strength beyond my wildest dreams.
I accept my failings where others don't, but I still struggle to make sense of them. But these days I have the courage to stick to the path that my inner self dictates. It doesn't matter who doesn't 'get' me or my needs. I will die having lived by my rules of attaining happiness and that's what is important to me. Society is a crowd of sheep who are still struggling with their own desires. I am different because I have worked out what makes me happy and that is why I am viewed as 'different' or 'socially awkward'.
I look forward to chatting to you void, in the future.
Thanks for listening.
CW
You don't know me because I am a shadow. I slip through the cracks of society and am hidden in plain sight. I feel that at 38 I have opted out of the usual life choices. I obsessed about relationships and loneliness to breaking point and once I was faced with my marriage breaking down against my will, I did a u turn and went with the tide. I ended up throwing in the towel because I had heard enough threats of being left.
I am not saying any more about that here.
From that moment I regressed/evolved to a mental state which gave me the mindset that I NEVER want to share my soul with another human being. No relationships at all with women. I will die single. In my head I will always be married and my (ex) wife, step children and son will always be my one and only family. To get remarried would devalue that first marriage.
I don't know where my NEED to be in a relationship came from in the first half of my life. I also don't understand how it fit alongside my NEED to be alone in my own space.
Now that I've had time to reflect it seems like I need people to know I exist. But I'm terrible company. I'm completely happy when I'm alone and in full control of what I'm doing. The exception is my son who has given me courage and strength beyond my wildest dreams.
I accept my failings where others don't, but I still struggle to make sense of them. But these days I have the courage to stick to the path that my inner self dictates. It doesn't matter who doesn't 'get' me or my needs. I will die having lived by my rules of attaining happiness and that's what is important to me. Society is a crowd of sheep who are still struggling with their own desires. I am different because I have worked out what makes me happy and that is why I am viewed as 'different' or 'socially awkward'.
I look forward to chatting to you void, in the future.
Thanks for listening.
CW
The same old blog.
The clock reads 4:57AM. I woke up at 3:00AM. I kind of expected this would happen since I went to bed at 8:45PM. After my cinema double bill, I had a bad headache (aren't all headaches bad? Hence the word ache!) and yawned which told me I was over tired and perhaps dehydrated from coffee consumption. Which ever was the cause, an early night was to be the best medicine. But at 3am I finally dared to look at the clock. I expected that it was neatly time to rise but my six hours sleep had infact only got me to the small hours. So I decided to listen to some podcasts as I lay still in pretend sleep. I truly believe you can be rested from not moving about a lot and just mimicking sleep. It's all REST right?
But after a couple of hours I shut off the ipad and laid down in the dark.it took maybe two minutes for me to give in to my minds decision to write this blog. The world feels like its on still pause at this hour. It was only last Sunday morning that I did this exact same thing as I wrote my review of Resident Evil 5 at some ungodly hour. If I'm no longer tired, then I may as well do something constructive.
I've nearly reached 4500 views with this blog and I still have little clue who reads it. I imagine 99% of people stumble on it by words they are searching for, such as The Whitehouse in Washington or something and end up with my swearing.
It continues to be very therapeutic for me, even though a downside is that my diary entires get diluted because I don't want to write all this twice. After watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower I am inspired to write entires to the openness of space like the letters that a character writes which all start "Dear Friend..." I do write this blog to no one in particular as it is but to start each entry in a way which is headed as a confessional or as if I'm confiding in some one close, is probably going to be beneficial. The hardest part is not writing the same woe is me or I love my son entires every time. While its fair to,say that the same thoughts and feelings do permeate each one of us on a daily, weekly, yearly basis, its probably quite dull to read over and over. But as I say I do fail to change things up.
I am happy that I still do write on here at all as well as keep a diary still. I only give 80% of myself though due to not including information which would be unfair on other people. My marriage failure for example deserves respect and therefore is out of bounds for ten years.
It will fuel twenty years of writing though one day.
But for now you will just have to put up with the same thoughts that I have.
Thanks for reading.
But after a couple of hours I shut off the ipad and laid down in the dark.it took maybe two minutes for me to give in to my minds decision to write this blog. The world feels like its on still pause at this hour. It was only last Sunday morning that I did this exact same thing as I wrote my review of Resident Evil 5 at some ungodly hour. If I'm no longer tired, then I may as well do something constructive.
I've nearly reached 4500 views with this blog and I still have little clue who reads it. I imagine 99% of people stumble on it by words they are searching for, such as The Whitehouse in Washington or something and end up with my swearing.
It continues to be very therapeutic for me, even though a downside is that my diary entires get diluted because I don't want to write all this twice. After watching The Perks Of Being A Wallflower I am inspired to write entires to the openness of space like the letters that a character writes which all start "Dear Friend..." I do write this blog to no one in particular as it is but to start each entry in a way which is headed as a confessional or as if I'm confiding in some one close, is probably going to be beneficial. The hardest part is not writing the same woe is me or I love my son entires every time. While its fair to,say that the same thoughts and feelings do permeate each one of us on a daily, weekly, yearly basis, its probably quite dull to read over and over. But as I say I do fail to change things up.
I am happy that I still do write on here at all as well as keep a diary still. I only give 80% of myself though due to not including information which would be unfair on other people. My marriage failure for example deserves respect and therefore is out of bounds for ten years.
It will fuel twenty years of writing though one day.
But for now you will just have to put up with the same thoughts that I have.
Thanks for reading.
Double Bill tonight
I was all set to have my third visitor in one week tonight which would have been a record, but they've cancelled. So now after I've delivered for work, I will head to watch TAKEN 2 and the THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER. A double bill on a Thursday is sure to make my cinema visits unnecessary through the week.
My stepson is staying at mine on Saturday night and so my visitors record will be broken then. I look forward to hanging out with him.
Im surprised it's come round to being the weekend already. Not complaining though. I was relieved this morning as I completed my hour round trip school run which I have to do each week. Everyone is wanting to get somewhere fast and yet is stuck in traffic because they won't let anyone out in front.
This weekend I told my son that we would go and see a 3-D thing at the IMAX. He's watched a 3-D tv in a shop but hasn't seen IMAX yet. They also have one of those shuttle looking things that move, but has a screen inside. They usually have a roller coaster film inside. I think he'll like that too.
I keep trying to do stuff with him that's inexpensive but still fun.
I hope you are doing something good.
My stepson is staying at mine on Saturday night and so my visitors record will be broken then. I look forward to hanging out with him.
Im surprised it's come round to being the weekend already. Not complaining though. I was relieved this morning as I completed my hour round trip school run which I have to do each week. Everyone is wanting to get somewhere fast and yet is stuck in traffic because they won't let anyone out in front.
This weekend I told my son that we would go and see a 3-D thing at the IMAX. He's watched a 3-D tv in a shop but hasn't seen IMAX yet. They also have one of those shuttle looking things that move, but has a screen inside. They usually have a roller coaster film inside. I think he'll like that too.
I keep trying to do stuff with him that's inexpensive but still fun.
I hope you are doing something good.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Wednesday / further reading
Ah, Wednesday, tent pole of the week. The point between weekends where the morning is a climb from Monday morning and the afternoon rolls towards Thursday (the unofficial start of the weekend).
Last night was spent down at jam-radio training a duo to use the studio in order to make a weekly show of their own. It was good because I learnt a few things myself.
Then once home, I plied myself with a plate of food and watched 'Splintered'. I horror film do wooden that o wondered if that had inspired the title of werewolves in Wales. 11pm crept up on me once again as I listened to podcasts in bed with the twins(two hot water bottles).
What will today hold for me? My son from school to stay at mine later and until then, printing and checking Facebook probably.
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If you wish to read something more factual and reflective which I've written then I would search this blog for A WEEK IN MY LIFE where I keep analysing a week out of past diaries and seeing what can be learnt from then, to now.
Another one is long over due actually.
I don't come any closer to NOW than 2000 though as it's 'too soon'.
Last night was spent down at jam-radio training a duo to use the studio in order to make a weekly show of their own. It was good because I learnt a few things myself.
Then once home, I plied myself with a plate of food and watched 'Splintered'. I horror film do wooden that o wondered if that had inspired the title of werewolves in Wales. 11pm crept up on me once again as I listened to podcasts in bed with the twins(two hot water bottles).
What will today hold for me? My son from school to stay at mine later and until then, printing and checking Facebook probably.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
If you wish to read something more factual and reflective which I've written then I would search this blog for A WEEK IN MY LIFE where I keep analysing a week out of past diaries and seeing what can be learnt from then, to now.
Another one is long over due actually.
I don't come any closer to NOW than 2000 though as it's 'too soon'.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Tuesday at work
Tuesday, the most pointless day of the week. Not yet midweek and too near monday to feel like you've made headway.
Plans to finish watching Game Of Thrones were scuppered. I had a friend call, which was still good be wise we played Modern Warfare 3 online.
It was 11pm when I squeezed in listening to a friend present a different show on jam-radio than normal. Then sleep was a must. The two hot water bottles I bought at the weekend stood in for the lack of a partner in warming my bed up (I mean for the heat, I didn't have sex with them), and they were still hot this morning when I got up for work.
I struggled with my machine trying to print a single colour job. In the end a workmate did it on his machine. Even after twenty us years doing this job I still get tricky jobs. The difference is that nowadays I stop and try to do it better whereas before I just let it run.
As much as I'm happy at work, the concept is still strange to me. My workmates and I have spent years together for hours on end. Where they sometimes describe us all as 'friends', I do not.
Do they not appreciate that I get paid handsomely for being in their company and if I didn't, then I simply wouldn't. It's not like I go round their houses at the weekend, buy them Xmas presents or would urinate on them if they were indeed, engulfed in flames.
Plans to finish watching Game Of Thrones were scuppered. I had a friend call, which was still good be wise we played Modern Warfare 3 online.
It was 11pm when I squeezed in listening to a friend present a different show on jam-radio than normal. Then sleep was a must. The two hot water bottles I bought at the weekend stood in for the lack of a partner in warming my bed up (I mean for the heat, I didn't have sex with them), and they were still hot this morning when I got up for work.
I struggled with my machine trying to print a single colour job. In the end a workmate did it on his machine. Even after twenty us years doing this job I still get tricky jobs. The difference is that nowadays I stop and try to do it better whereas before I just let it run.
As much as I'm happy at work, the concept is still strange to me. My workmates and I have spent years together for hours on end. Where they sometimes describe us all as 'friends', I do not.
Do they not appreciate that I get paid handsomely for being in their company and if I didn't, then I simply wouldn't. It's not like I go round their houses at the weekend, buy them Xmas presents or would urinate on them if they were indeed, engulfed in flames.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Monday 1st October 2012
Well Monday happened as usual. The morning alarm went off too early, or at least that's what it felt like.
I'm good at getting up though and so after my ten minutes were up I threw back the covers and stood up.
That is the action of 'getting up' that people struggle with and it took all of one second. Once stood, you are left with no other option but to complete getting dressed and washed. So as long as you simply stand up next to your bed, the rest will take care of itself.
Work was steady as ever. I'm happy at work and so Sunday blues are something I don't suffer from. Going to work is a pleasure more than a headache. I've had one days holiday in 2012 and even on that day I kinda regretted that I was taking it.
That's all weird, when I think about it but I'm happy I feel like that, most people don't.
After my working day I dropped a birthday present off at a family members and sped off to collect his royal highness..my son. I have to wait for him to eat his tea before he comes out so I have ten minutes here and there to write this or whatever.
I'm good at getting up though and so after my ten minutes were up I threw back the covers and stood up.
That is the action of 'getting up' that people struggle with and it took all of one second. Once stood, you are left with no other option but to complete getting dressed and washed. So as long as you simply stand up next to your bed, the rest will take care of itself.
Work was steady as ever. I'm happy at work and so Sunday blues are something I don't suffer from. Going to work is a pleasure more than a headache. I've had one days holiday in 2012 and even on that day I kinda regretted that I was taking it.
That's all weird, when I think about it but I'm happy I feel like that, most people don't.
After my working day I dropped a birthday present off at a family members and sped off to collect his royal highness..my son. I have to wait for him to eat his tea before he comes out so I have ten minutes here and there to write this or whatever.
I can be normal
The weekend held many treasures. Amongst them was swimming with my boy, playing vampires with him also in Halloween costumes and listening to various podcasts as I cleaned my home. Sunday was not spent at the cinema as I was ahead with the films. So I took care of all the odds and ends that sat waiting for me to get around to them. It felt like a spring clean in a therapeutic way. I finally typed up an investigation report which the ghost team had done weeks ago. Having opted out for a while, it was actually enjoyable to do it with no pressure or time restraints.
It still doesn't feel as if I've cut through the cold shoulders of fellow team mates yet but I'm optimistic they will thaw.
A friend called yesterday and another is calling tonight.
Someone visiting is rare.
Family are strangers to the inside of my house. Maybe they don't know where I live. But I refuse to care...I cared about that for too many years already and I won't do it further.
So I sit in my castle and write or watch films etc. Savouring my own company while others view me as awkward company. I have my path in life and they have theirs. I'm not built for human relationships , that much seems apparent.
Do I feel lonely? No. But there is still a person inside who requires acknowledgement of some kind. I guess I always strive for someone to say I've done well. Someone to make me feel good about myself. But I admit I'm terrible at returning the favour. Being self obsessed means I'm like a black hole that can't see outside of itself. But I credit myself with the control of my thoughts which has only happened since becoming single again. Leaving drugs and alcohol alone has helped me no end, no matter how much 'enjoyment' they brought me.
Even if my personality grates some people like sandpaper, I feel as comfortable in my skin as I think is possible. Aside from my son, and my step kids if they ever needed me, everyone is just an extra in a play where I am the lead role. On the one hand that makes me sound horrid, but in my defence I try and hole myself out of everyones lives.
I think I can quantify me threshold on company.
One hour. That's when my mind starts wondering what I'm doing next or what I'll do when I'm alone.
That's not very tolerant of people is it?
But it's usually not much longer than that they say something that makes me annoyed.
That's why I look out for number one and my son who is my lord and savour. He shows me that with the right person... I can be normal.
It still doesn't feel as if I've cut through the cold shoulders of fellow team mates yet but I'm optimistic they will thaw.
A friend called yesterday and another is calling tonight.
Someone visiting is rare.
Family are strangers to the inside of my house. Maybe they don't know where I live. But I refuse to care...I cared about that for too many years already and I won't do it further.
So I sit in my castle and write or watch films etc. Savouring my own company while others view me as awkward company. I have my path in life and they have theirs. I'm not built for human relationships , that much seems apparent.
Do I feel lonely? No. But there is still a person inside who requires acknowledgement of some kind. I guess I always strive for someone to say I've done well. Someone to make me feel good about myself. But I admit I'm terrible at returning the favour. Being self obsessed means I'm like a black hole that can't see outside of itself. But I credit myself with the control of my thoughts which has only happened since becoming single again. Leaving drugs and alcohol alone has helped me no end, no matter how much 'enjoyment' they brought me.
Even if my personality grates some people like sandpaper, I feel as comfortable in my skin as I think is possible. Aside from my son, and my step kids if they ever needed me, everyone is just an extra in a play where I am the lead role. On the one hand that makes me sound horrid, but in my defence I try and hole myself out of everyones lives.
I think I can quantify me threshold on company.
One hour. That's when my mind starts wondering what I'm doing next or what I'll do when I'm alone.
That's not very tolerant of people is it?
But it's usually not much longer than that they say something that makes me annoyed.
That's why I look out for number one and my son who is my lord and savour. He shows me that with the right person... I can be normal.
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